Letter To Her

*silence* door cringes, its 5am in d morning, huddled on a chair neckdeep in scribbling is this author...and then...a phone rings "...play any TerryG chant here* aaaarrrgh!!! There goes my epic intro...darn!!!

Hey y'all, welcome again to what promises to be a 'worth it' 10minute read..yeah, let's get str8 2d point--------------> .
Ok, 2 of my fave bloggers did a post recently that inspired this.. @exschoolnerd wrote a letter to her unborn girl child view here http://exschoolnerd.net and @nobsdasluushkid did one for his unborn son...since I was out of options n didn't wanna be cliche, I'm hereby writing this letter to my wife-to-be..

At Home (which is benin for now but will definitely change to Abuja (1st choice), New Lagos (2nd choice)

Hey sweetness, hon, babe, darlin, how u doing this beautiful day..yes I shall refer to u as any of d above n more most often, names like mama ____ will not be allowed in our home. What u will call me is up 2u as long as its not papa ___ or 'tomato jos' or 'jollof rice' Anyway, I'm sure u'll be too posh for that! So how are u? I'm going to skip the initial list of my preferences (tall, short, black, yellow, busty, slim etc) and go straight 2d issues..u can come from any part of d country although I seem to tend 2wds my type (no offense)..ok sweets, I know u're waiting for me somewhere, don't worry, I'm doing all I can to ensure that I'm with u in no distant time (say 'X'yrs from now) in the meantime, I hope u are not following men o! I hope nobody is 'doing' u...see I'm 'keeping' myself for u so u berra be doing d same. If uve been 'doing' tins, then u shd stop IMMEDIATELY u finish this note! Ahn ahn! No wife of mine would have shared things with every Punk, Dick and Horny that pays for BIS for her or takes her to GoldenGate..so u berra stop o! Ehen!!
Ok love, I'm a sucker for beauty I mean, look at me-u shd be able to complement all of this (yes)..this means I appreciate u looking good like always! Even in d house, I don't care how many wrappers ur mum n family friends gave u, they shd remain IN THE BOX they came with. The only wrapping u shd tie around d house is d duvet..ehen! Bum shorts are totally welcome, just ensure that u don't wear it in d presence of visitors (I don't want them drooling on our persian rug). Then hairnets, baybee I have no problem with them, as long as they don't smell like a skunk curled up in there and died..and err, u don't need to wear em all d time we r home.I love running my hand thru ur hair..ehn? What? Its Brazilian?! Ehen?? So brazilians don't run their hands..what rubbish! Behave o! *exhales*..
Yeah, pls ensure u spice up your underwear collection, Victoria Secret is definitely in (I can't wait to 'reveal' d secret) don't buy Victor's secret o! Ehen. Granny things are OUT! G-strings, C-strings even No-strings are allowed! Just be Hawt! Hawt! Hawt!!!
Alright babes, u know how ladies say "men are liars and cheats?" Here's d deal: I WILL lie to u! Yes I will!! Relax, calm down first naw, lemme explain! Haba!! Ehen! U should be happy I'm giving u dis heads up before time sef..yes as I was saying! I will lie to u..whenever we have a function to attend, know that I will reduce d time by 2hrs so that we will get there on time still, taking into consideration how u ladies need about 2hrs to fix your face but still to avoid delay, I'll make sure you have your own car so you can meet up..Also B, pls know that on days when I'm tired or ure delaying, my 'default' answer to d question "how do I look?" Will be "fine"....and Yes, I will cheat you..I don't know how yet, but I'm working on something and it doesn't involve another woman...or man! Maybe eating from your chicken when u ain't looking or something like that!
Now let's talk cooking..they say d way to a man's heart is his stomach, well that doesn't apply to me sha. I don't see why u shd go thru d stress of passing d stomach 2d heart when u can just go thru d chest...Anyways, (u'l get that if ure smart..I'm sure u are)...so yeah, I'm not so much of a food freak but I love 'eating'. I will come 2d kitchen often, help u slice stuff here n there, watch u waltz around with nothing but the CD player on..hehe..and then we can have interval 'snacks' *winks* while we await d food..(Yes its our house n we can parry where we wanna)..does this make me a sex freak? My dear, do u buy a BB and leave it without BIS all thru d yrs? Hian!! See groove o! U think I've been torturing myself watching spartacus for nothing? U think I read Nackson and Better Lover those days just bcos I loved reading? We musto do utunnu, everywhere..living room, kitchen, library/study, terrace, bathroom, visitor's room...be prepared o! How did we leave d issue of food and enter sex sef? Ah well, its a common progression. I'm sure u will get used to it.
Alrighty then, to d issue of kids..err..well, its d 21st century so having kids like rabbits is so old fashioned, I'm thinking we do a maximum of 3, I'm just thinking sha, ehen! But during our first year of marriage, we aint gonna be 'doing' for kids o! Abeg, I don't want no baby sucking from the same milk factory yet, after one year she/he can join! I'm selfish? Oh yes! Leaf it like dat!!! Moving on cupcakes, this part is quite sensitive so we must tread with caution. It concerns the REMOTE! Yes that object used to control the TV...well, naturally its a male toy and we get the best from it when we hold it, it just makes the world more beautiful..whenever I'm with it, I'd appreciate if u just quietly come and cuddle beside me, play with my chest hairs and whisper sweet nothings into my ear..telling me to get the door or help u get sth at dat time is a No-No! If I'm watching footie, oh! That's like new year service, hard to miss...also babes, pls get some PS3 or Xbox experience cos we definitely are gonna have that in our home..imagine me thrashing u in FIFA or both of us teaming up in Call of Duty..mad stuff, and when we r victorious, we can have mad, steamy sex..*oh get a grip kelvin* anyway, u catch my drift yeah? In our home there shall be no 'do me, I do you' so don't expect me to sit n watch AfMagic with u..I can endure desperate Housewives and Cougar Town but jim Iyke n Tonto Dike? Hell NO!!! What kinda name is Tonto Dike sef? Take out 2 letters from d name and u have a whole new meaning...smh..
Oh! BTW, I'm a good repairman, I can change bulbs and fix in batteries, that's it! The fact that I studied engineering doesn't mean I can fix d TV or d generator or the blender/toaster...let's not be greedy, let d money go round.
Okay love, I've written a lot and I'm sure with these few points of mine, I've been able to paint a clear pic..let's not go into how we'll treat inlaws n stuff, joint accounts etc..we'll yarn that one during d honeymoon..and yeah, just incase ure one of d expectant 'wedding night action' ladies, errr...pls bear with me if I sleep off based on stress, heck! We've got our whole lives ahead of us...I love u already B, u can like to show up now in girlfriend form..emm..if ure in unilag now, there might be a problem, covenant uni is a plus but a graduating 'test' will have 2be done 2ensure that goods invested in are in perfect condition.

This letter is written with love and sealed with a kiss.
XXXXXXXXXXX <--------shebi this is kiss?

Ok peoples, the letter has been sent, not by NIPOST sha, so that she gets it on time..Meanwhile, allow me to welcome to Blogsville my *clears throat* darling @SlimSiren . You should please check out her stuff on http://slimsiren.blogspot.com She's one helluva writer and pls carry your brains along when reading her stuff, u know here we just drop 'em n read along but u're gonna need 'em there! Heehee

Its a wrap people, if this blog has inspired u to do great things and explore your hidden potentials to make this world a better place, pls share with your family and friends and help them tap their untapped strength, dormant ability...oh shut up kelvin! U're not THAT good!!!

*walks away, pen in mouth*

Fruits and Friends...

Yes o! My people...nuttin dey happen! *kelvin! Behave, be posh!!!...ok sorry..hey people, I got this beautiful piece from a dear friend of mine and I feel its something I should share with y'all..I couldn't have thought this up myself so I'm not even gonna try take the credit (but then again, I use etisalat o if ure led)..its a piece on friendship done by @ThelmaTweets ...enjoy

I had an enlightening convo wit a new 'friend' the oda day. It went diz way:
'I recoil when I'm lied to', I said to him and my new friend replied, 'I'm sure you don't have many friends'. And yes, how right he was/is. I don't have many friends but I have people that consider me their friends because I am the-go-to-person-when-you-need-an-advice-or-serious-talking, aka Shrink. And Yes, doctor/patient confidentiality is absolute with zero naira charge. And yes, I love being that friend.
I'm not writing this to tell you about my deplorable friendships and the commendable ones, nah!!! Let's just go on a cheap friendship bus ride. Seeing dat I seldom have friends, talkless of ones that care about me, I mean, 'come on Thelma, u r the strong smart one, u don't need care', I feel poorly equipped to maneuver this steep, sloppy, yet difficult terrain but endure my tirade, please? I have always been the giver and had always been contented wit that (a case of how do you miss what you've never had) until I fell sick the other day.
Incidentally, my two friends (Friend A and Friend B- classed according to their advent) learnt of my ill health thru the same source @ approximately the same time and of course, both threw their pity my way. Excellent!!! But the latter, (friend B) checked in,again and again and again - oh, have u seen a doc, what drugs did u buy, then he continually reminded me to take my meds morning and night till it finished. The former, well, the former forgot.
In friendship, we have d givers n d takers. When two givers befriend, it grows and sprouts in different directions and becomes a meaningful bond dat can be looked back upon in d future wit a glint in d eye, beautiful memories and smiling lips.
When a giver befriends a taker, the former cares, strives, suffocates, resuscitates, crumbles and the taker just nods like the proverbial proud Lizard that compliments itself after a jump...but how long can he really keep trying? And the friendship is lost in the never ending sea of maybe, if, wudda, shudda, cudda.
I know u may have an argument- oh yes, friendship is like a tree- it grows, blossoms, bears sweet, sour, beautiful, jaw slapping fruits, then it withers and dats d end- but, aint we forgetting d fruits? Cuz I love fruits - juicy, fleshy, high in vitamins which is vital and indispensable to our overall health- u get the picture?
The two friends mentioned earlier are both special but each with his unique idiosyncrasy and depth. Sometimes, we have so many friends and some just fall by d wayside. That's the natural- but - aided -by -u -progression, afterall, just one call could have cheated nature out of it.
But, what kind of a friend are you?
...That listens but don't hear,
hears but don't care,
takes and don't give.
When you cant give immaterial things , I just wonder about the material.

Be the oak your friends can rely on.
Be the voice of reason in despair.
Be the smile on a hellish day.
Be the gentle breeze that soothes.
The loving arm of strength who chides and encourages.
Be that friend and more.
Yes, Friendship is a long snake like road, but the knowledge that you'll meet me halfway hardens my resolve to persevere. Do not let it wilt away.

As I close this, permit me, in d indefatigable spirit of friendship to send warm tots yet again to @vivisleek who lost a dear friend that got me weeping incessantly and @KevinwitAnL whose Uncle passed away thankx to an unfriendly health sector. May their souls rest in perfect peace as they rest wit the lord.
This is dedicated to my BFF - Oludotun Olaoye @xxi_v and Queeneth Eyoita @Qblundie - How wonderful my life is, now that both of you are in it.

@ThelmaTweets

Aww...u see, I told u this was a great piece. Now I'm wondering what kinda friend I am. We've all gotta make adjustments somewhere to make things better. Don't be a stiffneck, be flexible...ok! Till d next post which promises to be totally mad, take care of yourself and each other...

Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

RECaP

Hey Guys, Ok it's been quite a while I actually wrote anything about myself and the happenings in my life. So this post is going to be a revert to the good ol' days. Don't be acting as if u don't care, my life is more fun than most nollywood movies and I as the star actor am more talented than your cranky heroes on Tv..hate me if u like, it don't change the cost of rat poison…so err…yimu, yari, yodi and d rest, if u don't know d meaning of the last 2, ask any Tawaklitu near you…lets see, where do we start? Ok, we'll start from where we stopped (wherever that is..)

A lot of water has gone under the bridge #NoTsunami..since my last personal post sometime in January ..its been a great, fast paced year and here we are almost done wth the month of March, before u know it, the year will roll up, that's if it doesn't on May 21st o...a lot of us are forming strong now, nuttin dey happen..try n picture May 20th..I can bet that many people will repent that day, say prayers, some will not tweet so that they won't ga'an yarn dust..Twitfight ke? Everybody will be on their best, some will change handles from sexybootay to IluvSaintpaul, Odinabarbie to OdearLord...I can't wait mehn. Naked avatars? How?! Agbada things or Cele gowns will reign...If ure among those who doesn't have a sense of humor, u might wanna get one cos the lighter u are, d more rapturable u are ok? Alright! Twitter guys will go first cos we get d news first so by d time d Trumpet 'flashes', we don move already..then those on facebook, 2go, MySpace, Hi5 then NTA...hehe!

During the the past days also, we all woke up to d Earthquake/Tsunami/Nuclear explosions in Japan..sad stuff...I hereby on behalf of u my reader send our condolences to them.. As d day passed, I wished all d Broadcasters on my BB were in japan, somebody will just sleep n wake up and snd me a DUMB b/cast abt how sept 11 (usa), Nov 11 (haiti) and Mar 11 (japan) have something in common so I shd repent. I know I look dumb sometimes but ahn ahn, on a scale of 1 to Mr Ibu, I'm still somewhr on Mr Bean's level…the one that is reigning now is lady gaga and illuminatti , who gives a flying rats' tail if na she be d antichrist sef? How does dis BC affect BIS price? cos d rate some people BC makes me believe their service providers have told 'em "d more u BC, d longer ur BIS lasts" ooooohhh!!!! Now I don't know what I was trying to say before I digressed, u people should always draw me back when I start going OP, it normally happens when…*sigh* here I go again…I shd just start a new paragraph…

Okies, so yeah, story of my life…at some point in January, I realized that my search for 'The One' had become a serious matter o! as in peeps on my BBm will ping, say hi, then d next question is "ehen! Have u found d one?" if I had like D'banj's money, I'd have organized a reality show "The search for the One", criteria for entry will be..1.Must be female 2.must be Twitter Savvy 3.Must be person in Twitter Avatar, 4.Must not appear in @GbagaunDetector's Favorites 5.Must be Christian,witty, smart etc…Pls o, I am not asking for applications..i said 'IF' o..ehen!! so, it was so serious that I received lots of resumes and Cv's on BBM , serzly..this one chic sent me her stats and pics to corroborate the stats *covering eyes*, the pics eh..well, people have liver sha..I'm sure most of YOU will die if peeps shd see d pics on ur fone..me I'm innocent sha, just DP's n wallpapers..no wande coal things! Yeah, bak 2d issue, some of u reading this now sef tried or are trying to hook me up with ur friends..*yes you* don't look away, u reading this from ur BB* I received lotsa group invitations but I declined all..groups like "singly mingling", "hottest hook-ups" haba!! Na so I desperate? So, to alleviate the situation, I decided to refocus my blog and do some storylike posts hence the change from online diary to just that!…I'm a smart guy ba? Haha..i know!!! It worked cos I didn't get any questions, offers or favours anymore.

The question for the 50 million naira is then *in Frank Edoho's voice* "have u found the ONE?" My response: *exhales* "well…" *frank interrupts* we will have his final answer in subsequent posts… *sigh…so guys don't blame me, blame frank..and yeah u'll know the answer someday, keep watching this space, I SHALL dedicate a whole post to her, then u will know...but..oh yeah, should I say this? Ah well ok...*in d late Nate Dogg's voice* "Hold up" I do have to report myself 2u guys: about a week ago, I broke a girls heart.yeah..*sigh* u see, I thot she was d ONE n she qualified on almost all counts, d chemistry was crazy and I had expressed my feelings and stuff, she was all that a guy could want BUT...(Here comes that line ladies hear often) "it wasn't her, it was me!" No seriously, I had even planned on how to go see her n stuff...I believe its better you end something before it starts than lead someone through something that's not going to last...so I ended it...hey! I know u're reading this now, I might be a jerk now but I'd have been a bigger jerk eventually...U're good peoples and err..I don't know what to say but.. I know ur ONE is also out there!
so moving on, wat else has happened? Oh yeah..Arsenal…*sigh* my heart bleeds everytime I think about arsenal, allow me to say here that I've been an arsenal fan since way back 1994 (seriously), oh! im sorry my female fans who don't like football, bear wt me a bit..tnx luvs..Anyway, last year I said 'if arsenal doesn't win a trophy this year, im done" im tired of defending d team wt the excuse of "we play good football" or "we are fine boys"..na that wan we go chop? We will be playing, ManU and Chelsea will be winning, WTF? Instead of Wenger to buy players, hes saving money..for what? A nose surgery? We lost 3 cups in 3 weeks, and then somebody will say "u cant lose wat u don't have" eez a lie o!! u can! Lets see how d season ends then I'll do a special post on Arsenal, kinda like a story and Arsenal's character will be a chic with no boobs #GoFigure…Ok, enough footie, lets not allieniate d females.

In Other other news, erm some of u may think that I live on Twitter or here in Blogville but I really do have a professional life and that involves Business Consulting…yes, im into facilitating biz trainings and stuff, Ha! U never woulda guessed huh? It comes easy, I love talking cos I have a voice worth listening to…#NoPstChris..so anyway, this past week, I was able to seal a deal. what makes this one epic is cos I normally do the trainings after d deals have been sealed. This was my first time of chasing and closing a deal, I presented to the whole Mgt team from branches around d country and this your humble guy 'WOWED' them, after my presentation, they all rose, gave me a standing ovation, a vote of thanks and even prayed for me..Ha! at that point all I could think of was "men! This is gonna be some good money!" Anyway, at d meeting with d chairman to discuss the cost, my budget was slashed more expertly than batussai in SamuraiX ..ibo men dey negotiate sha..when the guy brought out his big calculator, I knew I was finished! In all sha, its still a good deal for me…hehehe can I start singing 'boys don hammer?' not yet…more like boys don find d nail!

Some other money making outlets opened through Twitter also but im still going to keep that on the down low till all groundwork is done n stuff is finalized..again I say TWEETING PAYS...ok what else? Oh yes! Im in the process of entering for a 10 day writing workshop in lag to be hosted by renowned writer Chimamanda Adichie sometime in june (Thanks @tobiamoo and @MsJazzyfied for the hook up), we had to write an article of 200-800 words to be selected for it (selection hasn't been done yet, hola @ me if interested..entries close April27th)...as me I didn't have the strength to write anything new, I had to edit one of my old pieces from 1284 words to 798..(Thank God I have an Editor now) trust me, its easier to boil fried egg than to edit a masterpiece..by the way sha, im not really going there to learn #Lowkey, me i want to spend 10 days with one girl like this (details coming soon), I hope we both qualify to attend sha…buhaha!!!

Moving on, I really don't know in what direction we r moving but lets just move…yeah, we had a Tweep gathering in benin d other day, met cool guys @MrEndowednaija, @MoFame_ @sigarda @elceedutchess @eromzy @Okhai_Hov @rukaspumpin @mjhainee @iam_DjNiro and my pals from #TeamOzone @BragginRightz @jo_rox_anne and @eibeedee…Great fun…they said I was easy to spot (u see I AM my avatar), we had a nice time I must say...next time sha, we want more ladies around eh? and er u might wanna follow them on Twitter, lets increase d family…

Rounding up though, I must say that its been a great year so far, I've met wonderful people, I know I've hurt some , let me say here that I'm sorry, I've insulted some (#TeamYabaLeft), no hard feelings eh, just pick on someone your own size next time..MWAH!!, I've trashed some (FIFA things) such is life…but above all, I have loved, oh yes! The future is bright as long as NEPA stays away from it, ive stopped waiting to discover if d light at d end of d tunnel is light or an oncoming train, past experiences has taught me that it is most likely a train..i realize that after it has hit me! (Ha! Classic, lemme go tweet this BRB)…Yeah! so nowadays, I just move on to d next tunnel…now though, ive got a gen that lights up d whole tunnel, I can see clearly now and in the words of Naija's next best RnB crooner 'Funbi' : "its YOU I see" <----that was a sub

Yeah, so my Gbagaun people and those on Haterade, u made it all the way down here? I really shd appreciate u for the effort, but I'll do that when D'banj interviews GEJ..oh! that has happened already? *sigh* your bad…here's some advice from one genius to you: " " Yeah, u can't read that? Oh right..its only for the intellectual! *peace out*

Which Way?

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to this first ever round table discussion, the table is square though cos we couldn’t get the carpenter to make a round one on time..Today, we are privileged to have in our midst 3 able bodied men and a woman who are vying for the soon-to-be vacant post of president of this country. They are here to briefly outline to us their plans and strategies for the devt of this country..I shall be your host on this trip, my name is @KevinWithAnL.

Allow me to introduce our participants: we have Dr and Dame Umblerra, Mallam Broom and D General. Ok, we start of with the Dr…”A great day to u sir and we r honoured 2hv u In our midst wt your popular wife, can u in a nutshell tell us ur plans if u become president”

Dr Umblerra: Thank u young man, u see a nutshell cant contain my plans. U must understand that I am a child of fortune, even my name proves it, my mother christened me ‘goodluck’ and ever since, this name has been working for me..The bible says “Never give another man yawa, because who God has blessed, no man can curse’
Me: Errr…that’s 2face sir…
Dr Umblerra: exactly, I am blessed..i have plenty plans but it will not be wise to reveal them here so that my political enemies will not tiff them and start using it as their own. Infact, I am just coming from the copyright commission where I went to copyright the plans so nobody can use it.
Me: Sir, can this Umbrella cater for the totality of the citizens of this country?
Dame Umblerra: *interrupting* My fellow young man, I have said this thing in time of past, I haff ask this question in times of number “where are u going to press your hand?” it is Umblerra, from the top to the lower one, Umblerra throughout.. Dr Umblerra “interrupting* thank u dear wife, so u see young man, it is not a big umblerra, we don’t want a crowd-if u can buy a space for about 20million naira per head, no problem!
Me: Sir, 20 million!! Does this mean we are paying to enjoy our rights as citizens?
Dr Umblerra: Young man. What d elders see sitting down, u cannot see standing up sef..20 million is small o, do u know how much the flour and icing sugar costs to bake a national cake? Everybody wants a piece but they don’t want to contribute. Dame Umblerra *interrupting* I don’t understand this youthful man, me that is going to market, I know d price of things, if u didn’t have 20million, umblerra cantint cover you but make sure u press ya hand for umblerra!
Me: Ok sir and ma, lets move on to our next participant…Mallam Broom..ur plans sir?

Mallam Broom: yowa! First of all young man, are u shuwa ure not into yahoo, u look like those boys in café and that camry I saw u parking makes u more of a suspiect!
Me: yahoo?! No sir! Im only into Twitter
Mallam Broom: oh! Is that wat you feefle call it now eh? And all of u playing with BB abi?i shall be watching all of u..infact, I shall ban and arrest anyvody I see looking down and plessing fone..Anyway, my flans fo d country are summed up in the words a wise man once said “…for instance, say I be d baale of 9gerians, shey I go dey respect ur own stance,me I go prepare d scenery for better to plenty…Nothing I dey happen!”
Me: Sir, that’s 2face again…
Mallam Broom: Young man, I dey craze? Will I let me finish? i will sweep u away just now *dame interrupts* come under d umblerra my fellow youngman* u feefle think its easy to come back from exile and be president? I am a man of integrity, I am a corruption expert..corruption hears my name and bolts – usain! I haff come to sweep…
Me: so sir, ur plan is to sweep?
Mallam Broom: E wo ode yii sha? Abi won shekpe fun e nii (translates; ode! Abi dem swear 4 u?) What else do u use broom to do? Do u think I came here to pound ewedu? My plan is to sweep..#ThatIsALL

Me: Ok, moving on, we have our last participant here, D General…Sir, u have been trying to become president since the old millennium, don’t u think u should rest? Isn’t it clear that there is no hope?

D General: Young man, a wise man once said “I know say no be everybody sabi play ball, but Arise o’compatriots if Nigeria call…”
Me: *sigh* 2face again…
D General: Exactly! I know I cant play ball, I know I wont win this election but the song said we should Arise, 9ja has called…I have arisen…I shall continue to arise as long as I can rise *walahi, I dey rhyme sha*
Me: your choice of running mate is quite interesting, can you explain the criteria behind this move
D General: hahaha!! Actually, he’s not going to be VP, I put him there so that he can be praying and seeing vision. They say keep your enemies closest..My son lemme tell you my plans..unlike my fellow contestants, I have a plan..i want to provide good roads, housing, employment, food, electricity..

*dame interrupts..pless your hand for umblerra…we haff stayed for the Aso Rock since 2003 and NEPA haff not being take the light..that it is the power of Ebele my husband..my fellow readers, let us enjoying togerra..President-Umblerra, Governor-Umble…*

Me: sorry ma, its not your turn… Dr Umblerra: Are u telling my wife to shut up? Me: No sir..im just saying she should exercise patience…Dr Umblerra: Oh! So u’re callng her fat? Me: fat? No sir…its just an expression… Mallam Broom: you see why we are not moving forward? Simple English….D General: mallam sit down, whaddyu know about English? Mallam like u… Mallam Broom: see this cattle rearer calling me mallam..old cargo, I will sweep u away just now..#NoOperation…D General: you can’t fit…. Mallam Broom: YES I CAN! Dr Umblerra…u’re forming obama abi? After this election, u will start singing Oh na na..wats my name… Dame Umblerra: Yezz darris my song: oh na na whats my names? Its my gurl adanna that sanged it… Dr Umblerra: I thot Chi-gurl was your girl…Dame Umblerra: yes now, Chioma Chi-gurl is my fellow girl, no weisting…

*banter continues*

Dear readers, I don’t think any conclusion can be drawn from this round square table meeting…I think what we need is a national debate where we can really hear their plans and strategy..till then, my personal opinion on this matter is to vote for the wisest man here present: 2FACE!! Afterall, they all quoted him, he has shown that he can take care of a nation by taking care of his numerous wives and kids, he will not be biased politically bcos he’s not even married sef…
Please as election day draws nearer, do the right thing, weigh your options and vote, no be by force sha cos serious shit can be catching u that day..no shit for body o…

God bless the Federal republic…

DISCLAIMER: The post u have just read does not represent the political views of the writer, infact, the writer has no political views because he is politically blind. This is a work of fiction and should be taken serious at your own risk..but if 2face decides to run sha, tell him I can be a good media man for him…#okbye… Haters, I shall attend to you when Chris Okotie and Sarah Jubril win an election.

*dodging chairs, and bullets from Dame the Damager*

In My Head

This is going to be a short post...

I promise, this Shall be a short post...did i hear u say 'get on it with already!" My friend, is it your blog? ehn...is it? Free me abegi...i almost stopped at that line..imagine coming here to read "This is going to be a short post! i should try that sometime!"

Its always a great feeling I feel when I successfully put fingers to keyboard/keypad and churn out another post. Its like the feeling YOU get after you release the demon poo that had held you bound on the way from the office, in the bus, through the traffic..you know that feeling of lightness and UberRelief that only toilets can bring…great stuff I tell ya! So, we are gathered here today to view what promises to be a ‘test read’..Yes! a test read! I have received lots of comments on how deranged I am, crazy , insane and all that nice stuff-im deeply grateful…I think my Twitter bio does justice to that, However, this piece is rated INSANE…if u can successfully read and understand the dialogue in this piece then u my friend can pat yourself on the back and take a seat on the invisible insane anonymous chair over there!! I don’t belong to #TeamYaba anything cos I think my craze senior their own…let this be the test of yours..Read and try to understand.

Goodday Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard this KWAL flight 419 from where you are to where I’m taking you. my name is @KevinWithAnL and I shall be your captain on this flight..our destination is Brain: Left side, Your hosts awaiting your arrival are Me, Myself and I…please ensure that your seatbelts are tightly fastened once the seatbelt sign comes up, there are no emergency exits on this flight so sit still and enjoy the ride. We shall be cruising at heights of ecstasy so feel free to orgasm at anytime..Thank you for choosing KWAL..where we don’t really care about safety but satisfaction!

*on arrival at Left side: Brain*

‘I’: Hi! Welcome to the Brain: Left side..As you must have discovered from his bio and tweets, this is where all the rubbish and insanity that @kevinwithanl feeds you with comes from. We like to call it ‘Headquarters’. We shall attempt to help you understand how he ticks..of course you should know that there are voices in his head that govern his actions…u didn’t know that? Oh my! Ah well, ‘I’ am just one of them. I shall allow ‘ME’ to introduce the occupant of Headquarters.

‘ME’: Yes like ‘I’ said, welcome to headqtrs, there are 3 major occupants here: me (that’s me of course *giggles*), Myself and I (who spoke earlier). Oh! Please make yourself comfortable, let me go and find Myself. ‘I’ will continue till myself and me return…

‘I’: Alright, while we await me and myself to return, lets talk about I for a bit (yeah, I’m rastafari like that)…I’m the sole male occupant here in headqtrs, I’m like the head of this Trinity, everyone does what I say, they eat what I like, write what I think, fart when I say so…i mean, I’m just too much. I don’t try to be me or myself, I’m just I (jah rasta!!)..but here’s a little secret, I’m kinda in a fix cos *whispering* I love Me…and I also love Myself..Shhh…don’t ever let ‘em hear it!

‘ME’: Back!!! And I’ve found Myself too..

‘I’: oh! There you are, where were you?
‘MYSELF’: Ah well *sigh* just being myself really…wandering around..
‘I’: Ok, fair enough, we have this visitor who wants to meet us all, I was just telling ‘em how I run things here…
‘MYSELF’: You run things? That ain’t true, you cant do that without ‘Me’!
‘ME’: Exactly! You need Me to make things work!
‘I’: says who?!
‘MYSELF’: says ‘Me’ duhhh….
‘I’: Are you supporting her?
‘MYSELF’: I’m not supporting…as usual, I’m all by myself, I’m just saying…
‘I’: Do you have a problem with I and I ?
‘ME’: Abeg don’t start that Rasta accent with me jare…
‘MYSELF’: ‘I’ , don’t mess with ‘Me’…
‘I’: and whose side are you on?
‘MYSELF’: On the left side (isn’t that where we all are? *shrugs* Smh)
‘I’: alright, lets quit the arguments and be nice to our visitor.
‘ME’: ok, should I Introduce Myself?
‘MYSELF’: Are you asking, ‘Me’?
‘ME’: Just wondering, ok…go ahead
‘MYSELF’: Thanks, dear visitor, you must have been welcomed by Me and I, Well I’m always by myself and most times, as a result, im sad…why? Well one day, the words “I love Me” were said by I while I was in the shower…
‘I’: WHAT?
‘Me’: ME?
‘Myself’: ‘I’ admit it, you love ‘Me’
‘I’: I do!
‘Myself’: There, you see?!
‘Me’: but ‘I’ cant love ‘Me’
‘Myself’: Why?
‘Me’: cos ‘I’ love(s) ‘Myself’
‘Myself’: Me?!
‘Me’: Yes?!
‘I’ : I am DEAD!

*Both staring at i*

‘I’: ladies calm down!
‘Me’: Calm down? How can I say that?
‘Myself’: Just come out and be plain…Me or Myself?
‘I’: err…err…I love U !
‘Me and Myself’: U?! and who the ‘ell is U?

“U” dear reader is you reading this right now, allow me to at this point appreciate your frequent visits to this post. Yup! You are the reason I try to at least put up something here cos I know that I add to your day in my own little way. So from the bottom, blackest part of me heart, I wanna say I love u! (if you’re a lady, I mean it more..guys u know now..fistbump!)

Yeah! so u made it thus far. Are u still sane or have I beyond reasonable doubt proven that you are probably just as crazy as I am..if u were able to understand the above dialogue and make sense out of it, then congratulations! U are now qualified to add the title ‘insane’ to your CV, resume or Bio! That was just a typology of the arrant nonsense that plays out in my head on the regular (serious o!)..What else is left to say…errr…safe journey to wherever you came from..this was a one way flight so ure gonna have to find ur way back by urself! Haters and Henemies…I really don’t have any words for y’all cos I don’t think u made it this far..your brain capacity can’t contain such brilliance...i’m sure u died while processing the first paragraph…so till next time guys, IshyourBwoy…!!!

*doing the Prakatatumba*

Wasn't this short?

We are M.A.D...

“Buy your gala here, Cold LaCasera here, Otapiapia rat killer here, Aunty you wan do your hair?”…Typical scenery we all encounter on a regular. It’s the world we live in, buying and selling is the order of the day cos whether we believe it or not, this world IS a MARKETPLACE and the currency we have is TIME.

This post is a deviation from my normal kinda stuff (I think I said that 2 posts ago as well), but anyway im’ma try to still hold your attention as long as I can, pls FOLLOW along cos I’m going somewhere Yes! Have u noticed how most of our statements regarding time are basically similar to those used when referring to money? We either SPEND it, SAVE it, WASTE it or INVEST it…therefore, it makes complete sense the phrase “Time is MONEY”. I’m not here to do a lecture on TIME..i’ll leave that to Jack Griffin (the erstwhile CEO of TIME magazine) but anyway, we are all given 24hrs in a day and we either spend, save, waste or invest it. Now a lot of us reading this are tech-savvy *shrugs* that’s why u can read this in d first place, u know how your phone or laptop has become your best buddy, some of u even have names for them like brian, jasmine, kafayat etc just to show the deep level of affiliation…now also, a lot of us are on facebook and Twitter and all the social networking sites or at least 2..now here’s THE question: “Have you EVER felt like u have WASTED a whole day or at least a large chunk of ur day chilling with brian, jasmine or kafayat (your phone)? Have u ever felt like u SPENT all day tweeting and at the end you feel like a “weist?” Raise your hands if u’ve ever felt that way, my hands are up by the way! Lets focus on Twitter shall we, while some people just come on and tweet for fun n laughs, for some of us, it’s a strategic means to an end..if u ask @exschoolnerd or @Msjazzyfied, they will tell you that tweeting PAYS! I’ve also discovered it too and that’s what I wanna share with you today (I’ve got ur attention now abi? thank me later..)

We come on Twitter and ask people to follow us for no apparent reason and some do if they like your avatar, bio or your tweets. However, today I present to you a better reason to ask people to follow you. We aim to give our tweeting a purpose and by ‘we’, I mean the members of “TweetforCharity” or “TW4C” for short ..we are normal tweeps on your TL who have decided to maximize the essence of our tweets by giving a certain amount to charity cause(s).

Here’s how it works: we donate a tiny sum per follower (those following us) and for those we follow too (and trust me, it is a VERY VERY small amount)..Let me attempt a mathematical representation here:

@kevinWithAnL...following 100 , followers 200
let 'x' represent the donation amount
therefore, x X 100 = 100x (amount to be contributed for those following)
x X 200 = 200x (amount to be contributed for followers)
This implies: Total contribution done by @KevinWithAnL
= 100x + 200x = 300x

I tried abeg…These monies are then collated and used to meet certain needs of those in need (err..does this make sense?)…im not so much of an expert in financial matters but we have all logistics tied down. Contributions will NOT be going to any individual but to the Bank account dedicated to the purpose which has already been opened..statement of expenditure and all those stuff will be sent to member’s e-mail addresses. we will also pass info on Twitter..Now our tweeting will no longer be a waste of time or spent unwisely, it becomes an INVESTMENT into the lives of the less priviledged, its our way of making a difference while yet having fun, our way of bringing change and putting smiles on peoples faces (I feel like a speech welling up) In essence we will now be tweeting for Charity! It gives a focus…by the way, this doesn’t mean u should be scared to follow people or follow back o, abeg!

Presently, we have 21 tweeps who are the foundation members of TweetforCharity..these include @WF_SimonSEEZ, @ifreke, @engee01,@HUGOverified, @greenactsgroup, @junkyp, @tobiamoo, @farouqh @vivisleek, @bleezers, @ThelmaTweets, @spitgucci, @Drewbaba, @Msjazzyfied, @Dzerghz, @abiodunbala, @kneeyie, @BragginRightz, @M4minx, @sunkanmi and my not-so humble self… yeah! its not as if these guys have any benefits like company car or office so don’t sweat it, they are just the first among many hopefully.. So we met in lagos in December at Ozone and subsequent meetings in january and decided to take the first steps, we are going to visit an orphanage: The name of the orphanage is the Centre for Destitute Empowerment and it is run by Pastor Samson Okoliko and his wife with staff strength of five.The orphanage is located at 8, Makanjuola Close, Pako, Idimu Alimosho L.G. with a branch office in Abuja which is run by his wife.

The orphanage, with a population of 64 kids, is a home for motherless babies and children with all sorts of disabilities including autism, polio, neurosis, mental retardation and so on. According to the Pastor Okoliko, the greatest need in the orphanage is food items, clothes and also paying of staff salaries. He was also open to the idea of hosting the children to a party or a movie or generally anything that would leave a lasting impression on the children’s minds. We intend to Make a difference in the way we can and we invite you to join in too.

Fellow Twitterians, This is a call to serve, a call to stand up and be counted or sit down..and still be counted though. TweetforCharity is up and on the move, you can either join the train or not (its not by force o) but I prefer being an agent of positive change than a spectator..the choice is yours! What we ask is that u decide today whether you want to be a weist on Twitter or not, we present to you a very good reason to be on Twitter 24/7, if they ask u, tell them you are tweeting 4 charity..Some of us make money on/from Twitter re: laide and Isioma...this is a chance for us to give back to ‘society’ *evil laugh,runs to hide* Lets not be asked what Twitter is doing for us, lets show what we are doing with Twitter!

Oh! By the way, M.A.D in the title means 'Making A Difference'

Meanwhile, I feel like a gala and Lacasera right now…GALA!!!!

God bless the Internet Republic of Twitter

*recite second stanza of national anthem here*

Details of the financial breakdown and all other required information can be sourced from http://tweetforcharity.blogspot.com which will be fully functional soon.

For inquiries and questions, please direct such to @twt4Charity on Twitter

the AFTERMATH...

The following programme is Rated 18, viewer discretion is advised as this program contains scenes of hilarious fits, unreasonable reasoning and utter disregard for anything sane! Remember, you can activate the Parental control on your decoder at this point, just press…”sharrap! As if y’all don’t know how to deactivate the stuff”

*Rolling Film Trailer*

*Insert sound effects, preferably gush of wind NOT local ibo whistle sound*

*James Earl Jones voice* “He was a man (picture flashes), she was a woman (picture flashes) and Faith (not @Chyychy) brought them together! He wanted something, she wanted something and like I said, Faith brought them together (they attend the same church)…KelvStone pictures presents a tale of Love and Passion, a story of what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano, Sacrifice, 419 and lots of ‘Torch and follow’…*major sound effect here* “The POST VALENTINE story”…coming NOW to this blog u’re reading!!!

Buhahaha!!! I always wanted to do that, I mean the whole voice over movie intro thingy. Ah! Relief! Anyways, here we are again and NO, this is not a movie so there are no characters involved, but digressing a bit, can’t our pple learn? Must we successfully deafen our audience in a bid to advertise a movie? Shey its one guy that does all that shouting? He should be found and MENDed quickly! And even if u don’t tell us, im sure every Musa, Chinwe and Rasaki knows that the movies can be found at Pound Road Aba and 51, iweka Rd Onitsha! So spare us and ehen, what consequences await if we don’t “GRAB OUR COPY NOW!” mtscheeew..ok, jare back to why we are here…!

My people, life is like a University and at intervals, we must write exams-some we pass and others we fail, inevitably, those we fail we must carry over and write again. An exam was just concluded on feb 14th and the results are out! I painstakingly put myself through the agony of taking a class just before the exam to ensure that we all come out in flying colours..so Vals day has come and gone (Thank God), if u’re here and your vals day was a success lemme see your hands..ok, 1,2,3…if it wasn’t..ah!,1,5,17, 75..ok drop it! Wow!! What happened? U didn’t follow my class rules? Hehehe…Anyways, Vals day has come and gone obviously. Some are basking in their gains, others are licking their wounds and counting their losses! I belong to the group of people who did nothing, got nothing and basically just sokpa’d on Twitter for most of d day..You know it was always bound to be interesting anyways, a day with so many people dressed in red as in a perfect representation of d intentions for the day either boys a/c goes RED, ladies show you their RED eye etc..So what makes u think u had a great Vals day? Because Tunde sent u a Teddy bear and chocolates abi? Ure an AGBAYA!!! Yezz and im not beefing o, haba! U’re 25 amd u’re dragging Teddy with your 2-yr old niece, what does that make u? Ehn? U say what? “it’s the thought that matters?” ok, so if he had sent a text that said ‘hey baby,im just thinking abt u this vals bcos its d thot that counts” tell me u will not curse his generation in your local dialect! Leave that tin jare…and u, he took u out for Ice cream and Fried Rice …I don’t want to believe that because Esau sold his birthright for porridge, u now deemed it fit to open ur legs because of ice cream and fried rice. Incase u didn’t know, jacob’s porridge had assorted meat and fish in it!! Mtscheeew.. if you are among the lucky one(s) that got a Land Rover, iPad or a wedding ring through legitimate means, then I celebrate with you, You have eaten of the spoils of d season.

Meanwhile, I know that some of u think u’re smart abi? U bought yourself perfume and a card and addressed it to yourself to save face, some even ordered room delivery Pizza and bucket of ice cream so that them no go carry last..its all right! And you guys that came home by 5am claiming u were out all night with the chic while u were crashing, holding pillow tight at your fellow guys house, nothing do you!!
I know that some peeps genuinely celebrated the day, as in those who are really in love oh (probably heading to marriage sef), I don’t have a problem with them. Whether he took u out, bought u Fan Yogo and took u back home, u know that u’ve hooked him and when he finally asks u to marry him, u can start your revenge! But my pain is for those who 9months from now will deliver the fruit of a Mr Biggs lunch or the result of a night of clubbing and too much booze. He says he loves u now abi, wait till u tell him u missed your period, he will MISS that PERIOD!! It’s the aftermath of Valentine that excites me, if we were to have news headlines on that, we would hear things like..

• DMT mobile Toilets experience total overload as a result of all the SHIT they had to deal with on vals day
• Girl breaks boys head with STAR bottle after unwrapping gift of Nokia BB
• Sales of balloons surprisingly skyrocket as chemists record sell out of condoms
• Woman goes gaga after eating ‘igbo’ leaves mixed with beans and macaroni while thinking she was served chinese

The stories will be endless and I’m sure you all have some to share… Asides the virtual aftereffects, the physical effects will be alarming! I can safely bet that roasted corn and agbalumo (shebi its d season) will begin to trend as guys have most likely exhausted d small money that they have..Some will easily fit into their church 21-day fasting program cos it comes naturally at this time..Girls, don’t be shocked if your bf all of a sudden loses weight and becomes slimmer, its actually your fault..Shikena!! Ok, moving on…What? Oh! you wanna hear MY vals day story? Seriously, I did nothing-just lazied around, sent voicenotes to some people, deleted some members of the “Dumb Broadcast Association” that reside in my BB and chose that day to manifest their shallowness, but really, I knew that broadcasts were going to be a major feature of the day but I didn’t expect to see some of the kind I got…eg: ”The federal ministry of Love warns that boys who buy nothing for their gf’s will be broke 4 ever and girls who claim to be on their period will bleed to death…Pass this on to 20 people if u want your vals day to be a success” and some FOOLS (pardon my Spanish) FULL of FOOLISHNESS still deemed it fit to broadcast this FOOLISH message.

Smartphones should be taken out of the hands of dumb people…I think we should have IQ tests before some phones are sold to people…”err..sorry, u do not qualify to use a Blackberry, pls proceed to the 3310 stand and look through as you will definitely find something to interest you there!” (BTW, one of the most annoying broadcasters I have is a follower from Twitter, pls I thought Twitter would have refined u a bit, if u are reading this and ure wondering if its you, then it is!!! Quit it already with the broadcasts. I haven’t deleted you yet bcos im nice like that but there is a limit…) Later in the day, I strolled to Chicken Republic and I wasn’t disappointed, it was a sea of red: balloons, uniforms, customers, I took some pictures and then went to Mr Biggs, If I needed any confirmation that Mr Biggs is almost dead, I got it that day..it was almost empty! Came home and tweeted more, it rained heavily and I slept off.

So in conclusion, it has come and gone, life goes on..girls, note however that now that vals is over, u will get more advances as guys realize that the coast is clear especially if your birthday is nowhere in sight..and guys if u attempt to toast that girl now, be prepared to answer the question “where were u since?” Before she says YES, she will collect vals gift, xmas gift , New years gift and the gift for her mother’s 50 years birthday that u (obviously) did not attend 2 years ago! So I rejoice with all y’all who had a great. Memorable day and for those of you who totally failed d class, Turn to your neighbor and say “Fear Not!, u have only carried over the course, u have the opportunity to pass it next year”

Enjoy some of the scenery..thanks to @jemieyt and @misjuwa for the picture inputs

Haters and Gbagaun finders, u can like to microwave salad while waiting for Hell to freeze over, Till then though, try licking ur elbow while waiting for DaGrin's call or better still, save yourself the stress and just show love for once in your life: Kiss a naked wire, that might be the only naked thing u'll ever kiss #Okbye

PS: The search for the ONE comes to the finish line...