RECaP

Hey Guys, Ok it's been quite a while I actually wrote anything about myself and the happenings in my life. So this post is going to be a revert to the good ol' days. Don't be acting as if u don't care, my life is more fun than most nollywood movies and I as the star actor am more talented than your cranky heroes on Tv..hate me if u like, it don't change the cost of rat poison…so err…yimu, yari, yodi and d rest, if u don't know d meaning of the last 2, ask any Tawaklitu near you…lets see, where do we start? Ok, we'll start from where we stopped (wherever that is..)

A lot of water has gone under the bridge #NoTsunami..since my last personal post sometime in January ..its been a great, fast paced year and here we are almost done wth the month of March, before u know it, the year will roll up, that's if it doesn't on May 21st o...a lot of us are forming strong now, nuttin dey happen..try n picture May 20th..I can bet that many people will repent that day, say prayers, some will not tweet so that they won't ga'an yarn dust..Twitfight ke? Everybody will be on their best, some will change handles from sexybootay to IluvSaintpaul, Odinabarbie to OdearLord...I can't wait mehn. Naked avatars? How?! Agbada things or Cele gowns will reign...If ure among those who doesn't have a sense of humor, u might wanna get one cos the lighter u are, d more rapturable u are ok? Alright! Twitter guys will go first cos we get d news first so by d time d Trumpet 'flashes', we don move already..then those on facebook, 2go, MySpace, Hi5 then NTA...hehe!

During the the past days also, we all woke up to d Earthquake/Tsunami/Nuclear explosions in Japan..sad stuff...I hereby on behalf of u my reader send our condolences to them.. As d day passed, I wished all d Broadcasters on my BB were in japan, somebody will just sleep n wake up and snd me a DUMB b/cast abt how sept 11 (usa), Nov 11 (haiti) and Mar 11 (japan) have something in common so I shd repent. I know I look dumb sometimes but ahn ahn, on a scale of 1 to Mr Ibu, I'm still somewhr on Mr Bean's level…the one that is reigning now is lady gaga and illuminatti , who gives a flying rats' tail if na she be d antichrist sef? How does dis BC affect BIS price? cos d rate some people BC makes me believe their service providers have told 'em "d more u BC, d longer ur BIS lasts" ooooohhh!!!! Now I don't know what I was trying to say before I digressed, u people should always draw me back when I start going OP, it normally happens when…*sigh* here I go again…I shd just start a new paragraph…

Okies, so yeah, story of my life…at some point in January, I realized that my search for 'The One' had become a serious matter o! as in peeps on my BBm will ping, say hi, then d next question is "ehen! Have u found d one?" if I had like D'banj's money, I'd have organized a reality show "The search for the One", criteria for entry will be..1.Must be female 2.must be Twitter Savvy 3.Must be person in Twitter Avatar, 4.Must not appear in @GbagaunDetector's Favorites 5.Must be Christian,witty, smart etc…Pls o, I am not asking for applications..i said 'IF' o..ehen!! so, it was so serious that I received lots of resumes and Cv's on BBM , serzly..this one chic sent me her stats and pics to corroborate the stats *covering eyes*, the pics eh..well, people have liver sha..I'm sure most of YOU will die if peeps shd see d pics on ur fone..me I'm innocent sha, just DP's n wallpapers..no wande coal things! Yeah, bak 2d issue, some of u reading this now sef tried or are trying to hook me up with ur friends..*yes you* don't look away, u reading this from ur BB* I received lotsa group invitations but I declined all..groups like "singly mingling", "hottest hook-ups" haba!! Na so I desperate? So, to alleviate the situation, I decided to refocus my blog and do some storylike posts hence the change from online diary to just that!…I'm a smart guy ba? Haha..i know!!! It worked cos I didn't get any questions, offers or favours anymore.

The question for the 50 million naira is then *in Frank Edoho's voice* "have u found the ONE?" My response: *exhales* "well…" *frank interrupts* we will have his final answer in subsequent posts… *sigh…so guys don't blame me, blame frank..and yeah u'll know the answer someday, keep watching this space, I SHALL dedicate a whole post to her, then u will know...but..oh yeah, should I say this? Ah well ok...*in d late Nate Dogg's voice* "Hold up" I do have to report myself 2u guys: about a week ago, I broke a girls heart.yeah..*sigh* u see, I thot she was d ONE n she qualified on almost all counts, d chemistry was crazy and I had expressed my feelings and stuff, she was all that a guy could want BUT...(Here comes that line ladies hear often) "it wasn't her, it was me!" No seriously, I had even planned on how to go see her n stuff...I believe its better you end something before it starts than lead someone through something that's not going to last...so I ended it...hey! I know u're reading this now, I might be a jerk now but I'd have been a bigger jerk eventually...U're good peoples and err..I don't know what to say but.. I know ur ONE is also out there!
so moving on, wat else has happened? Oh yeah..Arsenal…*sigh* my heart bleeds everytime I think about arsenal, allow me to say here that I've been an arsenal fan since way back 1994 (seriously), oh! im sorry my female fans who don't like football, bear wt me a bit..tnx luvs..Anyway, last year I said 'if arsenal doesn't win a trophy this year, im done" im tired of defending d team wt the excuse of "we play good football" or "we are fine boys"..na that wan we go chop? We will be playing, ManU and Chelsea will be winning, WTF? Instead of Wenger to buy players, hes saving money..for what? A nose surgery? We lost 3 cups in 3 weeks, and then somebody will say "u cant lose wat u don't have" eez a lie o!! u can! Lets see how d season ends then I'll do a special post on Arsenal, kinda like a story and Arsenal's character will be a chic with no boobs #GoFigure…Ok, enough footie, lets not allieniate d females.

In Other other news, erm some of u may think that I live on Twitter or here in Blogville but I really do have a professional life and that involves Business Consulting…yes, im into facilitating biz trainings and stuff, Ha! U never woulda guessed huh? It comes easy, I love talking cos I have a voice worth listening to…#NoPstChris..so anyway, this past week, I was able to seal a deal. what makes this one epic is cos I normally do the trainings after d deals have been sealed. This was my first time of chasing and closing a deal, I presented to the whole Mgt team from branches around d country and this your humble guy 'WOWED' them, after my presentation, they all rose, gave me a standing ovation, a vote of thanks and even prayed for me..Ha! at that point all I could think of was "men! This is gonna be some good money!" Anyway, at d meeting with d chairman to discuss the cost, my budget was slashed more expertly than batussai in SamuraiX ..ibo men dey negotiate sha..when the guy brought out his big calculator, I knew I was finished! In all sha, its still a good deal for me…hehehe can I start singing 'boys don hammer?' not yet…more like boys don find d nail!

Some other money making outlets opened through Twitter also but im still going to keep that on the down low till all groundwork is done n stuff is finalized..again I say TWEETING PAYS...ok what else? Oh yes! Im in the process of entering for a 10 day writing workshop in lag to be hosted by renowned writer Chimamanda Adichie sometime in june (Thanks @tobiamoo and @MsJazzyfied for the hook up), we had to write an article of 200-800 words to be selected for it (selection hasn't been done yet, hola @ me if interested..entries close April27th)...as me I didn't have the strength to write anything new, I had to edit one of my old pieces from 1284 words to 798..(Thank God I have an Editor now) trust me, its easier to boil fried egg than to edit a masterpiece..by the way sha, im not really going there to learn #Lowkey, me i want to spend 10 days with one girl like this (details coming soon), I hope we both qualify to attend sha…buhaha!!!

Moving on, I really don't know in what direction we r moving but lets just move…yeah, we had a Tweep gathering in benin d other day, met cool guys @MrEndowednaija, @MoFame_ @sigarda @elceedutchess @eromzy @Okhai_Hov @rukaspumpin @mjhainee @iam_DjNiro and my pals from #TeamOzone @BragginRightz @jo_rox_anne and @eibeedee…Great fun…they said I was easy to spot (u see I AM my avatar), we had a nice time I must say...next time sha, we want more ladies around eh? and er u might wanna follow them on Twitter, lets increase d family…

Rounding up though, I must say that its been a great year so far, I've met wonderful people, I know I've hurt some , let me say here that I'm sorry, I've insulted some (#TeamYabaLeft), no hard feelings eh, just pick on someone your own size next time..MWAH!!, I've trashed some (FIFA things) such is life…but above all, I have loved, oh yes! The future is bright as long as NEPA stays away from it, ive stopped waiting to discover if d light at d end of d tunnel is light or an oncoming train, past experiences has taught me that it is most likely a train..i realize that after it has hit me! (Ha! Classic, lemme go tweet this BRB)…Yeah! so nowadays, I just move on to d next tunnel…now though, ive got a gen that lights up d whole tunnel, I can see clearly now and in the words of Naija's next best RnB crooner 'Funbi' : "its YOU I see" <----that was a sub

Yeah, so my Gbagaun people and those on Haterade, u made it all the way down here? I really shd appreciate u for the effort, but I'll do that when D'banj interviews GEJ..oh! that has happened already? *sigh* your bad…here's some advice from one genius to you: " " Yeah, u can't read that? Oh right..its only for the intellectual! *peace out*

Which Way?

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to this first ever round table discussion, the table is square though cos we couldn’t get the carpenter to make a round one on time..Today, we are privileged to have in our midst 3 able bodied men and a woman who are vying for the soon-to-be vacant post of president of this country. They are here to briefly outline to us their plans and strategies for the devt of this country..I shall be your host on this trip, my name is @KevinWithAnL.

Allow me to introduce our participants: we have Dr and Dame Umblerra, Mallam Broom and D General. Ok, we start of with the Dr…”A great day to u sir and we r honoured 2hv u In our midst wt your popular wife, can u in a nutshell tell us ur plans if u become president”

Dr Umblerra: Thank u young man, u see a nutshell cant contain my plans. U must understand that I am a child of fortune, even my name proves it, my mother christened me ‘goodluck’ and ever since, this name has been working for me..The bible says “Never give another man yawa, because who God has blessed, no man can curse’
Me: Errr…that’s 2face sir…
Dr Umblerra: exactly, I am blessed..i have plenty plans but it will not be wise to reveal them here so that my political enemies will not tiff them and start using it as their own. Infact, I am just coming from the copyright commission where I went to copyright the plans so nobody can use it.
Me: Sir, can this Umbrella cater for the totality of the citizens of this country?
Dame Umblerra: *interrupting* My fellow young man, I have said this thing in time of past, I haff ask this question in times of number “where are u going to press your hand?” it is Umblerra, from the top to the lower one, Umblerra throughout.. Dr Umblerra “interrupting* thank u dear wife, so u see young man, it is not a big umblerra, we don’t want a crowd-if u can buy a space for about 20million naira per head, no problem!
Me: Sir, 20 million!! Does this mean we are paying to enjoy our rights as citizens?
Dr Umblerra: Young man. What d elders see sitting down, u cannot see standing up sef..20 million is small o, do u know how much the flour and icing sugar costs to bake a national cake? Everybody wants a piece but they don’t want to contribute. Dame Umblerra *interrupting* I don’t understand this youthful man, me that is going to market, I know d price of things, if u didn’t have 20million, umblerra cantint cover you but make sure u press ya hand for umblerra!
Me: Ok sir and ma, lets move on to our next participant…Mallam Broom..ur plans sir?

Mallam Broom: yowa! First of all young man, are u shuwa ure not into yahoo, u look like those boys in café and that camry I saw u parking makes u more of a suspiect!
Me: yahoo?! No sir! Im only into Twitter
Mallam Broom: oh! Is that wat you feefle call it now eh? And all of u playing with BB abi?i shall be watching all of u..infact, I shall ban and arrest anyvody I see looking down and plessing fone..Anyway, my flans fo d country are summed up in the words a wise man once said “…for instance, say I be d baale of 9gerians, shey I go dey respect ur own stance,me I go prepare d scenery for better to plenty…Nothing I dey happen!”
Me: Sir, that’s 2face again…
Mallam Broom: Young man, I dey craze? Will I let me finish? i will sweep u away just now *dame interrupts* come under d umblerra my fellow youngman* u feefle think its easy to come back from exile and be president? I am a man of integrity, I am a corruption expert..corruption hears my name and bolts – usain! I haff come to sweep…
Me: so sir, ur plan is to sweep?
Mallam Broom: E wo ode yii sha? Abi won shekpe fun e nii (translates; ode! Abi dem swear 4 u?) What else do u use broom to do? Do u think I came here to pound ewedu? My plan is to sweep..#ThatIsALL

Me: Ok, moving on, we have our last participant here, D General…Sir, u have been trying to become president since the old millennium, don’t u think u should rest? Isn’t it clear that there is no hope?

D General: Young man, a wise man once said “I know say no be everybody sabi play ball, but Arise o’compatriots if Nigeria call…”
Me: *sigh* 2face again…
D General: Exactly! I know I cant play ball, I know I wont win this election but the song said we should Arise, 9ja has called…I have arisen…I shall continue to arise as long as I can rise *walahi, I dey rhyme sha*
Me: your choice of running mate is quite interesting, can you explain the criteria behind this move
D General: hahaha!! Actually, he’s not going to be VP, I put him there so that he can be praying and seeing vision. They say keep your enemies closest..My son lemme tell you my plans..unlike my fellow contestants, I have a plan..i want to provide good roads, housing, employment, food, electricity..

*dame interrupts..pless your hand for umblerra…we haff stayed for the Aso Rock since 2003 and NEPA haff not being take the light..that it is the power of Ebele my husband..my fellow readers, let us enjoying togerra..President-Umblerra, Governor-Umble…*

Me: sorry ma, its not your turn… Dr Umblerra: Are u telling my wife to shut up? Me: No sir..im just saying she should exercise patience…Dr Umblerra: Oh! So u’re callng her fat? Me: fat? No sir…its just an expression… Mallam Broom: you see why we are not moving forward? Simple English….D General: mallam sit down, whaddyu know about English? Mallam like u… Mallam Broom: see this cattle rearer calling me mallam..old cargo, I will sweep u away just now..#NoOperation…D General: you can’t fit…. Mallam Broom: YES I CAN! Dr Umblerra…u’re forming obama abi? After this election, u will start singing Oh na na..wats my name… Dame Umblerra: Yezz darris my song: oh na na whats my names? Its my gurl adanna that sanged it… Dr Umblerra: I thot Chi-gurl was your girl…Dame Umblerra: yes now, Chioma Chi-gurl is my fellow girl, no weisting…

*banter continues*

Dear readers, I don’t think any conclusion can be drawn from this round square table meeting…I think what we need is a national debate where we can really hear their plans and strategy..till then, my personal opinion on this matter is to vote for the wisest man here present: 2FACE!! Afterall, they all quoted him, he has shown that he can take care of a nation by taking care of his numerous wives and kids, he will not be biased politically bcos he’s not even married sef…
Please as election day draws nearer, do the right thing, weigh your options and vote, no be by force sha cos serious shit can be catching u that day..no shit for body o…

God bless the Federal republic…

DISCLAIMER: The post u have just read does not represent the political views of the writer, infact, the writer has no political views because he is politically blind. This is a work of fiction and should be taken serious at your own risk..but if 2face decides to run sha, tell him I can be a good media man for him…#okbye… Haters, I shall attend to you when Chris Okotie and Sarah Jubril win an election.

*dodging chairs, and bullets from Dame the Damager*

In My Head

This is going to be a short post...

I promise, this Shall be a short post...did i hear u say 'get on it with already!" My friend, is it your blog? ehn...is it? Free me abegi...i almost stopped at that line..imagine coming here to read "This is going to be a short post! i should try that sometime!"

Its always a great feeling I feel when I successfully put fingers to keyboard/keypad and churn out another post. Its like the feeling YOU get after you release the demon poo that had held you bound on the way from the office, in the bus, through the traffic..you know that feeling of lightness and UberRelief that only toilets can bring…great stuff I tell ya! So, we are gathered here today to view what promises to be a ‘test read’..Yes! a test read! I have received lots of comments on how deranged I am, crazy , insane and all that nice stuff-im deeply grateful…I think my Twitter bio does justice to that, However, this piece is rated INSANE…if u can successfully read and understand the dialogue in this piece then u my friend can pat yourself on the back and take a seat on the invisible insane anonymous chair over there!! I don’t belong to #TeamYaba anything cos I think my craze senior their own…let this be the test of yours..Read and try to understand.

Goodday Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard this KWAL flight 419 from where you are to where I’m taking you. my name is @KevinWithAnL and I shall be your captain on this flight..our destination is Brain: Left side, Your hosts awaiting your arrival are Me, Myself and I…please ensure that your seatbelts are tightly fastened once the seatbelt sign comes up, there are no emergency exits on this flight so sit still and enjoy the ride. We shall be cruising at heights of ecstasy so feel free to orgasm at anytime..Thank you for choosing KWAL..where we don’t really care about safety but satisfaction!

*on arrival at Left side: Brain*

‘I’: Hi! Welcome to the Brain: Left side..As you must have discovered from his bio and tweets, this is where all the rubbish and insanity that @kevinwithanl feeds you with comes from. We like to call it ‘Headquarters’. We shall attempt to help you understand how he ticks..of course you should know that there are voices in his head that govern his actions…u didn’t know that? Oh my! Ah well, ‘I’ am just one of them. I shall allow ‘ME’ to introduce the occupant of Headquarters.

‘ME’: Yes like ‘I’ said, welcome to headqtrs, there are 3 major occupants here: me (that’s me of course *giggles*), Myself and I (who spoke earlier). Oh! Please make yourself comfortable, let me go and find Myself. ‘I’ will continue till myself and me return…

‘I’: Alright, while we await me and myself to return, lets talk about I for a bit (yeah, I’m rastafari like that)…I’m the sole male occupant here in headqtrs, I’m like the head of this Trinity, everyone does what I say, they eat what I like, write what I think, fart when I say so…i mean, I’m just too much. I don’t try to be me or myself, I’m just I (jah rasta!!)..but here’s a little secret, I’m kinda in a fix cos *whispering* I love Me…and I also love Myself..Shhh…don’t ever let ‘em hear it!

‘ME’: Back!!! And I’ve found Myself too..

‘I’: oh! There you are, where were you?
‘MYSELF’: Ah well *sigh* just being myself really…wandering around..
‘I’: Ok, fair enough, we have this visitor who wants to meet us all, I was just telling ‘em how I run things here…
‘MYSELF’: You run things? That ain’t true, you cant do that without ‘Me’!
‘ME’: Exactly! You need Me to make things work!
‘I’: says who?!
‘MYSELF’: says ‘Me’ duhhh….
‘I’: Are you supporting her?
‘MYSELF’: I’m not supporting…as usual, I’m all by myself, I’m just saying…
‘I’: Do you have a problem with I and I ?
‘ME’: Abeg don’t start that Rasta accent with me jare…
‘MYSELF’: ‘I’ , don’t mess with ‘Me’…
‘I’: and whose side are you on?
‘MYSELF’: On the left side (isn’t that where we all are? *shrugs* Smh)
‘I’: alright, lets quit the arguments and be nice to our visitor.
‘ME’: ok, should I Introduce Myself?
‘MYSELF’: Are you asking, ‘Me’?
‘ME’: Just wondering, ok…go ahead
‘MYSELF’: Thanks, dear visitor, you must have been welcomed by Me and I, Well I’m always by myself and most times, as a result, im sad…why? Well one day, the words “I love Me” were said by I while I was in the shower…
‘I’: WHAT?
‘Me’: ME?
‘Myself’: ‘I’ admit it, you love ‘Me’
‘I’: I do!
‘Myself’: There, you see?!
‘Me’: but ‘I’ cant love ‘Me’
‘Myself’: Why?
‘Me’: cos ‘I’ love(s) ‘Myself’
‘Myself’: Me?!
‘Me’: Yes?!
‘I’ : I am DEAD!

*Both staring at i*

‘I’: ladies calm down!
‘Me’: Calm down? How can I say that?
‘Myself’: Just come out and be plain…Me or Myself?
‘I’: err…err…I love U !
‘Me and Myself’: U?! and who the ‘ell is U?

“U” dear reader is you reading this right now, allow me to at this point appreciate your frequent visits to this post. Yup! You are the reason I try to at least put up something here cos I know that I add to your day in my own little way. So from the bottom, blackest part of me heart, I wanna say I love u! (if you’re a lady, I mean it more..guys u know now..fistbump!)

Yeah! so u made it thus far. Are u still sane or have I beyond reasonable doubt proven that you are probably just as crazy as I am..if u were able to understand the above dialogue and make sense out of it, then congratulations! U are now qualified to add the title ‘insane’ to your CV, resume or Bio! That was just a typology of the arrant nonsense that plays out in my head on the regular (serious o!)..What else is left to say…errr…safe journey to wherever you came from..this was a one way flight so ure gonna have to find ur way back by urself! Haters and Henemies…I really don’t have any words for y’all cos I don’t think u made it this far..your brain capacity can’t contain such brilliance...i’m sure u died while processing the first paragraph…so till next time guys, IshyourBwoy…!!!

*doing the Prakatatumba*

Wasn't this short?

We are M.A.D...

“Buy your gala here, Cold LaCasera here, Otapiapia rat killer here, Aunty you wan do your hair?”…Typical scenery we all encounter on a regular. It’s the world we live in, buying and selling is the order of the day cos whether we believe it or not, this world IS a MARKETPLACE and the currency we have is TIME.

This post is a deviation from my normal kinda stuff (I think I said that 2 posts ago as well), but anyway im’ma try to still hold your attention as long as I can, pls FOLLOW along cos I’m going somewhere Yes! Have u noticed how most of our statements regarding time are basically similar to those used when referring to money? We either SPEND it, SAVE it, WASTE it or INVEST it…therefore, it makes complete sense the phrase “Time is MONEY”. I’m not here to do a lecture on TIME..i’ll leave that to Jack Griffin (the erstwhile CEO of TIME magazine) but anyway, we are all given 24hrs in a day and we either spend, save, waste or invest it. Now a lot of us reading this are tech-savvy *shrugs* that’s why u can read this in d first place, u know how your phone or laptop has become your best buddy, some of u even have names for them like brian, jasmine, kafayat etc just to show the deep level of affiliation…now also, a lot of us are on facebook and Twitter and all the social networking sites or at least 2..now here’s THE question: “Have you EVER felt like u have WASTED a whole day or at least a large chunk of ur day chilling with brian, jasmine or kafayat (your phone)? Have u ever felt like u SPENT all day tweeting and at the end you feel like a “weist?” Raise your hands if u’ve ever felt that way, my hands are up by the way! Lets focus on Twitter shall we, while some people just come on and tweet for fun n laughs, for some of us, it’s a strategic means to an end..if u ask @exschoolnerd or @Msjazzyfied, they will tell you that tweeting PAYS! I’ve also discovered it too and that’s what I wanna share with you today (I’ve got ur attention now abi? thank me later..)

We come on Twitter and ask people to follow us for no apparent reason and some do if they like your avatar, bio or your tweets. However, today I present to you a better reason to ask people to follow you. We aim to give our tweeting a purpose and by ‘we’, I mean the members of “TweetforCharity” or “TW4C” for short ..we are normal tweeps on your TL who have decided to maximize the essence of our tweets by giving a certain amount to charity cause(s).

Here’s how it works: we donate a tiny sum per follower (those following us) and for those we follow too (and trust me, it is a VERY VERY small amount)..Let me attempt a mathematical representation here:

@kevinWithAnL...following 100 , followers 200
let 'x' represent the donation amount
therefore, x X 100 = 100x (amount to be contributed for those following)
x X 200 = 200x (amount to be contributed for followers)
This implies: Total contribution done by @KevinWithAnL
= 100x + 200x = 300x

I tried abeg…These monies are then collated and used to meet certain needs of those in need (err..does this make sense?)…im not so much of an expert in financial matters but we have all logistics tied down. Contributions will NOT be going to any individual but to the Bank account dedicated to the purpose which has already been opened..statement of expenditure and all those stuff will be sent to member’s e-mail addresses. we will also pass info on Twitter..Now our tweeting will no longer be a waste of time or spent unwisely, it becomes an INVESTMENT into the lives of the less priviledged, its our way of making a difference while yet having fun, our way of bringing change and putting smiles on peoples faces (I feel like a speech welling up) In essence we will now be tweeting for Charity! It gives a focus…by the way, this doesn’t mean u should be scared to follow people or follow back o, abeg!

Presently, we have 21 tweeps who are the foundation members of TweetforCharity..these include @WF_SimonSEEZ, @ifreke, @engee01,@HUGOverified, @greenactsgroup, @junkyp, @tobiamoo, @farouqh @vivisleek, @bleezers, @ThelmaTweets, @spitgucci, @Drewbaba, @Msjazzyfied, @Dzerghz, @abiodunbala, @kneeyie, @BragginRightz, @M4minx, @sunkanmi and my not-so humble self… yeah! its not as if these guys have any benefits like company car or office so don’t sweat it, they are just the first among many hopefully.. So we met in lagos in December at Ozone and subsequent meetings in january and decided to take the first steps, we are going to visit an orphanage: The name of the orphanage is the Centre for Destitute Empowerment and it is run by Pastor Samson Okoliko and his wife with staff strength of five.The orphanage is located at 8, Makanjuola Close, Pako, Idimu Alimosho L.G. with a branch office in Abuja which is run by his wife.

The orphanage, with a population of 64 kids, is a home for motherless babies and children with all sorts of disabilities including autism, polio, neurosis, mental retardation and so on. According to the Pastor Okoliko, the greatest need in the orphanage is food items, clothes and also paying of staff salaries. He was also open to the idea of hosting the children to a party or a movie or generally anything that would leave a lasting impression on the children’s minds. We intend to Make a difference in the way we can and we invite you to join in too.

Fellow Twitterians, This is a call to serve, a call to stand up and be counted or sit down..and still be counted though. TweetforCharity is up and on the move, you can either join the train or not (its not by force o) but I prefer being an agent of positive change than a spectator..the choice is yours! What we ask is that u decide today whether you want to be a weist on Twitter or not, we present to you a very good reason to be on Twitter 24/7, if they ask u, tell them you are tweeting 4 charity..Some of us make money on/from Twitter re: laide and Isioma...this is a chance for us to give back to ‘society’ *evil laugh,runs to hide* Lets not be asked what Twitter is doing for us, lets show what we are doing with Twitter!

Oh! By the way, M.A.D in the title means 'Making A Difference'

Meanwhile, I feel like a gala and Lacasera right now…GALA!!!!

God bless the Internet Republic of Twitter

*recite second stanza of national anthem here*

Details of the financial breakdown and all other required information can be sourced from http://tweetforcharity.blogspot.com which will be fully functional soon.

For inquiries and questions, please direct such to @twt4Charity on Twitter

the AFTERMATH...

The following programme is Rated 18, viewer discretion is advised as this program contains scenes of hilarious fits, unreasonable reasoning and utter disregard for anything sane! Remember, you can activate the Parental control on your decoder at this point, just press…”sharrap! As if y’all don’t know how to deactivate the stuff”

*Rolling Film Trailer*

*Insert sound effects, preferably gush of wind NOT local ibo whistle sound*

*James Earl Jones voice* “He was a man (picture flashes), she was a woman (picture flashes) and Faith (not @Chyychy) brought them together! He wanted something, she wanted something and like I said, Faith brought them together (they attend the same church)…KelvStone pictures presents a tale of Love and Passion, a story of what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano, Sacrifice, 419 and lots of ‘Torch and follow’…*major sound effect here* “The POST VALENTINE story”…coming NOW to this blog u’re reading!!!

Buhahaha!!! I always wanted to do that, I mean the whole voice over movie intro thingy. Ah! Relief! Anyways, here we are again and NO, this is not a movie so there are no characters involved, but digressing a bit, can’t our pple learn? Must we successfully deafen our audience in a bid to advertise a movie? Shey its one guy that does all that shouting? He should be found and MENDed quickly! And even if u don’t tell us, im sure every Musa, Chinwe and Rasaki knows that the movies can be found at Pound Road Aba and 51, iweka Rd Onitsha! So spare us and ehen, what consequences await if we don’t “GRAB OUR COPY NOW!” mtscheeew..ok, jare back to why we are here…!

My people, life is like a University and at intervals, we must write exams-some we pass and others we fail, inevitably, those we fail we must carry over and write again. An exam was just concluded on feb 14th and the results are out! I painstakingly put myself through the agony of taking a class just before the exam to ensure that we all come out in flying colours..so Vals day has come and gone (Thank God), if u’re here and your vals day was a success lemme see your hands..ok, 1,2,3…if it wasn’t..ah!,1,5,17, 75..ok drop it! Wow!! What happened? U didn’t follow my class rules? Hehehe…Anyways, Vals day has come and gone obviously. Some are basking in their gains, others are licking their wounds and counting their losses! I belong to the group of people who did nothing, got nothing and basically just sokpa’d on Twitter for most of d day..You know it was always bound to be interesting anyways, a day with so many people dressed in red as in a perfect representation of d intentions for the day either boys a/c goes RED, ladies show you their RED eye etc..So what makes u think u had a great Vals day? Because Tunde sent u a Teddy bear and chocolates abi? Ure an AGBAYA!!! Yezz and im not beefing o, haba! U’re 25 amd u’re dragging Teddy with your 2-yr old niece, what does that make u? Ehn? U say what? “it’s the thought that matters?” ok, so if he had sent a text that said ‘hey baby,im just thinking abt u this vals bcos its d thot that counts” tell me u will not curse his generation in your local dialect! Leave that tin jare…and u, he took u out for Ice cream and Fried Rice …I don’t want to believe that because Esau sold his birthright for porridge, u now deemed it fit to open ur legs because of ice cream and fried rice. Incase u didn’t know, jacob’s porridge had assorted meat and fish in it!! Mtscheeew.. if you are among the lucky one(s) that got a Land Rover, iPad or a wedding ring through legitimate means, then I celebrate with you, You have eaten of the spoils of d season.

Meanwhile, I know that some of u think u’re smart abi? U bought yourself perfume and a card and addressed it to yourself to save face, some even ordered room delivery Pizza and bucket of ice cream so that them no go carry last..its all right! And you guys that came home by 5am claiming u were out all night with the chic while u were crashing, holding pillow tight at your fellow guys house, nothing do you!!
I know that some peeps genuinely celebrated the day, as in those who are really in love oh (probably heading to marriage sef), I don’t have a problem with them. Whether he took u out, bought u Fan Yogo and took u back home, u know that u’ve hooked him and when he finally asks u to marry him, u can start your revenge! But my pain is for those who 9months from now will deliver the fruit of a Mr Biggs lunch or the result of a night of clubbing and too much booze. He says he loves u now abi, wait till u tell him u missed your period, he will MISS that PERIOD!! It’s the aftermath of Valentine that excites me, if we were to have news headlines on that, we would hear things like..

• DMT mobile Toilets experience total overload as a result of all the SHIT they had to deal with on vals day
• Girl breaks boys head with STAR bottle after unwrapping gift of Nokia BB
• Sales of balloons surprisingly skyrocket as chemists record sell out of condoms
• Woman goes gaga after eating ‘igbo’ leaves mixed with beans and macaroni while thinking she was served chinese

The stories will be endless and I’m sure you all have some to share… Asides the virtual aftereffects, the physical effects will be alarming! I can safely bet that roasted corn and agbalumo (shebi its d season) will begin to trend as guys have most likely exhausted d small money that they have..Some will easily fit into their church 21-day fasting program cos it comes naturally at this time..Girls, don’t be shocked if your bf all of a sudden loses weight and becomes slimmer, its actually your fault..Shikena!! Ok, moving on…What? Oh! you wanna hear MY vals day story? Seriously, I did nothing-just lazied around, sent voicenotes to some people, deleted some members of the “Dumb Broadcast Association” that reside in my BB and chose that day to manifest their shallowness, but really, I knew that broadcasts were going to be a major feature of the day but I didn’t expect to see some of the kind I got…eg: ”The federal ministry of Love warns that boys who buy nothing for their gf’s will be broke 4 ever and girls who claim to be on their period will bleed to death…Pass this on to 20 people if u want your vals day to be a success” and some FOOLS (pardon my Spanish) FULL of FOOLISHNESS still deemed it fit to broadcast this FOOLISH message.

Smartphones should be taken out of the hands of dumb people…I think we should have IQ tests before some phones are sold to people…”err..sorry, u do not qualify to use a Blackberry, pls proceed to the 3310 stand and look through as you will definitely find something to interest you there!” (BTW, one of the most annoying broadcasters I have is a follower from Twitter, pls I thought Twitter would have refined u a bit, if u are reading this and ure wondering if its you, then it is!!! Quit it already with the broadcasts. I haven’t deleted you yet bcos im nice like that but there is a limit…) Later in the day, I strolled to Chicken Republic and I wasn’t disappointed, it was a sea of red: balloons, uniforms, customers, I took some pictures and then went to Mr Biggs, If I needed any confirmation that Mr Biggs is almost dead, I got it that day..it was almost empty! Came home and tweeted more, it rained heavily and I slept off.

So in conclusion, it has come and gone, life goes on..girls, note however that now that vals is over, u will get more advances as guys realize that the coast is clear especially if your birthday is nowhere in sight..and guys if u attempt to toast that girl now, be prepared to answer the question “where were u since?” Before she says YES, she will collect vals gift, xmas gift , New years gift and the gift for her mother’s 50 years birthday that u (obviously) did not attend 2 years ago! So I rejoice with all y’all who had a great. Memorable day and for those of you who totally failed d class, Turn to your neighbor and say “Fear Not!, u have only carried over the course, u have the opportunity to pass it next year”

Enjoy some of the scenery..thanks to @jemieyt and @misjuwa for the picture inputs

Haters and Gbagaun finders, u can like to microwave salad while waiting for Hell to freeze over, Till then though, try licking ur elbow while waiting for DaGrin's call or better still, save yourself the stress and just show love for once in your life: Kiss a naked wire, that might be the only naked thing u'll ever kiss #Okbye

PS: The search for the ONE comes to the finish line...

REMEMBER...

Aloha! Bienvenue! Welcome once again to 5mins of reading what will eventually turn out to be a refreshingly relaxing good read (that’s if u can read), it might take 10mins if u hate scrolling side to side (like I do) using ur Blackberry, it could even take 30mins for you to see this page if you are using a NOservice provider such as EmpTyHen…but anyhoos, indulge me yet again.

Allow me to state at this point that this post is a kinda deviation from my previous, not funny and is gonna be quite nostalgic and as such I hereby recommend u grab a hanky or two for when the tears start falling. But then again, who r u deceiving? U and I know that no one is watching you and you use your ever-reliable shirt sleeve to clean your eyes and blow out your buttery looking snort..go ahead jare! Nothing do you. This post was actually inspired by Facebook, yes, Facebook!! U know, Facebook is like your ex-girlfriend, you had so much fun times and then all of a sudden, u get bored and a new exciting chic comes your way and u’re on to the next one!(Me I don’t do that sha) but u do! you good-for-nothing lowlife heartbreakers!!! At times, I wonder how facebook feels when she sees YOU strutting arm in arm with Twitter, she doesn’t complain though- shes consoled by the fact that YOU still visit early in the mornings to check YOUR schedule and sometimes in the day to give her YOUR new pictures, its Hi5 that is totally shattered sha, I head she’s now strutting herself on the streets seeking customers since no one knows her address anymore or even the password to ‘enter’ her. SHEEET!!! How did we get here? I said this was inspired by facebook, not ABOUT facebook! Ok Kelv, concentrate…moving on…Today, I wanna take us back a lil’ bit to when men were boys and women were girls…oh! I haven’t told u the correlation between Fb and this? *sigh* Fb represents our history, our past..so today we are going to be remembering some things from the good old days…I started a Trending Topic on Twitter #UareNotInMyGeneration to help bring back the memories and they came flooding in..so im’ma share some, feel free to add more in the comments section…

Remember those nites of PALACE, CANDLELIGHT. CHECKMATE, BEHIND D CLOUDS..8pm things
Remember how we used 2stay up to watch niteshift on DBN?
Remember telematch?
Remember how your heroes growing up were Hulk Hogan, Ultimate warrior, Bruce lee etc? now u're wondering why u're such a thug?
Remember when MARIO was d best game around and u could kill for a Gameboy or Nintendo?
Remember how u saved 2buy ur left n right game and in your mind that brick racing game rocked?
Remember when church services just meant ice cream after service?
Ladies Remember when all you could do to ur hair was jerry curl and perming? who brought all these horse hair tins sef...mtscheew!!!
Remember where u were when kanu's goal sunk brazil @ atlanta 96? That was when Kanu was 35!
Remember AIT jamz with kenny n d1 rockin fubu baby….AGBAYAS!! and now Kenny sings?! SHAME! LAME!
Remember how u used 2 wait til dec 31 to dub ur favorite songs from the Top 100?
Remember rewind + stop + play trying 2get d lyrics of a song so you could write in that love letter? and ending the letter with xxx and 'sealing with a kiss?" ..pathetic people..smh
Guys remember wearing 2trousers n thinking it was cool? and how u used to 'chest' cane?
Girls remember when d only joint u knew were barbeach n water parks…(I wish that never changed)?
Remember when bread was N10 n pure water was sold in nylons?
You, Bad Guy!! Remember how you cried when you watched Titanic??
Remember Domitilla and that first 'naked scene' in Glamour Girls? we wanted to crucify Eucharia but nowadays, just bring cossy and its all cosy!!
Remember Chike n d river, Eze goes to sch, Ali and Simbi? if u don't it means u went to night school or u didn't go at all...
Remember when Dec 25th meant watching 'jesus of Nazareth' all day?
Remember CRUSH, PARLE SODA...and Sunday rendezvous (just to drink Limca)
Remember when Junior & pretty were ur heroes? and it wasnt cool 2b called Bolanle or Monica?
Remember when Tv started at 4pm?
Remember babadudu, ofio,oyakaka TastyTime, gogo and M&K?
Remember when to toast a girl just involved a letter and a tape of her fave songs?
Remember sagem mc320, talkabout,alcatel n ur sim of 80k
Remember 'My book of Bible stories?' what's that? and u wonder why ure a sinner...smh
Remember NITEL cards and how u used to store them in freezers to recharge?
Remember reading Nackson magazines guys? me i didnt read sha...seriously!!
Remember the 3 orange men? no seriously, wat was that all about? I wonder what colour they are now…
Remember Birdman, SuperTed, Dodo the kid from outer space, OvideVideo , DoctorWho?
Ladies, remember the Butterfly dance? Imagine yourself doing that today…y'all looked like you were releasing your butt muscles for more effective farts...
Remember CableTel and how you tuned your TV to get it, Clapperboard, NTA 7(if u still have this channel ehn…)
Remember the early day music videos done in AIT studios? 2face them had humble beginnings sha, wearing vests and ish...and d guy still wore vest in African Queen video, Thank God for watever/whoever showed him d light
Remember how when (is this even correct english?) anyway, Remember how when your folks wanted to go get shoes for u, they'd measure your foot with a broomstick?
Remember those soaps: The Rich also cry, Secrets of the sand (7:30-8:30pm Tues n wed), Wild Rose, Maria des Los angeles
Remember sledgeHammer and Lois & clark?

I could go on and on…but im just gonna stop here so u don’t cry a river and flood your home…yeah, I needed to put this up here for posterity (whatever that means) and err..also cos I felt like writing something..Meanwhile, in other news, there is no other news!

I hope to see u again when the next post is out and I’m back to my normal annoying self, for my beefers and Haters, @MsJazzyfied has advised me to slap y’all, I really would have loved to but the love of the Lord constraineth me and this MFM church near my house has given me a better idea, its called FIRE!!!

*Dances butterfly galala out of stage to the tune of ACE by Sir Shina Peters*

Shhhhh....CLASS IN SESSION!!!

Ok, here’s the deal, the last post on Vals blues seemed to be a kinda hit and I got lotsa mentions and comments on Twitter and in my mail concerning it (+ve and –ve) if I may say, Still though I must thank everyone who did for taking/making the time to actually read d post, me sef I tire for the length. Meanwhile, I must at this point make it clear that I am NOT a relationship expert and the views presented in d post were just my personal opinions (na lie o, i wanna expert die?). Lots of people seemingly agreed with the expressed desires/needs of both sexes while some criticized me for bringing out their dirty G-strings and Boxers out for the world to see! Im sorry- SUE ME!!!

Today though, I really don’t have a direction of writing (typing as d case actually is), im just going to rant all d way to the end of this post (another lie, guy u dey lie sha)..Oh! an idea just popped into me ‘ed…lets see, still on d valentine day matter, for those who actually will have a val or have the opportunity to take that girl ‘out’ on that day, a common dilemma is how to proceed. Don’t deny it, u’ve been racking your brain since on how you can give her the perfect experience and hopefully, eventually get something more than “Thank u for a nice day, I’ll ping you later!” well worry no more! Im here to take you on Valentine 101-401, I’ll be ur Professor for the class, call me Prof @KevinWithNoVaL, Class is in session students! Read my lips and make A’s in this Test!!This is where you sit down, grab your note and pen and begin to take notes..I’M SERIOUS!! U’re gonna need this…!!! And oh! This is tailored for the guys sha..ladies no vex, y’all know I love you..pls do read and fall in love with ME! Yes me!!

Ok guys, so u read the last post and u got an idea of what she wants for vals day and Thank God your account is not as red as the season so you were able to get her that iPad and the name encrusted pendant. U should know that you have 24hrs in the day to show her a great time climaxing in giving her the gift and hopefully other climaxes as well..So it’s a Monday and she probably has to work or go to school or maybe even stay home. No matter what she does, do NOT, I repeat do NOT be the first, second or third person she SEES on the day!! Even if you are jobless, try and form scarce, there is VALUE in SCARCITY! Re: fuel…But ensure that you mark your presence..here’s how: Ladies want a sense of assurance or reassurance as the case may be as often as they can get it, PDA’s are always a welcome tool.if u have a BB and she does too, it won’t be a bad idea to use her pic as ur DP with a status like “I’m going to love u always and a day more” BUT if u’re like @walegafar or @HUGOverified who are dating their whole street, then it might not be such a good idea sha. If u don’t have a BB, no wahala, I advise that you don’t call her just yet..send her a text saying “I don’t need a special day to celebrate u, but I think d world does cos u’re that special..i love u baby, today, tomorrow and 4ever” Yeah, mushy stuff like that will increase her anticipation and excitement level.(that’s if u’ve not effed up recently o!ehen!) Pls ensure your texts are orginals, do NOT use or 4wd any sent to u..if u love her that much, then u should be able to express it but if not, hit me up on Twitter and I wee compose a msg guaranteed to sweep her off her feet into MY arms..!!!do NOT start quoting MI or darey and think that she will not know, keep it ORIGINAL guys!

So her day has started with a text msg from u,Try to avoid GBAGAUNS cos u dont want her remembering u for d wrong reasons but try and see how u can maintain the tempo probably a text every hour..might sound lame but it does fly, on BB, u could change her pic every hour with a new status as well (if she's got it, then flaunt her..if she doesn't however, u may wanna spare us d torture) ahem! moving on, send her voicenotes at intervals…PLEASE DO NOT 4WD ANY BROADCASTS NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED IT IS! I’m thinking I will create a broadcast and circulate sha with hidden illuminatti messages in it capable of bursting her head and ruining your relationship buhahaha..i dey warn u naw o!! So u’ve succeeded in keeping her excited all day, its afternoon now..this will be a good time to call her and in your most sexy voice (the one u use when u’re looking in d mirror while brushing) tell her in clear language (ibo, Yoruba, hausa, pidgin or English) how u look forward to seeing her later in the day. Remember even if u’re both jobless (no offense o), Try to see her late in the day. Anytime from 3pm works. I suggest you do a late lunch..shey u know lunch will be cheaper than dinner on that day sha? Ehen! But if u have money like @WF_SimonSeez, then u can do Japanese dinner things (ah! Imagine a candle lit dinner under the stars of the sky, with nature all around u, the wind softly blowing sea breeze on your cheeks while your table for 2 is set is on THIRD MAINLAND BRIDGE..Oh CLASSIC!!!) Ok so u’re set for lunch, pls ensure that the venue for the lunch isn’t too far from where she stays or works. It doesn’t make sense for her to stay at Ipaja-Ayobo and u’re arranging for lunch things at Golden Gate ikoyi (@spitgucci take note) except u’re sending a cab (red cab ni o)..remember we r trying to UP your rep..so if u can find any nice place nearby-cool! Be warned however that u most definitely will see a crowd if u’re going to the Mr Biggs, Nandos and Tantalizers..my suggestion, look for a real restaurant or Hotel with good food, u don’t have to do the common fast food and eateries but u could have ordered take away from any just incase. If she’s at work though, u could send a delivery order to her right there at d office (real food o) u cud ‘spice’ it up with a box of chocs that she can share with her co-workers thus rubbing pepper in their eyes. PS: if ure meeting for lunch, ensure u get there on TIME! Don’t keep her WAITING!! And make sure you’re worth looking at, don’t think because its laide that u’ve been dating u will now come looking like any of @scriptkidd’s avatars..look dapper (starch and iron d shirt)..a matured look always flys, I didn’t say wear tie o but just look and SMELL good..if u smell like a combination of spoilt moi-moi, beans and eggs then u might wanna consider spending some dough on body spray and a nice perfume..and oh yeah..armpit hair? That ish doesn’t work..are u trying to provide accommodation for homeless bacteria, maggots n stuff.eewwww!!! Shave dude, SHAVE!!!

So lunch done, ehen! Pls if u dnt know how to pull out chairs and stuff, or u don’t do it naturally don’t start that day o! its all superficial and that reduces points..same thing with opening doors, just be yourself but if yourself is anything as razz as @SheriphSkills (who thinks deuces is spelt and pronounced duzzez) then pls be someone else, I recommend someone like @bleezers or @Rated_X who represent gentlemanly conduct anytime..So u’ve planned to see a movie eh? Here’s the downside to that- yup! The cinema is gonna be full and then she might wanna just go home afterwards and that’s it! Yes THAT’S IT!!! So Prof suggests u probably do an indoor movie, u could arrange with a hotel to have lunch there and then pay a bit more to have them show your movie in their mini theatre (I think some have), make sure it’s a movie she wants to see, don’t ga’an play SAW 6 bcos u wanna scare her into ur arms for easy cuddling (that’s what I would do sha cos im gangsta like that), ensure it’s a film she wants to see..so u’ve gotta find that out. U’ve got your privacy, u’ve got her in your arms (hopefully),so..we can hope that the movie mood will allow for some mouth-to-mouth *LORD WHY ME?! WHY THIS SINGLENESS?!* now wailing,tearing bag of rice to wear as sackcloth*sorry jare, my emotions got d better of me… anyway, let nature take its toll BUT IF nature is being a beach, then take the bulls by d balls and make things happen..press d right buttons (i did not send u to press her shirt buttons o! ehen..that will be a good time to have the waiter bring in the bottle of wine (eva, bluecocktail are NOT allowed) u’ve ordered..she most likely will ask “are u tryna get me drunk?” tell her with all confidence and style...“nah..thats for later” if she says nothing or just smiles or nods..then u’ve SCORED!! YAY!!!

Wrapping it all up..if she can’t stay d night at any hotel..oh! if u’re doing dinner in a hotel, it wont be a bad idea to book there as well (pls confirm she cn afford to stay the night before booking o, if not u will enjoy the bed and AfricaMagic by yourself)..but if she has to go back home, now is a good time to bring out her gift and with all lingua dexterity, let her know how much you love her..bla bla bla yadi yadi yada…just give her d friggin’ gift already..hopefully she may ask you to stay a while or if u’re in a hotel, then all is set..PLS NOTE THAT I’M NOT ADVOCATING FOR ANYTHING SEXUAL O, IM JUST TEACHING THE COURSE AS THE SYLLABUS STIPULATES!! Eventually, remember that Vals day is just One day and so whether u get any or not shouldn’t be a problem, try to make it GENUINELY all about her, u do not rush perfection. If u successfully ‘WOW’ her, her life-and yours will NEVER be the same again..cheers guys! Show her sincerely how much of a queen she is..Ladies ae special and that’s why we love ‘em..even if ur mind is as corrupted as most cybercafé systems, try to make it all about her and little of u..

By the way guys, I’m in trouble o…I think I’ve ‘met’ the one…out of Six…but I don’t know EXACTLY which one she is..

#OkBye…