Wednesday, 20 April 2011
sorry again for any inconveniences
We (me, myself and i) await you there.
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
You know that feeling of wanting something so much that you become ecstatic when you get it? Well, that's not what this post is about.
This right here is about making choices between things you want so much and whether variety actually helps make the decision easier..ah well, I really don't know the idea behind this post, I can only say that its different from any I've written because I write this from a hard place where my emotions can only be poured out and expressed as words on your screen.
I don't even know how to put this codedly so you dear reader won't know I'm talking from personal experience but since I got u here, I must as well just blurt it all out, abi? Well here goes,
I'm a go-getter kind of guy because I normally get anything I set my heart or sights on. (The 'Secret' is one book/Movie that does work for me).. and so as the year started, like I said in a previous post, I didn't set any goals, I just decided to flow with d tide. As my birthday (in January) approached, I became engrossed with something that I really wanted. I wasn't clear as yet if this was a 'want' or a 'need' and so I decided to allow 'Time' work its magic.
Its a common saying in this part of the world that "Time waits for no man..or woman", I daresay I learnt this the hard way. While I was waiting for some conviction as to whether I should 'pursue' this want/need, I was totally oblivious of the fact that as long as an item is displayed in a 'showglass', every other person can see it and they also might have equal desire to get it! Heck! That's why its called a showglass innit?
Here I was on a window shopping spree, but now staring at the one thing that had totally captured my heart. It was/is beautiful, heavenly, I could hear the 'ave maria' just beholding its beauty. It called out to me "take me kelvin" and I longed to heed that call. I began scheming on how I was going to turn this desire to an acquisition, transfixed as though under a spell…my senses conspired in one great conspiracy. The general consensus was clear:"I just had to get this!" but…
"Focus creates Blindness"… "but the blind can't focus"-----kelvin
If you've ever window shopped, you'll agree with me that u're faced with several options and more than one can catch your eye. Blindness is not necessarily the lack of sight but rather the absence of vision. And when you're 'shopping', variety of choices often causes a di-vision (which of course is divided vision) There's always that 'first' option and the 'second' or 'next best thing'. I had seen the 'second' but was hell bent on getting the 'first'. Nothing else mattered, it was get it or die trying. Nevertheless though, the 'second' had registered as it always does in my subconscious. So, I successfully pooled my resources together and headed back to the shop after a week to give myself the best birthday present ever. I skipped happily all the way, already imagining how beautiful life was about to become. The sky looked bluer, the grass greener and not even the annoying bus conductor could wreck my historic day. I got to the shop, walked in briskly, head high, turned to look at the spot where my prized desire was and then I saw it : "SOLD OUT…OUT OF STOCK!"
"WTF!" (What's This For?) "WTH!" (What's This Here?) "SHIT!" (Shaking Head In errr…*insert any appropriate T word*)
"When the desirable isn't available…" "omo, na to relax sure pass o!"----kelvin
'Sold out!' 'Out of Stock?' how? When? Why? Have you ever seen those kids that were flogged and are 'crying', mouth open but no words or tears come out? Just a squeezed, contoured face? Yeah… that's how I felt..Did this deter me in my attempt to get my 'desire'? YES! It did..how can you even ask such a question? And then like clockwork, my brain did a quick refresh and switched like a Tv channel to that subconscious option..the 'second' and so I strolled home downtrodden and thinking of what might have been. I didn't like the emptiness so I decided to 'replace' it immediately…with the second.
Much as I tried, my 'love' for my 'first love' didn't diminish, rather the craving increased..i was like an addict devoid of his drugs, I pictured, imagined, thought of how life would be beautiful if only...I hung on, believing...but who was I deceiving? I made up my mind, My first love is gone...I should 'purchase' the second choice, I had 'counted the costs' and was about to go back to the shop when I had a discussion with my 'conscience'..I knew that 2nd can never be first...Long story short and months later, the desire for the first had even grown stronger...nothing else mattered! It was first or nothing! I was going to bid my time..and hope!
"Hope springs eternal"… "just don't stay hoping till eternity, that's a LONG thing"-----kelvin
So here as I write this, I write with mixed feelings because now the 'first' is 'available' and I definitely am not going to dull this time..I'm not exactly ecstatic but I'm deeply excited...waiting for something can either increase your desire or tire you out as a result of the wait duration. In my case though, this is a wait worth waiting…soon, hopefully I can tap myself on the back and say that "patience and persistence pays"
I really don't know why I'm writing this, it just came in the spur of the moment and what better place to pen it for posterity sake than here on blogville.
Rejoice with me guys, I'm happy I waited for the Slim PS3 rather than settle for the Xbox!
"Don't judge the beginning or content till you get to the end"----kelvin
*sidenote: Happy birthday tomorrow (April 6th) to Blogville's finest laide @exschoolnerd Olabode...
Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres
Friday, 1 April 2011
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Hey y'all, welcome again to what promises to be a 'worth it' 10minute read..yeah, let's get str8 2d point--------------> .
Ok, 2 of my fave bloggers did a post recently that inspired this.. @exschoolnerd wrote a letter to her unborn girl child view here http://exschoolnerd.net and @nobsdasluushkid did one for his unborn son...since I was out of options n didn't wanna be cliche, I'm hereby writing this letter to my wife-to-be..
At Home (which is benin for now but will definitely change to Abuja (1st choice), New Lagos (2nd choice)
Hey sweetness, hon, babe, darlin, how u doing this beautiful day..yes I shall refer to u as any of d above n more most often, names like mama ____ will not be allowed in our home. What u will call me is up 2u as long as its not papa ___ or 'tomato jos' or 'jollof rice' Anyway, I'm sure u'll be too posh for that! So how are u? I'm going to skip the initial list of my preferences (tall, short, black, yellow, busty, slim etc) and go straight 2d issues..u can come from any part of d country although I seem to tend 2wds my type (no offense)..ok sweets, I know u're waiting for me somewhere, don't worry, I'm doing all I can to ensure that I'm with u in no distant time (say 'X'yrs from now) in the meantime, I hope u are not following men o! I hope nobody is 'doing' u...see I'm 'keeping' myself for u so u berra be doing d same. If uve been 'doing' tins, then u shd stop IMMEDIATELY u finish this note! Ahn ahn! No wife of mine would have shared things with every Punk, Dick and Horny that pays for BIS for her or takes her to GoldenGate..so u berra stop o! Ehen!!
Ok love, I'm a sucker for beauty I mean, look at me-u shd be able to complement all of this (yes)..this means I appreciate u looking good like always! Even in d house, I don't care how many wrappers ur mum n family friends gave u, they shd remain IN THE BOX they came with. The only wrapping u shd tie around d house is d duvet..ehen! Bum shorts are totally welcome, just ensure that u don't wear it in d presence of visitors (I don't want them drooling on our persian rug). Then hairnets, baybee I have no problem with them, as long as they don't smell like a skunk curled up in there and died..and err, u don't need to wear em all d time we r home.I love running my hand thru ur hair..ehn? What? Its Brazilian?! Ehen?? So brazilians don't run their hands..what rubbish! Behave o! *exhales*..
Yeah, pls ensure u spice up your underwear collection, Victoria Secret is definitely in (I can't wait to 'reveal' d secret) don't buy Victor's secret o! Ehen. Granny things are OUT! G-strings, C-strings even No-strings are allowed! Just be Hawt! Hawt! Hawt!!!
Alright babes, u know how ladies say "men are liars and cheats?" Here's d deal: I WILL lie to u! Yes I will!! Relax, calm down first naw, lemme explain! Haba!! Ehen! U should be happy I'm giving u dis heads up before time sef..yes as I was saying! I will lie to u..whenever we have a function to attend, know that I will reduce d time by 2hrs so that we will get there on time still, taking into consideration how u ladies need about 2hrs to fix your face but still to avoid delay, I'll make sure you have your own car so you can meet up..Also B, pls know that on days when I'm tired or ure delaying, my 'default' answer to d question "how do I look?" Will be "fine"....and Yes, I will cheat you..I don't know how yet, but I'm working on something and it doesn't involve another woman...or man! Maybe eating from your chicken when u ain't looking or something like that!
Now let's talk cooking..they say d way to a man's heart is his stomach, well that doesn't apply to me sha. I don't see why u shd go thru d stress of passing d stomach 2d heart when u can just go thru d chest...Anyways, (u'l get that if ure smart..I'm sure u are)...so yeah, I'm not so much of a food freak but I love 'eating'. I will come 2d kitchen often, help u slice stuff here n there, watch u waltz around with nothing but the CD player on..hehe..and then we can have interval 'snacks' *winks* while we await d food..(Yes its our house n we can parry where we wanna)..does this make me a sex freak? My dear, do u buy a BB and leave it without BIS all thru d yrs? Hian!! See groove o! U think I've been torturing myself watching spartacus for nothing? U think I read Nackson and Better Lover those days just bcos I loved reading? We musto do utunnu, everywhere..living room, kitchen, library/study, terrace, bathroom, visitor's room...be prepared o! How did we leave d issue of food and enter sex sef? Ah well, its a common progression. I'm sure u will get used to it.
Alrighty then, to d issue of kids..err..well, its d 21st century so having kids like rabbits is so old fashioned, I'm thinking we do a maximum of 3, I'm just thinking sha, ehen! But during our first year of marriage, we aint gonna be 'doing' for kids o! Abeg, I don't want no baby sucking from the same milk factory yet, after one year she/he can join! I'm selfish? Oh yes! Leaf it like dat!!! Moving on cupcakes, this part is quite sensitive so we must tread with caution. It concerns the REMOTE! Yes that object used to control the TV...well, naturally its a male toy and we get the best from it when we hold it, it just makes the world more beautiful..whenever I'm with it, I'd appreciate if u just quietly come and cuddle beside me, play with my chest hairs and whisper sweet nothings into my ear..telling me to get the door or help u get sth at dat time is a No-No! If I'm watching footie, oh! That's like new year service, hard to miss...also babes, pls get some PS3 or Xbox experience cos we definitely are gonna have that in our home..imagine me thrashing u in FIFA or both of us teaming up in Call of Duty..mad stuff, and when we r victorious, we can have mad, steamy sex..*oh get a grip kelvin* anyway, u catch my drift yeah? In our home there shall be no 'do me, I do you' so don't expect me to sit n watch AfMagic with u..I can endure desperate Housewives and Cougar Town but jim Iyke n Tonto Dike? Hell NO!!! What kinda name is Tonto Dike sef? Take out 2 letters from d name and u have a whole new meaning...smh..
Oh! BTW, I'm a good repairman, I can change bulbs and fix in batteries, that's it! The fact that I studied engineering doesn't mean I can fix d TV or d generator or the blender/toaster...let's not be greedy, let d money go round.
Okay love, I've written a lot and I'm sure with these few points of mine, I've been able to paint a clear pic..let's not go into how we'll treat inlaws n stuff, joint accounts etc..we'll yarn that one during d honeymoon..and yeah, just incase ure one of d expectant 'wedding night action' ladies, errr...pls bear with me if I sleep off based on stress, heck! We've got our whole lives ahead of us...I love u already B, u can like to show up now in girlfriend form..emm..if ure in unilag now, there might be a problem, covenant uni is a plus but a graduating 'test' will have 2be done 2ensure that goods invested in are in perfect condition.
This letter is written with love and sealed with a kiss.
XXXXXXXXXXX <--------shebi this is kiss?
Ok peoples, the letter has been sent, not by NIPOST sha, so that she gets it on time..Meanwhile, allow me to welcome to Blogsville my *clears throat* darling @SlimSiren . You should please check out her stuff on http://slimsiren.blogspot.com She's one helluva writer and pls carry your brains along when reading her stuff, u know here we just drop 'em n read along but u're gonna need 'em there! Heehee
Its a wrap people, if this blog has inspired u to do great things and explore your hidden potentials to make this world a better place, pls share with your family and friends and help them tap their untapped strength, dormant ability...oh shut up kelvin! U're not THAT good!!!
*walks away, pen in mouth*
Friday, 25 March 2011
I had an enlightening convo wit a new 'friend' the oda day. It went diz way:
'I recoil when I'm lied to', I said to him and my new friend replied, 'I'm sure you don't have many friends'. And yes, how right he was/is. I don't have many friends but I have people that consider me their friends because I am the-go-to-person-when-you-need-an-advice-or-serious-talking, aka Shrink. And Yes, doctor/patient confidentiality is absolute with zero naira charge. And yes, I love being that friend.
I'm not writing this to tell you about my deplorable friendships and the commendable ones, nah!!! Let's just go on a cheap friendship bus ride. Seeing dat I seldom have friends, talkless of ones that care about me, I mean, 'come on Thelma, u r the strong smart one, u don't need care', I feel poorly equipped to maneuver this steep, sloppy, yet difficult terrain but endure my tirade, please? I have always been the giver and had always been contented wit that (a case of how do you miss what you've never had) until I fell sick the other day.
Incidentally, my two friends (Friend A and Friend B- classed according to their advent) learnt of my ill health thru the same source @ approximately the same time and of course, both threw their pity my way. Excellent!!! But the latter, (friend B) checked in,again and again and again - oh, have u seen a doc, what drugs did u buy, then he continually reminded me to take my meds morning and night till it finished. The former, well, the former forgot.
In friendship, we have d givers n d takers. When two givers befriend, it grows and sprouts in different directions and becomes a meaningful bond dat can be looked back upon in d future wit a glint in d eye, beautiful memories and smiling lips.
When a giver befriends a taker, the former cares, strives, suffocates, resuscitates, crumbles and the taker just nods like the proverbial proud Lizard that compliments itself after a jump...but how long can he really keep trying? And the friendship is lost in the never ending sea of maybe, if, wudda, shudda, cudda.
I know u may have an argument- oh yes, friendship is like a tree- it grows, blossoms, bears sweet, sour, beautiful, jaw slapping fruits, then it withers and dats d end- but, aint we forgetting d fruits? Cuz I love fruits - juicy, fleshy, high in vitamins which is vital and indispensable to our overall health- u get the picture?
The two friends mentioned earlier are both special but each with his unique idiosyncrasy and depth. Sometimes, we have so many friends and some just fall by d wayside. That's the natural- but - aided -by -u -progression, afterall, just one call could have cheated nature out of it.
But, what kind of a friend are you?
...That listens but don't hear,
hears but don't care,
takes and don't give.
When you cant give immaterial things , I just wonder about the material.
Be the oak your friends can rely on.
Be the voice of reason in despair.
Be the smile on a hellish day.
Be the gentle breeze that soothes.
The loving arm of strength who chides and encourages.
Be that friend and more.
Yes, Friendship is a long snake like road, but the knowledge that you'll meet me halfway hardens my resolve to persevere. Do not let it wilt away.
As I close this, permit me, in d indefatigable spirit of friendship to send warm tots yet again to @vivisleek who lost a dear friend that got me weeping incessantly and @KevinwitAnL whose Uncle passed away thankx to an unfriendly health sector. May their souls rest in perfect peace as they rest wit the lord.
This is dedicated to my BFF - Oludotun Olaoye @xxi_v and Queeneth Eyoita @Qblundie - How wonderful my life is, now that both of you are in it.
Aww...u see, I told u this was a great piece. Now I'm wondering what kinda friend I am. We've all gotta make adjustments somewhere to make things better. Don't be a stiffneck, be flexible...ok! Till d next post which promises to be totally mad, take care of yourself and each other...
Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres
Friday, 18 March 2011
A lot of water has gone under the bridge #NoTsunami..since my last personal post sometime in January ..its been a great, fast paced year and here we are almost done wth the month of March, before u know it, the year will roll up, that's if it doesn't on May 21st o...a lot of us are forming strong now, nuttin dey happen..try n picture May 20th..I can bet that many people will repent that day, say prayers, some will not tweet so that they won't ga'an yarn dust..Twitfight ke? Everybody will be on their best, some will change handles from sexybootay to IluvSaintpaul, Odinabarbie to OdearLord...I can't wait mehn. Naked avatars? How?! Agbada things or Cele gowns will reign...If ure among those who doesn't have a sense of humor, u might wanna get one cos the lighter u are, d more rapturable u are ok? Alright! Twitter guys will go first cos we get d news first so by d time d Trumpet 'flashes', we don move already..then those on facebook, 2go, MySpace, Hi5 then NTA...hehe!
During the the past days also, we all woke up to d Earthquake/Tsunami/Nuclear explosions in Japan..sad stuff...I hereby on behalf of u my reader send our condolences to them.. As d day passed, I wished all d Broadcasters on my BB were in japan, somebody will just sleep n wake up and snd me a DUMB b/cast abt how sept 11 (usa), Nov 11 (haiti) and Mar 11 (japan) have something in common so I shd repent. I know I look dumb sometimes but ahn ahn, on a scale of 1 to Mr Ibu, I'm still somewhr on Mr Bean's level…the one that is reigning now is lady gaga and illuminatti , who gives a flying rats' tail if na she be d antichrist sef? How does dis BC affect BIS price? cos d rate some people BC makes me believe their service providers have told 'em "d more u BC, d longer ur BIS lasts" ooooohhh!!!! Now I don't know what I was trying to say before I digressed, u people should always draw me back when I start going OP, it normally happens when…*sigh* here I go again…I shd just start a new paragraph…
Okies, so yeah, story of my life…at some point in January, I realized that my search for 'The One' had become a serious matter o! as in peeps on my BBm will ping, say hi, then d next question is "ehen! Have u found d one?" if I had like D'banj's money, I'd have organized a reality show "The search for the One", criteria for entry will be..1.Must be female 2.must be Twitter Savvy 3.Must be person in Twitter Avatar, 4.Must not appear in @GbagaunDetector's Favorites 5.Must be Christian,witty, smart etc…Pls o, I am not asking for applications..i said 'IF' o..ehen!! so, it was so serious that I received lots of resumes and Cv's on BBM , serzly..this one chic sent me her stats and pics to corroborate the stats *covering eyes*, the pics eh..well, people have liver sha..I'm sure most of YOU will die if peeps shd see d pics on ur fone..me I'm innocent sha, just DP's n wallpapers..no wande coal things! Yeah, bak 2d issue, some of u reading this now sef tried or are trying to hook me up with ur friends..*yes you* don't look away, u reading this from ur BB* I received lotsa group invitations but I declined all..groups like "singly mingling", "hottest hook-ups" haba!! Na so I desperate? So, to alleviate the situation, I decided to refocus my blog and do some storylike posts hence the change from online diary to just that!…I'm a smart guy ba? Haha..i know!!! It worked cos I didn't get any questions, offers or favours anymore.
The question for the 50 million naira is then *in Frank Edoho's voice* "have u found the ONE?" My response: *exhales* "well…" *frank interrupts* we will have his final answer in subsequent posts… *sigh…so guys don't blame me, blame frank..and yeah u'll know the answer someday, keep watching this space, I SHALL dedicate a whole post to her, then u will know...but..oh yeah, should I say this? Ah well ok...*in d late Nate Dogg's voice* "Hold up" I do have to report myself 2u guys: about a week ago, I broke a girls heart.yeah..*sigh* u see, I thot she was d ONE n she qualified on almost all counts, d chemistry was crazy and I had expressed my feelings and stuff, she was all that a guy could want BUT...(Here comes that line ladies hear often) "it wasn't her, it was me!" No seriously, I had even planned on how to go see her n stuff...I believe its better you end something before it starts than lead someone through something that's not going to last...so I ended it...hey! I know u're reading this now, I might be a jerk now but I'd have been a bigger jerk eventually...U're good peoples and err..I don't know what to say but.. I know ur ONE is also out there!
so moving on, wat else has happened? Oh yeah..Arsenal…*sigh* my heart bleeds everytime I think about arsenal, allow me to say here that I've been an arsenal fan since way back 1994 (seriously), oh! im sorry my female fans who don't like football, bear wt me a bit..tnx luvs..Anyway, last year I said 'if arsenal doesn't win a trophy this year, im done" im tired of defending d team wt the excuse of "we play good football" or "we are fine boys"..na that wan we go chop? We will be playing, ManU and Chelsea will be winning, WTF? Instead of Wenger to buy players, hes saving money..for what? A nose surgery? We lost 3 cups in 3 weeks, and then somebody will say "u cant lose wat u don't have" eez a lie o!! u can! Lets see how d season ends then I'll do a special post on Arsenal, kinda like a story and Arsenal's character will be a chic with no boobs #GoFigure…Ok, enough footie, lets not allieniate d females.
In Other other news, erm some of u may think that I live on Twitter or here in Blogville but I really do have a professional life and that involves Business Consulting…yes, im into facilitating biz trainings and stuff, Ha! U never woulda guessed huh? It comes easy, I love talking cos I have a voice worth listening to…#NoPstChris..so anyway, this past week, I was able to seal a deal. what makes this one epic is cos I normally do the trainings after d deals have been sealed. This was my first time of chasing and closing a deal, I presented to the whole Mgt team from branches around d country and this your humble guy 'WOWED' them, after my presentation, they all rose, gave me a standing ovation, a vote of thanks and even prayed for me..Ha! at that point all I could think of was "men! This is gonna be some good money!" Anyway, at d meeting with d chairman to discuss the cost, my budget was slashed more expertly than batussai in SamuraiX ..ibo men dey negotiate sha..when the guy brought out his big calculator, I knew I was finished! In all sha, its still a good deal for me…hehehe can I start singing 'boys don hammer?' not yet…more like boys don find d nail!
Some other money making outlets opened through Twitter also but im still going to keep that on the down low till all groundwork is done n stuff is finalized..again I say TWEETING PAYS...ok what else? Oh yes! Im in the process of entering for a 10 day writing workshop in lag to be hosted by renowned writer Chimamanda Adichie sometime in june (Thanks @tobiamoo and @MsJazzyfied for the hook up), we had to write an article of 200-800 words to be selected for it (selection hasn't been done yet, hola @ me if interested..entries close April27th)...as me I didn't have the strength to write anything new, I had to edit one of my old pieces from 1284 words to 798..(Thank God I have an Editor now) trust me, its easier to boil fried egg than to edit a masterpiece..by the way sha, im not really going there to learn #Lowkey, me i want to spend 10 days with one girl like this (details coming soon), I hope we both qualify to attend sha…buhaha!!!
Moving on, I really don't know in what direction we r moving but lets just move…yeah, we had a Tweep gathering in benin d other day, met cool guys @MrEndowednaija, @MoFame_ @sigarda @elceedutchess @eromzy @Okhai_Hov @rukaspumpin @mjhainee @iam_DjNiro and my pals from #TeamOzone @BragginRightz @jo_rox_anne and @eibeedee…Great fun…they said I was easy to spot (u see I AM my avatar), we had a nice time I must say...next time sha, we want more ladies around eh? and er u might wanna follow them on Twitter, lets increase d family…
Rounding up though, I must say that its been a great year so far, I've met wonderful people, I know I've hurt some , let me say here that I'm sorry, I've insulted some (#TeamYabaLeft), no hard feelings eh, just pick on someone your own size next time..MWAH!!, I've trashed some (FIFA things) such is life…but above all, I have loved, oh yes! The future is bright as long as NEPA stays away from it, ive stopped waiting to discover if d light at d end of d tunnel is light or an oncoming train, past experiences has taught me that it is most likely a train..i realize that after it has hit me! (Ha! Classic, lemme go tweet this BRB)…Yeah! so nowadays, I just move on to d next tunnel…now though, ive got a gen that lights up d whole tunnel, I can see clearly now and in the words of Naija's next best RnB crooner 'Funbi' : "its YOU I see" <----that was a sub
Yeah, so my Gbagaun people and those on Haterade, u made it all the way down here? I really shd appreciate u for the effort, but I'll do that when D'banj interviews GEJ..oh! that has happened already? *sigh* your bad…here's some advice from one genius to you: " " Yeah, u can't read that? Oh right..its only for the intellectual! *peace out*
Friday, 11 March 2011
Allow me to introduce our participants: we have Dr and Dame Umblerra, Mallam Broom and D General. Ok, we start of with the Dr…”A great day to u sir and we r honoured 2hv u In our midst wt your popular wife, can u in a nutshell tell us ur plans if u become president”
Dr Umblerra: Thank u young man, u see a nutshell cant contain my plans. U must understand that I am a child of fortune, even my name proves it, my mother christened me ‘goodluck’ and ever since, this name has been working for me..The bible says “Never give another man yawa, because who God has blessed, no man can curse’
Me: Errr…that’s 2face sir…
Dr Umblerra: exactly, I am blessed..i have plenty plans but it will not be wise to reveal them here so that my political enemies will not tiff them and start using it as their own. Infact, I am just coming from the copyright commission where I went to copyright the plans so nobody can use it.
Me: Sir, can this Umbrella cater for the totality of the citizens of this country?
Dame Umblerra: *interrupting* My fellow young man, I have said this thing in time of past, I haff ask this question in times of number “where are u going to press your hand?” it is Umblerra, from the top to the lower one, Umblerra throughout.. Dr Umblerra “interrupting* thank u dear wife, so u see young man, it is not a big umblerra, we don’t want a crowd-if u can buy a space for about 20million naira per head, no problem!
Me: Sir, 20 million!! Does this mean we are paying to enjoy our rights as citizens?
Dr Umblerra: Young man. What d elders see sitting down, u cannot see standing up sef..20 million is small o, do u know how much the flour and icing sugar costs to bake a national cake? Everybody wants a piece but they don’t want to contribute. Dame Umblerra *interrupting* I don’t understand this youthful man, me that is going to market, I know d price of things, if u didn’t have 20million, umblerra cantint cover you but make sure u press ya hand for umblerra!
Me: Ok sir and ma, lets move on to our next participant…Mallam Broom..ur plans sir?
Mallam Broom: yowa! First of all young man, are u shuwa ure not into yahoo, u look like those boys in café and that camry I saw u parking makes u more of a suspiect!
Me: yahoo?! No sir! Im only into Twitter
Mallam Broom: oh! Is that wat you feefle call it now eh? And all of u playing with BB abi?i shall be watching all of u..infact, I shall ban and arrest anyvody I see looking down and plessing fone..Anyway, my flans fo d country are summed up in the words a wise man once said “…for instance, say I be d baale of 9gerians, shey I go dey respect ur own stance,me I go prepare d scenery for better to plenty…Nothing I dey happen!”
Me: Sir, that’s 2face again…
Mallam Broom: Young man, I dey craze? Will I let me finish? i will sweep u away just now *dame interrupts* come under d umblerra my fellow youngman* u feefle think its easy to come back from exile and be president? I am a man of integrity, I am a corruption expert..corruption hears my name and bolts – usain! I haff come to sweep…
Me: so sir, ur plan is to sweep?
Mallam Broom: E wo ode yii sha? Abi won shekpe fun e nii (translates; ode! Abi dem swear 4 u?) What else do u use broom to do? Do u think I came here to pound ewedu? My plan is to sweep..#ThatIsALL
Me: Ok, moving on, we have our last participant here, D General…Sir, u have been trying to become president since the old millennium, don’t u think u should rest? Isn’t it clear that there is no hope?
D General: Young man, a wise man once said “I know say no be everybody sabi play ball, but Arise o’compatriots if Nigeria call…”
Me: *sigh* 2face again…
D General: Exactly! I know I cant play ball, I know I wont win this election but the song said we should Arise, 9ja has called…I have arisen…I shall continue to arise as long as I can rise *walahi, I dey rhyme sha*
Me: your choice of running mate is quite interesting, can you explain the criteria behind this move
D General: hahaha!! Actually, he’s not going to be VP, I put him there so that he can be praying and seeing vision. They say keep your enemies closest..My son lemme tell you my plans..unlike my fellow contestants, I have a plan..i want to provide good roads, housing, employment, food, electricity..
*dame interrupts..pless your hand for umblerra…we haff stayed for the Aso Rock since 2003 and NEPA haff not being take the light..that it is the power of Ebele my husband..my fellow readers, let us enjoying togerra..President-Umblerra, Governor-Umble…*
Me: sorry ma, its not your turn… Dr Umblerra: Are u telling my wife to shut up? Me: No sir..im just saying she should exercise patience…Dr Umblerra: Oh! So u’re callng her fat? Me: fat? No sir…its just an expression… Mallam Broom: you see why we are not moving forward? Simple English….D General: mallam sit down, whaddyu know about English? Mallam like u… Mallam Broom: see this cattle rearer calling me mallam..old cargo, I will sweep u away just now..#NoOperation…D General: you can’t fit…. Mallam Broom: YES I CAN! Dr Umblerra…u’re forming obama abi? After this election, u will start singing Oh na na..wats my name… Dame Umblerra: Yezz darris my song: oh na na whats my names? Its my gurl adanna that sanged it… Dr Umblerra: I thot Chi-gurl was your girl…Dame Umblerra: yes now, Chioma Chi-gurl is my fellow girl, no weisting…
Dear readers, I don’t think any conclusion can be drawn from this round square table meeting…I think what we need is a national debate where we can really hear their plans and strategy..till then, my personal opinion on this matter is to vote for the wisest man here present: 2FACE!! Afterall, they all quoted him, he has shown that he can take care of a nation by taking care of his numerous wives and kids, he will not be biased politically bcos he’s not even married sef…
Please as election day draws nearer, do the right thing, weigh your options and vote, no be by force sha cos serious shit can be catching u that day..no shit for body o…
God bless the Federal republic…
DISCLAIMER: The post u have just read does not represent the political views of the writer, infact, the writer has no political views because he is politically blind. This is a work of fiction and should be taken serious at your own risk..but if 2face decides to run sha, tell him I can be a good media man for him…#okbye… Haters, I shall attend to you when Chris Okotie and Sarah Jubril win an election.
*dodging chairs, and bullets from Dame the Damager*