Wednesday, 20 April 2011


PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Hey guys, due to issues of convenience and comfort, this blog has been moved to Sorry for all inconvenience. Content and quality is improved and commenting is made easier.
sorry again for any inconveniences
We (me, myself and i) await you there.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011


"Variety is the Spice of life"… "it can also easily lead to death"----kelvin

You know that feeling of wanting something so much that you become ecstatic when you get it? Well, that's not what this post is about.
This right here is about making choices between things you want so much and whether variety actually helps make the decision easier..ah well, I really don't know the idea behind this post, I can only say that its different from any I've written because I write this from a hard place where my emotions can only be poured out and expressed as words on your screen.
I don't even know how to put this codedly so you dear reader won't know I'm talking from personal experience but since I got u here, I must as well just blurt it all out, abi? Well here goes,

I'm a go-getter kind of guy because I normally get anything I set my heart or sights on. (The 'Secret' is one book/Movie that does work for me).. and so as the year started, like I said in a previous post, I didn't set any goals, I just decided to flow with d tide. As my birthday (in January) approached, I became engrossed with something that I really wanted. I wasn't clear as yet if this was a 'want' or a 'need' and so I decided to allow 'Time' work its magic.
Its a common saying in this part of the world that "Time waits for no man..or woman", I daresay I learnt this the hard way. While I was waiting for some conviction as to whether I should 'pursue' this want/need, I was totally oblivious of the fact that as long as an item is displayed in a 'showglass', every other person can see it and they also might have equal desire to get it! Heck! That's why its called a showglass innit?

Here I was on a window shopping spree, but now staring at the one thing that had totally captured my heart. It was/is beautiful, heavenly, I could hear the 'ave maria' just beholding its beauty. It called out to me "take me kelvin" and I longed to heed that call. I began scheming on how I was going to turn this desire to an acquisition, transfixed as though under a spell…my senses conspired in one great conspiracy. The general consensus was clear:"I just had to get this!" but…

"Focus creates Blindness"… "but the blind can't focus"-----kelvin

If you've ever window shopped, you'll agree with me that u're faced with several options and more than one can catch your eye. Blindness is not necessarily the lack of sight but rather the absence of vision. And when you're 'shopping', variety of choices often causes a di-vision (which of course is divided vision) There's always that 'first' option and the 'second' or 'next best thing'. I had seen the 'second' but was hell bent on getting the 'first'. Nothing else mattered, it was get it or die trying. Nevertheless though, the 'second' had registered as it always does in my subconscious. So, I successfully pooled my resources together and headed back to the shop after a week to give myself the best birthday present ever. I skipped happily all the way, already imagining how beautiful life was about to become. The sky looked bluer, the grass greener and not even the annoying bus conductor could wreck my historic day. I got to the shop, walked in briskly, head high, turned to look at the spot where my prized desire was and then I saw it : "SOLD OUT…OUT OF STOCK!"

"WTF!" (What's This For?) "WTH!" (What's This Here?) "SHIT!" (Shaking Head In errr…*insert any appropriate T word*)

"When the desirable isn't available…" "omo, na to relax sure pass o!"----kelvin

'Sold out!' 'Out of Stock?' how? When? Why? Have you ever seen those kids that were flogged and are 'crying', mouth open but no words or tears come out? Just a squeezed, contoured face? Yeah… that's how I felt..Did this deter me in my attempt to get my 'desire'? YES! It can you even ask such a question? And then like clockwork, my brain did a quick refresh and switched like a Tv channel to that subconscious option..the 'second' and so I strolled home downtrodden and thinking of what might have been. I didn't like the emptiness so I decided to 'replace' it immediately…with the second.
Much as I tried, my 'love' for my 'first love' didn't diminish, rather the craving increased..i was like an addict devoid of his drugs, I pictured, imagined, thought of how life would be beautiful if only...I hung on, believing...but who was I deceiving? I made up my mind, My first love is gone...I should 'purchase' the second choice, I had 'counted the costs' and was about to go back to the shop when I had a discussion with my 'conscience'..I knew that 2nd can never be first...Long story short and months later, the desire for the first had even grown stronger...nothing else mattered! It was first or nothing! I was going to bid my time..and hope!

"Hope springs eternal"… "just don't stay hoping till eternity, that's a LONG thing"-----kelvin

So here as I write this, I write with mixed feelings because now the 'first' is 'available' and I definitely am not going to dull this time..I'm not exactly ecstatic but I'm deeply excited...waiting for something can either increase your desire or tire you out as a result of the wait duration. In my case though, this is a wait worth waiting…soon, hopefully I can tap myself on the back and say that "patience and persistence pays"

I really don't know why I'm writing this, it just came in the spur of the moment and what better place to pen it for posterity sake than here on blogville.

Rejoice with me guys, I'm happy I waited for the Slim PS3 rather than settle for the Xbox!

"Don't judge the beginning or content till you get to the end"----kelvin

*sidenote: Happy birthday tomorrow (April 6th) to Blogville's finest laide @exschoolnerd Olabode...

Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

Friday, 1 April 2011

Her Reply

*Yup..No Post..Run along...U've been fooled* #keepItLowkey..Do share d link...buhahaha
Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Letter To Her

*silence* door cringes, its 5am in d morning, huddled on a chair neckdeep in scribbling is this author...and then...a phone rings " any TerryG chant here* aaaarrrgh!!! There goes my epic intro...darn!!!

Hey y'all, welcome again to what promises to be a 'worth it' 10minute read..yeah, let's get str8 2d point--------------> .
Ok, 2 of my fave bloggers did a post recently that inspired this.. @exschoolnerd wrote a letter to her unborn girl child view here and @nobsdasluushkid did one for his unborn son...since I was out of options n didn't wanna be cliche, I'm hereby writing this letter to my wife-to-be..

At Home (which is benin for now but will definitely change to Abuja (1st choice), New Lagos (2nd choice)

Hey sweetness, hon, babe, darlin, how u doing this beautiful day..yes I shall refer to u as any of d above n more most often, names like mama ____ will not be allowed in our home. What u will call me is up 2u as long as its not papa ___ or 'tomato jos' or 'jollof rice' Anyway, I'm sure u'll be too posh for that! So how are u? I'm going to skip the initial list of my preferences (tall, short, black, yellow, busty, slim etc) and go straight 2d issues..u can come from any part of d country although I seem to tend 2wds my type (no offense)..ok sweets, I know u're waiting for me somewhere, don't worry, I'm doing all I can to ensure that I'm with u in no distant time (say 'X'yrs from now) in the meantime, I hope u are not following men o! I hope nobody is 'doing' u...see I'm 'keeping' myself for u so u berra be doing d same. If uve been 'doing' tins, then u shd stop IMMEDIATELY u finish this note! Ahn ahn! No wife of mine would have shared things with every Punk, Dick and Horny that pays for BIS for her or takes her to u berra stop o! Ehen!!
Ok love, I'm a sucker for beauty I mean, look at me-u shd be able to complement all of this (yes)..this means I appreciate u looking good like always! Even in d house, I don't care how many wrappers ur mum n family friends gave u, they shd remain IN THE BOX they came with. The only wrapping u shd tie around d house is d duvet..ehen! Bum shorts are totally welcome, just ensure that u don't wear it in d presence of visitors (I don't want them drooling on our persian rug). Then hairnets, baybee I have no problem with them, as long as they don't smell like a skunk curled up in there and died..and err, u don't need to wear em all d time we r home.I love running my hand thru ur hair..ehn? What? Its Brazilian?! Ehen?? So brazilians don't run their hands..what rubbish! Behave o! *exhales*..
Yeah, pls ensure u spice up your underwear collection, Victoria Secret is definitely in (I can't wait to 'reveal' d secret) don't buy Victor's secret o! Ehen. Granny things are OUT! G-strings, C-strings even No-strings are allowed! Just be Hawt! Hawt! Hawt!!!
Alright babes, u know how ladies say "men are liars and cheats?" Here's d deal: I WILL lie to u! Yes I will!! Relax, calm down first naw, lemme explain! Haba!! Ehen! U should be happy I'm giving u dis heads up before time sef..yes as I was saying! I will lie to u..whenever we have a function to attend, know that I will reduce d time by 2hrs so that we will get there on time still, taking into consideration how u ladies need about 2hrs to fix your face but still to avoid delay, I'll make sure you have your own car so you can meet up..Also B, pls know that on days when I'm tired or ure delaying, my 'default' answer to d question "how do I look?" Will be "fine"....and Yes, I will cheat you..I don't know how yet, but I'm working on something and it doesn't involve another woman...or man! Maybe eating from your chicken when u ain't looking or something like that!
Now let's talk cooking..they say d way to a man's heart is his stomach, well that doesn't apply to me sha. I don't see why u shd go thru d stress of passing d stomach 2d heart when u can just go thru d chest...Anyways, (u'l get that if ure smart..I'm sure u are) yeah, I'm not so much of a food freak but I love 'eating'. I will come 2d kitchen often, help u slice stuff here n there, watch u waltz around with nothing but the CD player on..hehe..and then we can have interval 'snacks' *winks* while we await d food..(Yes its our house n we can parry where we wanna)..does this make me a sex freak? My dear, do u buy a BB and leave it without BIS all thru d yrs? Hian!! See groove o! U think I've been torturing myself watching spartacus for nothing? U think I read Nackson and Better Lover those days just bcos I loved reading? We musto do utunnu, room, kitchen, library/study, terrace, bathroom, visitor's prepared o! How did we leave d issue of food and enter sex sef? Ah well, its a common progression. I'm sure u will get used to it.
Alrighty then, to d issue of kids..err..well, its d 21st century so having kids like rabbits is so old fashioned, I'm thinking we do a maximum of 3, I'm just thinking sha, ehen! But during our first year of marriage, we aint gonna be 'doing' for kids o! Abeg, I don't want no baby sucking from the same milk factory yet, after one year she/he can join! I'm selfish? Oh yes! Leaf it like dat!!! Moving on cupcakes, this part is quite sensitive so we must tread with caution. It concerns the REMOTE! Yes that object used to control the TV...well, naturally its a male toy and we get the best from it when we hold it, it just makes the world more beautiful..whenever I'm with it, I'd appreciate if u just quietly come and cuddle beside me, play with my chest hairs and whisper sweet nothings into my ear..telling me to get the door or help u get sth at dat time is a No-No! If I'm watching footie, oh! That's like new year service, hard to miss...also babes, pls get some PS3 or Xbox experience cos we definitely are gonna have that in our home..imagine me thrashing u in FIFA or both of us teaming up in Call of Duty..mad stuff, and when we r victorious, we can have mad, steamy sex..*oh get a grip kelvin* anyway, u catch my drift yeah? In our home there shall be no 'do me, I do you' so don't expect me to sit n watch AfMagic with u..I can endure desperate Housewives and Cougar Town but jim Iyke n Tonto Dike? Hell NO!!! What kinda name is Tonto Dike sef? Take out 2 letters from d name and u have a whole new meaning...smh..
Oh! BTW, I'm a good repairman, I can change bulbs and fix in batteries, that's it! The fact that I studied engineering doesn't mean I can fix d TV or d generator or the blender/toaster...let's not be greedy, let d money go round.
Okay love, I've written a lot and I'm sure with these few points of mine, I've been able to paint a clear pic..let's not go into how we'll treat inlaws n stuff, joint accounts etc..we'll yarn that one during d honeymoon..and yeah, just incase ure one of d expectant 'wedding night action' ladies, errr...pls bear with me if I sleep off based on stress, heck! We've got our whole lives ahead of us...I love u already B, u can like to show up now in girlfriend form..emm..if ure in unilag now, there might be a problem, covenant uni is a plus but a graduating 'test' will have 2be done 2ensure that goods invested in are in perfect condition.

This letter is written with love and sealed with a kiss.
XXXXXXXXXXX <--------shebi this is kiss?

Ok peoples, the letter has been sent, not by NIPOST sha, so that she gets it on time..Meanwhile, allow me to welcome to Blogsville my *clears throat* darling @SlimSiren . You should please check out her stuff on She's one helluva writer and pls carry your brains along when reading her stuff, u know here we just drop 'em n read along but u're gonna need 'em there! Heehee

Its a wrap people, if this blog has inspired u to do great things and explore your hidden potentials to make this world a better place, pls share with your family and friends and help them tap their untapped strength, dormant ability...oh shut up kelvin! U're not THAT good!!!

*walks away, pen in mouth*

Friday, 25 March 2011

Fruits and Friends...

Yes o! My people...nuttin dey happen! *kelvin! Behave, be posh!!!...ok sorry..hey people, I got this beautiful piece from a dear friend of mine and I feel its something I should share with y'all..I couldn't have thought this up myself so I'm not even gonna try take the credit (but then again, I use etisalat o if ure led)..its a piece on friendship done by @ThelmaTweets ...enjoy

I had an enlightening convo wit a new 'friend' the oda day. It went diz way:
'I recoil when I'm lied to', I said to him and my new friend replied, 'I'm sure you don't have many friends'. And yes, how right he was/is. I don't have many friends but I have people that consider me their friends because I am the-go-to-person-when-you-need-an-advice-or-serious-talking, aka Shrink. And Yes, doctor/patient confidentiality is absolute with zero naira charge. And yes, I love being that friend.
I'm not writing this to tell you about my deplorable friendships and the commendable ones, nah!!! Let's just go on a cheap friendship bus ride. Seeing dat I seldom have friends, talkless of ones that care about me, I mean, 'come on Thelma, u r the strong smart one, u don't need care', I feel poorly equipped to maneuver this steep, sloppy, yet difficult terrain but endure my tirade, please? I have always been the giver and had always been contented wit that (a case of how do you miss what you've never had) until I fell sick the other day.
Incidentally, my two friends (Friend A and Friend B- classed according to their advent) learnt of my ill health thru the same source @ approximately the same time and of course, both threw their pity my way. Excellent!!! But the latter, (friend B) checked in,again and again and again - oh, have u seen a doc, what drugs did u buy, then he continually reminded me to take my meds morning and night till it finished. The former, well, the former forgot.
In friendship, we have d givers n d takers. When two givers befriend, it grows and sprouts in different directions and becomes a meaningful bond dat can be looked back upon in d future wit a glint in d eye, beautiful memories and smiling lips.
When a giver befriends a taker, the former cares, strives, suffocates, resuscitates, crumbles and the taker just nods like the proverbial proud Lizard that compliments itself after a jump...but how long can he really keep trying? And the friendship is lost in the never ending sea of maybe, if, wudda, shudda, cudda.
I know u may have an argument- oh yes, friendship is like a tree- it grows, blossoms, bears sweet, sour, beautiful, jaw slapping fruits, then it withers and dats d end- but, aint we forgetting d fruits? Cuz I love fruits - juicy, fleshy, high in vitamins which is vital and indispensable to our overall health- u get the picture?
The two friends mentioned earlier are both special but each with his unique idiosyncrasy and depth. Sometimes, we have so many friends and some just fall by d wayside. That's the natural- but - aided -by -u -progression, afterall, just one call could have cheated nature out of it.
But, what kind of a friend are you?
...That listens but don't hear,
hears but don't care,
takes and don't give.
When you cant give immaterial things , I just wonder about the material.

Be the oak your friends can rely on.
Be the voice of reason in despair.
Be the smile on a hellish day.
Be the gentle breeze that soothes.
The loving arm of strength who chides and encourages.
Be that friend and more.
Yes, Friendship is a long snake like road, but the knowledge that you'll meet me halfway hardens my resolve to persevere. Do not let it wilt away.

As I close this, permit me, in d indefatigable spirit of friendship to send warm tots yet again to @vivisleek who lost a dear friend that got me weeping incessantly and @KevinwitAnL whose Uncle passed away thankx to an unfriendly health sector. May their souls rest in perfect peace as they rest wit the lord.
This is dedicated to my BFF - Oludotun Olaoye @xxi_v and Queeneth Eyoita @Qblundie - How wonderful my life is, now that both of you are in it.


Aww...u see, I told u this was a great piece. Now I'm wondering what kinda friend I am. We've all gotta make adjustments somewhere to make things better. Don't be a stiffneck, be flexible...ok! Till d next post which promises to be totally mad, take care of yourself and each other...

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Friday, 18 March 2011


Hey Guys, Ok it's been quite a while I actually wrote anything about myself and the happenings in my life. So this post is going to be a revert to the good ol' days. Don't be acting as if u don't care, my life is more fun than most nollywood movies and I as the star actor am more talented than your cranky heroes on Tv..hate me if u like, it don't change the cost of rat poison…so err…yimu, yari, yodi and d rest, if u don't know d meaning of the last 2, ask any Tawaklitu near you…lets see, where do we start? Ok, we'll start from where we stopped (wherever that is..)

A lot of water has gone under the bridge #NoTsunami..since my last personal post sometime in January ..its been a great, fast paced year and here we are almost done wth the month of March, before u know it, the year will roll up, that's if it doesn't on May 21st o...a lot of us are forming strong now, nuttin dey happen..try n picture May 20th..I can bet that many people will repent that day, say prayers, some will not tweet so that they won't ga'an yarn dust..Twitfight ke? Everybody will be on their best, some will change handles from sexybootay to IluvSaintpaul, Odinabarbie to OdearLord...I can't wait mehn. Naked avatars? How?! Agbada things or Cele gowns will reign...If ure among those who doesn't have a sense of humor, u might wanna get one cos the lighter u are, d more rapturable u are ok? Alright! Twitter guys will go first cos we get d news first so by d time d Trumpet 'flashes', we don move already..then those on facebook, 2go, MySpace, Hi5 then NTA...hehe!

During the the past days also, we all woke up to d Earthquake/Tsunami/Nuclear explosions in Japan..sad stuff...I hereby on behalf of u my reader send our condolences to them.. As d day passed, I wished all d Broadcasters on my BB were in japan, somebody will just sleep n wake up and snd me a DUMB b/cast abt how sept 11 (usa), Nov 11 (haiti) and Mar 11 (japan) have something in common so I shd repent. I know I look dumb sometimes but ahn ahn, on a scale of 1 to Mr Ibu, I'm still somewhr on Mr Bean's level…the one that is reigning now is lady gaga and illuminatti , who gives a flying rats' tail if na she be d antichrist sef? How does dis BC affect BIS price? cos d rate some people BC makes me believe their service providers have told 'em "d more u BC, d longer ur BIS lasts" ooooohhh!!!! Now I don't know what I was trying to say before I digressed, u people should always draw me back when I start going OP, it normally happens when…*sigh* here I go again…I shd just start a new paragraph…

Okies, so yeah, story of my life…at some point in January, I realized that my search for 'The One' had become a serious matter o! as in peeps on my BBm will ping, say hi, then d next question is "ehen! Have u found d one?" if I had like D'banj's money, I'd have organized a reality show "The search for the One", criteria for entry will be..1.Must be female 2.must be Twitter Savvy 3.Must be person in Twitter Avatar, 4.Must not appear in @GbagaunDetector's Favorites 5.Must be Christian,witty, smart etc…Pls o, I am not asking for applications..i said 'IF' o..ehen!! so, it was so serious that I received lots of resumes and Cv's on BBM , serzly..this one chic sent me her stats and pics to corroborate the stats *covering eyes*, the pics eh..well, people have liver sha..I'm sure most of YOU will die if peeps shd see d pics on ur I'm innocent sha, just DP's n wande coal things! Yeah, bak 2d issue, some of u reading this now sef tried or are trying to hook me up with ur friends..*yes you* don't look away, u reading this from ur BB* I received lotsa group invitations but I declined all..groups like "singly mingling", "hottest hook-ups" haba!! Na so I desperate? So, to alleviate the situation, I decided to refocus my blog and do some storylike posts hence the change from online diary to just that!…I'm a smart guy ba? Haha..i know!!! It worked cos I didn't get any questions, offers or favours anymore.

The question for the 50 million naira is then *in Frank Edoho's voice* "have u found the ONE?" My response: *exhales* "well…" *frank interrupts* we will have his final answer in subsequent posts… *sigh…so guys don't blame me, blame frank..and yeah u'll know the answer someday, keep watching this space, I SHALL dedicate a whole post to her, then u will know...but..oh yeah, should I say this? Ah well ok...*in d late Nate Dogg's voice* "Hold up" I do have to report myself 2u guys: about a week ago, I broke a girls heart.yeah..*sigh* u see, I thot she was d ONE n she qualified on almost all counts, d chemistry was crazy and I had expressed my feelings and stuff, she was all that a guy could want BUT...(Here comes that line ladies hear often) "it wasn't her, it was me!" No seriously, I had even planned on how to go see her n stuff...I believe its better you end something before it starts than lead someone through something that's not going to I ended it...hey! I know u're reading this now, I might be a jerk now but I'd have been a bigger jerk eventually...U're good peoples and err..I don't know what to say but.. I know ur ONE is also out there!
so moving on, wat else has happened? Oh yeah..Arsenal…*sigh* my heart bleeds everytime I think about arsenal, allow me to say here that I've been an arsenal fan since way back 1994 (seriously), oh! im sorry my female fans who don't like football, bear wt me a bit..tnx luvs..Anyway, last year I said 'if arsenal doesn't win a trophy this year, im done" im tired of defending d team wt the excuse of "we play good football" or "we are fine boys" that wan we go chop? We will be playing, ManU and Chelsea will be winning, WTF? Instead of Wenger to buy players, hes saving money..for what? A nose surgery? We lost 3 cups in 3 weeks, and then somebody will say "u cant lose wat u don't have" eez a lie o!! u can! Lets see how d season ends then I'll do a special post on Arsenal, kinda like a story and Arsenal's character will be a chic with no boobs #GoFigure…Ok, enough footie, lets not allieniate d females.

In Other other news, erm some of u may think that I live on Twitter or here in Blogville but I really do have a professional life and that involves Business Consulting…yes, im into facilitating biz trainings and stuff, Ha! U never woulda guessed huh? It comes easy, I love talking cos I have a voice worth listening to… anyway, this past week, I was able to seal a deal. what makes this one epic is cos I normally do the trainings after d deals have been sealed. This was my first time of chasing and closing a deal, I presented to the whole Mgt team from branches around d country and this your humble guy 'WOWED' them, after my presentation, they all rose, gave me a standing ovation, a vote of thanks and even prayed for me..Ha! at that point all I could think of was "men! This is gonna be some good money!" Anyway, at d meeting with d chairman to discuss the cost, my budget was slashed more expertly than batussai in SamuraiX ..ibo men dey negotiate sha..when the guy brought out his big calculator, I knew I was finished! In all sha, its still a good deal for me…hehehe can I start singing 'boys don hammer?' not yet…more like boys don find d nail!

Some other money making outlets opened through Twitter also but im still going to keep that on the down low till all groundwork is done n stuff is finalized..again I say TWEETING PAYS...ok what else? Oh yes! Im in the process of entering for a 10 day writing workshop in lag to be hosted by renowned writer Chimamanda Adichie sometime in june (Thanks @tobiamoo and @MsJazzyfied for the hook up), we had to write an article of 200-800 words to be selected for it (selection hasn't been done yet, hola @ me if interested..entries close April27th) me I didn't have the strength to write anything new, I had to edit one of my old pieces from 1284 words to 798..(Thank God I have an Editor now) trust me, its easier to boil fried egg than to edit a the way sha, im not really going there to learn #Lowkey, me i want to spend 10 days with one girl like this (details coming soon), I hope we both qualify to attend sha…buhaha!!!

Moving on, I really don't know in what direction we r moving but lets just move…yeah, we had a Tweep gathering in benin d other day, met cool guys @MrEndowednaija, @MoFame_ @sigarda @elceedutchess @eromzy @Okhai_Hov @rukaspumpin @mjhainee @iam_DjNiro and my pals from #TeamOzone @BragginRightz @jo_rox_anne and @eibeedee…Great fun…they said I was easy to spot (u see I AM my avatar), we had a nice time I must time sha, we want more ladies around eh? and er u might wanna follow them on Twitter, lets increase d family…

Rounding up though, I must say that its been a great year so far, I've met wonderful people, I know I've hurt some , let me say here that I'm sorry, I've insulted some (#TeamYabaLeft), no hard feelings eh, just pick on someone your own size next time..MWAH!!, I've trashed some (FIFA things) such is life…but above all, I have loved, oh yes! The future is bright as long as NEPA stays away from it, ive stopped waiting to discover if d light at d end of d tunnel is light or an oncoming train, past experiences has taught me that it is most likely a train..i realize that after it has hit me! (Ha! Classic, lemme go tweet this BRB)…Yeah! so nowadays, I just move on to d next tunnel…now though, ive got a gen that lights up d whole tunnel, I can see clearly now and in the words of Naija's next best RnB crooner 'Funbi' : "its YOU I see" <----that was a sub

Yeah, so my Gbagaun people and those on Haterade, u made it all the way down here? I really shd appreciate u for the effort, but I'll do that when D'banj interviews GEJ..oh! that has happened already? *sigh* your bad…here's some advice from one genius to you: " " Yeah, u can't read that? Oh right..its only for the intellectual! *peace out*

Friday, 11 March 2011

Which Way?

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to this first ever round table discussion, the table is square though cos we couldn’t get the carpenter to make a round one on time..Today, we are privileged to have in our midst 3 able bodied men and a woman who are vying for the soon-to-be vacant post of president of this country. They are here to briefly outline to us their plans and strategies for the devt of this country..I shall be your host on this trip, my name is @KevinWithAnL.

Allow me to introduce our participants: we have Dr and Dame Umblerra, Mallam Broom and D General. Ok, we start of with the Dr…”A great day to u sir and we r honoured 2hv u In our midst wt your popular wife, can u in a nutshell tell us ur plans if u become president”

Dr Umblerra: Thank u young man, u see a nutshell cant contain my plans. U must understand that I am a child of fortune, even my name proves it, my mother christened me ‘goodluck’ and ever since, this name has been working for me..The bible says “Never give another man yawa, because who God has blessed, no man can curse’
Me: Errr…that’s 2face sir…
Dr Umblerra: exactly, I am blessed..i have plenty plans but it will not be wise to reveal them here so that my political enemies will not tiff them and start using it as their own. Infact, I am just coming from the copyright commission where I went to copyright the plans so nobody can use it.
Me: Sir, can this Umbrella cater for the totality of the citizens of this country?
Dame Umblerra: *interrupting* My fellow young man, I have said this thing in time of past, I haff ask this question in times of number “where are u going to press your hand?” it is Umblerra, from the top to the lower one, Umblerra throughout.. Dr Umblerra “interrupting* thank u dear wife, so u see young man, it is not a big umblerra, we don’t want a crowd-if u can buy a space for about 20million naira per head, no problem!
Me: Sir, 20 million!! Does this mean we are paying to enjoy our rights as citizens?
Dr Umblerra: Young man. What d elders see sitting down, u cannot see standing up sef..20 million is small o, do u know how much the flour and icing sugar costs to bake a national cake? Everybody wants a piece but they don’t want to contribute. Dame Umblerra *interrupting* I don’t understand this youthful man, me that is going to market, I know d price of things, if u didn’t have 20million, umblerra cantint cover you but make sure u press ya hand for umblerra!
Me: Ok sir and ma, lets move on to our next participant…Mallam Broom..ur plans sir?

Mallam Broom: yowa! First of all young man, are u shuwa ure not into yahoo, u look like those boys in café and that camry I saw u parking makes u more of a suspiect!
Me: yahoo?! No sir! Im only into Twitter
Mallam Broom: oh! Is that wat you feefle call it now eh? And all of u playing with BB abi?i shall be watching all of u..infact, I shall ban and arrest anyvody I see looking down and plessing fone..Anyway, my flans fo d country are summed up in the words a wise man once said “…for instance, say I be d baale of 9gerians, shey I go dey respect ur own stance,me I go prepare d scenery for better to plenty…Nothing I dey happen!”
Me: Sir, that’s 2face again…
Mallam Broom: Young man, I dey craze? Will I let me finish? i will sweep u away just now *dame interrupts* come under d umblerra my fellow youngman* u feefle think its easy to come back from exile and be president? I am a man of integrity, I am a corruption expert..corruption hears my name and bolts – usain! I haff come to sweep…
Me: so sir, ur plan is to sweep?
Mallam Broom: E wo ode yii sha? Abi won shekpe fun e nii (translates; ode! Abi dem swear 4 u?) What else do u use broom to do? Do u think I came here to pound ewedu? My plan is to sweep..#ThatIsALL

Me: Ok, moving on, we have our last participant here, D General…Sir, u have been trying to become president since the old millennium, don’t u think u should rest? Isn’t it clear that there is no hope?

D General: Young man, a wise man once said “I know say no be everybody sabi play ball, but Arise o’compatriots if Nigeria call…”
Me: *sigh* 2face again…
D General: Exactly! I know I cant play ball, I know I wont win this election but the song said we should Arise, 9ja has called…I have arisen…I shall continue to arise as long as I can rise *walahi, I dey rhyme sha*
Me: your choice of running mate is quite interesting, can you explain the criteria behind this move
D General: hahaha!! Actually, he’s not going to be VP, I put him there so that he can be praying and seeing vision. They say keep your enemies closest..My son lemme tell you my plans..unlike my fellow contestants, I have a plan..i want to provide good roads, housing, employment, food, electricity..

*dame interrupts..pless your hand for umblerra…we haff stayed for the Aso Rock since 2003 and NEPA haff not being take the light..that it is the power of Ebele my fellow readers, let us enjoying togerra..President-Umblerra, Governor-Umble…*

Me: sorry ma, its not your turn… Dr Umblerra: Are u telling my wife to shut up? Me: No just saying she should exercise patience…Dr Umblerra: Oh! So u’re callng her fat? Me: fat? No sir…its just an expression… Mallam Broom: you see why we are not moving forward? Simple English….D General: mallam sit down, whaddyu know about English? Mallam like u… Mallam Broom: see this cattle rearer calling me mallam..old cargo, I will sweep u away just now..#NoOperation…D General: you can’t fit…. Mallam Broom: YES I CAN! Dr Umblerra…u’re forming obama abi? After this election, u will start singing Oh na na..wats my name… Dame Umblerra: Yezz darris my song: oh na na whats my names? Its my gurl adanna that sanged it… Dr Umblerra: I thot Chi-gurl was your girl…Dame Umblerra: yes now, Chioma Chi-gurl is my fellow girl, no weisting…

*banter continues*

Dear readers, I don’t think any conclusion can be drawn from this round square table meeting…I think what we need is a national debate where we can really hear their plans and strategy..till then, my personal opinion on this matter is to vote for the wisest man here present: 2FACE!! Afterall, they all quoted him, he has shown that he can take care of a nation by taking care of his numerous wives and kids, he will not be biased politically bcos he’s not even married sef…
Please as election day draws nearer, do the right thing, weigh your options and vote, no be by force sha cos serious shit can be catching u that shit for body o…

God bless the Federal republic…

DISCLAIMER: The post u have just read does not represent the political views of the writer, infact, the writer has no political views because he is politically blind. This is a work of fiction and should be taken serious at your own risk..but if 2face decides to run sha, tell him I can be a good media man for him…#okbye… Haters, I shall attend to you when Chris Okotie and Sarah Jubril win an election.

*dodging chairs, and bullets from Dame the Damager*

Thursday, 3 March 2011

In My Head

This is going to be a short post...

I promise, this Shall be a short post...did i hear u say 'get on it with already!" My friend, is it your blog? it? Free me abegi...i almost stopped at that line..imagine coming here to read "This is going to be a short post! i should try that sometime!"

Its always a great feeling I feel when I successfully put fingers to keyboard/keypad and churn out another post. Its like the feeling YOU get after you release the demon poo that had held you bound on the way from the office, in the bus, through the know that feeling of lightness and UberRelief that only toilets can bring…great stuff I tell ya! So, we are gathered here today to view what promises to be a ‘test read’..Yes! a test read! I have received lots of comments on how deranged I am, crazy , insane and all that nice stuff-im deeply grateful…I think my Twitter bio does justice to that, However, this piece is rated INSANE…if u can successfully read and understand the dialogue in this piece then u my friend can pat yourself on the back and take a seat on the invisible insane anonymous chair over there!! I don’t belong to #TeamYaba anything cos I think my craze senior their own…let this be the test of yours..Read and try to understand.

Goodday Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard this KWAL flight 419 from where you are to where I’m taking you. my name is @KevinWithAnL and I shall be your captain on this flight..our destination is Brain: Left side, Your hosts awaiting your arrival are Me, Myself and I…please ensure that your seatbelts are tightly fastened once the seatbelt sign comes up, there are no emergency exits on this flight so sit still and enjoy the ride. We shall be cruising at heights of ecstasy so feel free to orgasm at anytime..Thank you for choosing KWAL..where we don’t really care about safety but satisfaction!

*on arrival at Left side: Brain*

‘I’: Hi! Welcome to the Brain: Left side..As you must have discovered from his bio and tweets, this is where all the rubbish and insanity that @kevinwithanl feeds you with comes from. We like to call it ‘Headquarters’. We shall attempt to help you understand how he ticks..of course you should know that there are voices in his head that govern his actions…u didn’t know that? Oh my! Ah well, ‘I’ am just one of them. I shall allow ‘ME’ to introduce the occupant of Headquarters.

‘ME’: Yes like ‘I’ said, welcome to headqtrs, there are 3 major occupants here: me (that’s me of course *giggles*), Myself and I (who spoke earlier). Oh! Please make yourself comfortable, let me go and find Myself. ‘I’ will continue till myself and me return…

‘I’: Alright, while we await me and myself to return, lets talk about I for a bit (yeah, I’m rastafari like that)…I’m the sole male occupant here in headqtrs, I’m like the head of this Trinity, everyone does what I say, they eat what I like, write what I think, fart when I say so…i mean, I’m just too much. I don’t try to be me or myself, I’m just I (jah rasta!!)..but here’s a little secret, I’m kinda in a fix cos *whispering* I love Me…and I also love Myself..Shhh…don’t ever let ‘em hear it!

‘ME’: Back!!! And I’ve found Myself too..

‘I’: oh! There you are, where were you?
‘MYSELF’: Ah well *sigh* just being myself really…wandering around..
‘I’: Ok, fair enough, we have this visitor who wants to meet us all, I was just telling ‘em how I run things here…
‘MYSELF’: You run things? That ain’t true, you cant do that without ‘Me’!
‘ME’: Exactly! You need Me to make things work!
‘I’: says who?!
‘MYSELF’: says ‘Me’ duhhh….
‘I’: Are you supporting her?
‘MYSELF’: I’m not supporting…as usual, I’m all by myself, I’m just saying…
‘I’: Do you have a problem with I and I ?
‘ME’: Abeg don’t start that Rasta accent with me jare…
‘MYSELF’: ‘I’ , don’t mess with ‘Me’…
‘I’: and whose side are you on?
‘MYSELF’: On the left side (isn’t that where we all are? *shrugs* Smh)
‘I’: alright, lets quit the arguments and be nice to our visitor.
‘ME’: ok, should I Introduce Myself?
‘MYSELF’: Are you asking, ‘Me’?
‘ME’: Just wondering, ok…go ahead
‘MYSELF’: Thanks, dear visitor, you must have been welcomed by Me and I, Well I’m always by myself and most times, as a result, im sad…why? Well one day, the words “I love Me” were said by I while I was in the shower…
‘I’: WHAT?
‘Me’: ME?
‘Myself’: ‘I’ admit it, you love ‘Me’
‘I’: I do!
‘Myself’: There, you see?!
‘Me’: but ‘I’ cant love ‘Me’
‘Myself’: Why?
‘Me’: cos ‘I’ love(s) ‘Myself’
‘Myself’: Me?!
‘Me’: Yes?!
‘I’ : I am DEAD!

*Both staring at i*

‘I’: ladies calm down!
‘Me’: Calm down? How can I say that?
‘Myself’: Just come out and be plain…Me or Myself?
‘I’: err…err…I love U !
‘Me and Myself’: U?! and who the ‘ell is U?

“U” dear reader is you reading this right now, allow me to at this point appreciate your frequent visits to this post. Yup! You are the reason I try to at least put up something here cos I know that I add to your day in my own little way. So from the bottom, blackest part of me heart, I wanna say I love u! (if you’re a lady, I mean it more..guys u know now..fistbump!)

Yeah! so u made it thus far. Are u still sane or have I beyond reasonable doubt proven that you are probably just as crazy as I am..if u were able to understand the above dialogue and make sense out of it, then congratulations! U are now qualified to add the title ‘insane’ to your CV, resume or Bio! That was just a typology of the arrant nonsense that plays out in my head on the regular (serious o!)..What else is left to say…errr…safe journey to wherever you came from..this was a one way flight so ure gonna have to find ur way back by urself! Haters and Henemies…I really don’t have any words for y’all cos I don’t think u made it this far..your brain capacity can’t contain such brilliance...i’m sure u died while processing the first paragraph…so till next time guys, IshyourBwoy…!!!

*doing the Prakatatumba*

Wasn't this short?

Saturday, 26 February 2011

We are M.A.D...

“Buy your gala here, Cold LaCasera here, Otapiapia rat killer here, Aunty you wan do your hair?”…Typical scenery we all encounter on a regular. It’s the world we live in, buying and selling is the order of the day cos whether we believe it or not, this world IS a MARKETPLACE and the currency we have is TIME.

This post is a deviation from my normal kinda stuff (I think I said that 2 posts ago as well), but anyway im’ma try to still hold your attention as long as I can, pls FOLLOW along cos I’m going somewhere Yes! Have u noticed how most of our statements regarding time are basically similar to those used when referring to money? We either SPEND it, SAVE it, WASTE it or INVEST it…therefore, it makes complete sense the phrase “Time is MONEY”. I’m not here to do a lecture on TIME..i’ll leave that to Jack Griffin (the erstwhile CEO of TIME magazine) but anyway, we are all given 24hrs in a day and we either spend, save, waste or invest it. Now a lot of us reading this are tech-savvy *shrugs* that’s why u can read this in d first place, u know how your phone or laptop has become your best buddy, some of u even have names for them like brian, jasmine, kafayat etc just to show the deep level of affiliation…now also, a lot of us are on facebook and Twitter and all the social networking sites or at least here’s THE question: “Have you EVER felt like u have WASTED a whole day or at least a large chunk of ur day chilling with brian, jasmine or kafayat (your phone)? Have u ever felt like u SPENT all day tweeting and at the end you feel like a “weist?” Raise your hands if u’ve ever felt that way, my hands are up by the way! Lets focus on Twitter shall we, while some people just come on and tweet for fun n laughs, for some of us, it’s a strategic means to an end..if u ask @exschoolnerd or @Msjazzyfied, they will tell you that tweeting PAYS! I’ve also discovered it too and that’s what I wanna share with you today (I’ve got ur attention now abi? thank me later..)

We come on Twitter and ask people to follow us for no apparent reason and some do if they like your avatar, bio or your tweets. However, today I present to you a better reason to ask people to follow you. We aim to give our tweeting a purpose and by ‘we’, I mean the members of “TweetforCharity” or “TW4C” for short ..we are normal tweeps on your TL who have decided to maximize the essence of our tweets by giving a certain amount to charity cause(s).

Here’s how it works: we donate a tiny sum per follower (those following us) and for those we follow too (and trust me, it is a VERY VERY small amount)..Let me attempt a mathematical representation here:

@kevinWithAnL...following 100 , followers 200
let 'x' represent the donation amount
therefore, x X 100 = 100x (amount to be contributed for those following)
x X 200 = 200x (amount to be contributed for followers)
This implies: Total contribution done by @KevinWithAnL
= 100x + 200x = 300x

I tried abeg…These monies are then collated and used to meet certain needs of those in need (err..does this make sense?)…im not so much of an expert in financial matters but we have all logistics tied down. Contributions will NOT be going to any individual but to the Bank account dedicated to the purpose which has already been opened..statement of expenditure and all those stuff will be sent to member’s e-mail addresses. we will also pass info on Twitter..Now our tweeting will no longer be a waste of time or spent unwisely, it becomes an INVESTMENT into the lives of the less priviledged, its our way of making a difference while yet having fun, our way of bringing change and putting smiles on peoples faces (I feel like a speech welling up) In essence we will now be tweeting for Charity! It gives a focus…by the way, this doesn’t mean u should be scared to follow people or follow back o, abeg!

Presently, we have 21 tweeps who are the foundation members of TweetforCharity..these include @WF_SimonSEEZ, @ifreke, @engee01,@HUGOverified, @greenactsgroup, @junkyp, @tobiamoo, @farouqh @vivisleek, @bleezers, @ThelmaTweets, @spitgucci, @Drewbaba, @Msjazzyfied, @Dzerghz, @abiodunbala, @kneeyie, @BragginRightz, @M4minx, @sunkanmi and my not-so humble self… yeah! its not as if these guys have any benefits like company car or office so don’t sweat it, they are just the first among many hopefully.. So we met in lagos in December at Ozone and subsequent meetings in january and decided to take the first steps, we are going to visit an orphanage: The name of the orphanage is the Centre for Destitute Empowerment and it is run by Pastor Samson Okoliko and his wife with staff strength of five.The orphanage is located at 8, Makanjuola Close, Pako, Idimu Alimosho L.G. with a branch office in Abuja which is run by his wife.

The orphanage, with a population of 64 kids, is a home for motherless babies and children with all sorts of disabilities including autism, polio, neurosis, mental retardation and so on. According to the Pastor Okoliko, the greatest need in the orphanage is food items, clothes and also paying of staff salaries. He was also open to the idea of hosting the children to a party or a movie or generally anything that would leave a lasting impression on the children’s minds. We intend to Make a difference in the way we can and we invite you to join in too.

Fellow Twitterians, This is a call to serve, a call to stand up and be counted or sit down..and still be counted though. TweetforCharity is up and on the move, you can either join the train or not (its not by force o) but I prefer being an agent of positive change than a spectator..the choice is yours! What we ask is that u decide today whether you want to be a weist on Twitter or not, we present to you a very good reason to be on Twitter 24/7, if they ask u, tell them you are tweeting 4 charity..Some of us make money on/from Twitter re: laide and Isioma...this is a chance for us to give back to ‘society’ *evil laugh,runs to hide* Lets not be asked what Twitter is doing for us, lets show what we are doing with Twitter!

Oh! By the way, M.A.D in the title means 'Making A Difference'

Meanwhile, I feel like a gala and Lacasera right now…GALA!!!!

God bless the Internet Republic of Twitter

*recite second stanza of national anthem here*

Details of the financial breakdown and all other required information can be sourced from which will be fully functional soon.

For inquiries and questions, please direct such to @twt4Charity on Twitter

Wednesday, 16 February 2011


The following programme is Rated 18, viewer discretion is advised as this program contains scenes of hilarious fits, unreasonable reasoning and utter disregard for anything sane! Remember, you can activate the Parental control on your decoder at this point, just press…”sharrap! As if y’all don’t know how to deactivate the stuff”

*Rolling Film Trailer*

*Insert sound effects, preferably gush of wind NOT local ibo whistle sound*

*James Earl Jones voice* “He was a man (picture flashes), she was a woman (picture flashes) and Faith (not @Chyychy) brought them together! He wanted something, she wanted something and like I said, Faith brought them together (they attend the same church)…KelvStone pictures presents a tale of Love and Passion, a story of what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano, Sacrifice, 419 and lots of ‘Torch and follow’…*major sound effect here* “The POST VALENTINE story”…coming NOW to this blog u’re reading!!!

Buhahaha!!! I always wanted to do that, I mean the whole voice over movie intro thingy. Ah! Relief! Anyways, here we are again and NO, this is not a movie so there are no characters involved, but digressing a bit, can’t our pple learn? Must we successfully deafen our audience in a bid to advertise a movie? Shey its one guy that does all that shouting? He should be found and MENDed quickly! And even if u don’t tell us, im sure every Musa, Chinwe and Rasaki knows that the movies can be found at Pound Road Aba and 51, iweka Rd Onitsha! So spare us and ehen, what consequences await if we don’t “GRAB OUR COPY NOW!” mtscheeew..ok, jare back to why we are here…!

My people, life is like a University and at intervals, we must write exams-some we pass and others we fail, inevitably, those we fail we must carry over and write again. An exam was just concluded on feb 14th and the results are out! I painstakingly put myself through the agony of taking a class just before the exam to ensure that we all come out in flying Vals day has come and gone (Thank God), if u’re here and your vals day was a success lemme see your hands..ok, 1,2,3…if it wasn’t..ah!,1,5,17, 75..ok drop it! Wow!! What happened? U didn’t follow my class rules? Hehehe…Anyways, Vals day has come and gone obviously. Some are basking in their gains, others are licking their wounds and counting their losses! I belong to the group of people who did nothing, got nothing and basically just sokpa’d on Twitter for most of d day..You know it was always bound to be interesting anyways, a day with so many people dressed in red as in a perfect representation of d intentions for the day either boys a/c goes RED, ladies show you their RED eye etc..So what makes u think u had a great Vals day? Because Tunde sent u a Teddy bear and chocolates abi? Ure an AGBAYA!!! Yezz and im not beefing o, haba! U’re 25 amd u’re dragging Teddy with your 2-yr old niece, what does that make u? Ehn? U say what? “it’s the thought that matters?” ok, so if he had sent a text that said ‘hey baby,im just thinking abt u this vals bcos its d thot that counts” tell me u will not curse his generation in your local dialect! Leave that tin jare…and u, he took u out for Ice cream and Fried Rice …I don’t want to believe that because Esau sold his birthright for porridge, u now deemed it fit to open ur legs because of ice cream and fried rice. Incase u didn’t know, jacob’s porridge had assorted meat and fish in it!! Mtscheeew.. if you are among the lucky one(s) that got a Land Rover, iPad or a wedding ring through legitimate means, then I celebrate with you, You have eaten of the spoils of d season.

Meanwhile, I know that some of u think u’re smart abi? U bought yourself perfume and a card and addressed it to yourself to save face, some even ordered room delivery Pizza and bucket of ice cream so that them no go carry last..its all right! And you guys that came home by 5am claiming u were out all night with the chic while u were crashing, holding pillow tight at your fellow guys house, nothing do you!!
I know that some peeps genuinely celebrated the day, as in those who are really in love oh (probably heading to marriage sef), I don’t have a problem with them. Whether he took u out, bought u Fan Yogo and took u back home, u know that u’ve hooked him and when he finally asks u to marry him, u can start your revenge! But my pain is for those who 9months from now will deliver the fruit of a Mr Biggs lunch or the result of a night of clubbing and too much booze. He says he loves u now abi, wait till u tell him u missed your period, he will MISS that PERIOD!! It’s the aftermath of Valentine that excites me, if we were to have news headlines on that, we would hear things like..

• DMT mobile Toilets experience total overload as a result of all the SHIT they had to deal with on vals day
• Girl breaks boys head with STAR bottle after unwrapping gift of Nokia BB
• Sales of balloons surprisingly skyrocket as chemists record sell out of condoms
• Woman goes gaga after eating ‘igbo’ leaves mixed with beans and macaroni while thinking she was served chinese

The stories will be endless and I’m sure you all have some to share… Asides the virtual aftereffects, the physical effects will be alarming! I can safely bet that roasted corn and agbalumo (shebi its d season) will begin to trend as guys have most likely exhausted d small money that they have..Some will easily fit into their church 21-day fasting program cos it comes naturally at this time..Girls, don’t be shocked if your bf all of a sudden loses weight and becomes slimmer, its actually your fault..Shikena!! Ok, moving on…What? Oh! you wanna hear MY vals day story? Seriously, I did nothing-just lazied around, sent voicenotes to some people, deleted some members of the “Dumb Broadcast Association” that reside in my BB and chose that day to manifest their shallowness, but really, I knew that broadcasts were going to be a major feature of the day but I didn’t expect to see some of the kind I got…eg: ”The federal ministry of Love warns that boys who buy nothing for their gf’s will be broke 4 ever and girls who claim to be on their period will bleed to death…Pass this on to 20 people if u want your vals day to be a success” and some FOOLS (pardon my Spanish) FULL of FOOLISHNESS still deemed it fit to broadcast this FOOLISH message.

Smartphones should be taken out of the hands of dumb people…I think we should have IQ tests before some phones are sold to people…”err..sorry, u do not qualify to use a Blackberry, pls proceed to the 3310 stand and look through as you will definitely find something to interest you there!” (BTW, one of the most annoying broadcasters I have is a follower from Twitter, pls I thought Twitter would have refined u a bit, if u are reading this and ure wondering if its you, then it is!!! Quit it already with the broadcasts. I haven’t deleted you yet bcos im nice like that but there is a limit…) Later in the day, I strolled to Chicken Republic and I wasn’t disappointed, it was a sea of red: balloons, uniforms, customers, I took some pictures and then went to Mr Biggs, If I needed any confirmation that Mr Biggs is almost dead, I got it that was almost empty! Came home and tweeted more, it rained heavily and I slept off.

So in conclusion, it has come and gone, life goes on..girls, note however that now that vals is over, u will get more advances as guys realize that the coast is clear especially if your birthday is nowhere in sight..and guys if u attempt to toast that girl now, be prepared to answer the question “where were u since?” Before she says YES, she will collect vals gift, xmas gift , New years gift and the gift for her mother’s 50 years birthday that u (obviously) did not attend 2 years ago! So I rejoice with all y’all who had a great. Memorable day and for those of you who totally failed d class, Turn to your neighbor and say “Fear Not!, u have only carried over the course, u have the opportunity to pass it next year”

Enjoy some of the scenery..thanks to @jemieyt and @misjuwa for the picture inputs

Haters and Gbagaun finders, u can like to microwave salad while waiting for Hell to freeze over, Till then though, try licking ur elbow while waiting for DaGrin's call or better still, save yourself the stress and just show love for once in your life: Kiss a naked wire, that might be the only naked thing u'll ever kiss #Okbye

PS: The search for the ONE comes to the finish line...

Sunday, 13 February 2011


Aloha! Bienvenue! Welcome once again to 5mins of reading what will eventually turn out to be a refreshingly relaxing good read (that’s if u can read), it might take 10mins if u hate scrolling side to side (like I do) using ur Blackberry, it could even take 30mins for you to see this page if you are using a NOservice provider such as EmpTyHen…but anyhoos, indulge me yet again.

Allow me to state at this point that this post is a kinda deviation from my previous, not funny and is gonna be quite nostalgic and as such I hereby recommend u grab a hanky or two for when the tears start falling. But then again, who r u deceiving? U and I know that no one is watching you and you use your ever-reliable shirt sleeve to clean your eyes and blow out your buttery looking snort..go ahead jare! Nothing do you. This post was actually inspired by Facebook, yes, Facebook!! U know, Facebook is like your ex-girlfriend, you had so much fun times and then all of a sudden, u get bored and a new exciting chic comes your way and u’re on to the next one!(Me I don’t do that sha) but u do! you good-for-nothing lowlife heartbreakers!!! At times, I wonder how facebook feels when she sees YOU strutting arm in arm with Twitter, she doesn’t complain though- shes consoled by the fact that YOU still visit early in the mornings to check YOUR schedule and sometimes in the day to give her YOUR new pictures, its Hi5 that is totally shattered sha, I head she’s now strutting herself on the streets seeking customers since no one knows her address anymore or even the password to ‘enter’ her. SHEEET!!! How did we get here? I said this was inspired by facebook, not ABOUT facebook! Ok Kelv, concentrate…moving on…Today, I wanna take us back a lil’ bit to when men were boys and women were girls…oh! I haven’t told u the correlation between Fb and this? *sigh* Fb represents our history, our today we are going to be remembering some things from the good old days…I started a Trending Topic on Twitter #UareNotInMyGeneration to help bring back the memories and they came flooding im’ma share some, feel free to add more in the comments section…

Remember those nites of PALACE, CANDLELIGHT. CHECKMATE, BEHIND D CLOUDS..8pm things
Remember how we used 2stay up to watch niteshift on DBN?
Remember telematch?
Remember how your heroes growing up were Hulk Hogan, Ultimate warrior, Bruce lee etc? now u're wondering why u're such a thug?
Remember when MARIO was d best game around and u could kill for a Gameboy or Nintendo?
Remember how u saved 2buy ur left n right game and in your mind that brick racing game rocked?
Remember when church services just meant ice cream after service?
Ladies Remember when all you could do to ur hair was jerry curl and perming? who brought all these horse hair tins sef...mtscheew!!!
Remember where u were when kanu's goal sunk brazil @ atlanta 96? That was when Kanu was 35!
Remember AIT jamz with kenny n d1 rockin fubu baby….AGBAYAS!! and now Kenny sings?! SHAME! LAME!
Remember how u used 2 wait til dec 31 to dub ur favorite songs from the Top 100?
Remember rewind + stop + play trying 2get d lyrics of a song so you could write in that love letter? and ending the letter with xxx and 'sealing with a kiss?" ..pathetic people..smh
Guys remember wearing 2trousers n thinking it was cool? and how u used to 'chest' cane?
Girls remember when d only joint u knew were barbeach n water parks…(I wish that never changed)?
Remember when bread was N10 n pure water was sold in nylons?
You, Bad Guy!! Remember how you cried when you watched Titanic??
Remember Domitilla and that first 'naked scene' in Glamour Girls? we wanted to crucify Eucharia but nowadays, just bring cossy and its all cosy!!
Remember Chike n d river, Eze goes to sch, Ali and Simbi? if u don't it means u went to night school or u didn't go at all...
Remember when Dec 25th meant watching 'jesus of Nazareth' all day?
Remember CRUSH, PARLE SODA...and Sunday rendezvous (just to drink Limca)
Remember when Junior & pretty were ur heroes? and it wasnt cool 2b called Bolanle or Monica?
Remember when Tv started at 4pm?
Remember babadudu, ofio,oyakaka TastyTime, gogo and M&K?
Remember when to toast a girl just involved a letter and a tape of her fave songs?
Remember sagem mc320, talkabout,alcatel n ur sim of 80k
Remember 'My book of Bible stories?' what's that? and u wonder why ure a sinner...smh
Remember NITEL cards and how u used to store them in freezers to recharge?
Remember reading Nackson magazines guys? me i didnt read sha...seriously!!
Remember the 3 orange men? no seriously, wat was that all about? I wonder what colour they are now…
Remember Birdman, SuperTed, Dodo the kid from outer space, OvideVideo , DoctorWho?
Ladies, remember the Butterfly dance? Imagine yourself doing that today…y'all looked like you were releasing your butt muscles for more effective farts...
Remember CableTel and how you tuned your TV to get it, Clapperboard, NTA 7(if u still have this channel ehn…)
Remember the early day music videos done in AIT studios? 2face them had humble beginnings sha, wearing vests and ish...and d guy still wore vest in African Queen video, Thank God for watever/whoever showed him d light
Remember how when (is this even correct english?) anyway, Remember how when your folks wanted to go get shoes for u, they'd measure your foot with a broomstick?
Remember those soaps: The Rich also cry, Secrets of the sand (7:30-8:30pm Tues n wed), Wild Rose, Maria des Los angeles
Remember sledgeHammer and Lois & clark?

I could go on and on…but im just gonna stop here so u don’t cry a river and flood your home…yeah, I needed to put this up here for posterity (whatever that means) and err..also cos I felt like writing something..Meanwhile, in other news, there is no other news!

I hope to see u again when the next post is out and I’m back to my normal annoying self, for my beefers and Haters, @MsJazzyfied has advised me to slap y’all, I really would have loved to but the love of the Lord constraineth me and this MFM church near my house has given me a better idea, its called FIRE!!!

*Dances butterfly galala out of stage to the tune of ACE by Sir Shina Peters*

Monday, 7 February 2011


Ok, here’s the deal, the last post on Vals blues seemed to be a kinda hit and I got lotsa mentions and comments on Twitter and in my mail concerning it (+ve and –ve) if I may say, Still though I must thank everyone who did for taking/making the time to actually read d post, me sef I tire for the length. Meanwhile, I must at this point make it clear that I am NOT a relationship expert and the views presented in d post were just my personal opinions (na lie o, i wanna expert die?). Lots of people seemingly agreed with the expressed desires/needs of both sexes while some criticized me for bringing out their dirty G-strings and Boxers out for the world to see! Im sorry- SUE ME!!!

Today though, I really don’t have a direction of writing (typing as d case actually is), im just going to rant all d way to the end of this post (another lie, guy u dey lie sha)..Oh! an idea just popped into me ‘ed…lets see, still on d valentine day matter, for those who actually will have a val or have the opportunity to take that girl ‘out’ on that day, a common dilemma is how to proceed. Don’t deny it, u’ve been racking your brain since on how you can give her the perfect experience and hopefully, eventually get something more than “Thank u for a nice day, I’ll ping you later!” well worry no more! Im here to take you on Valentine 101-401, I’ll be ur Professor for the class, call me Prof @KevinWithNoVaL, Class is in session students! Read my lips and make A’s in this Test!!This is where you sit down, grab your note and pen and begin to take notes..I’M SERIOUS!! U’re gonna need this…!!! And oh! This is tailored for the guys sha..ladies no vex, y’all know I love you..pls do read and fall in love with ME! Yes me!!

Ok guys, so u read the last post and u got an idea of what she wants for vals day and Thank God your account is not as red as the season so you were able to get her that iPad and the name encrusted pendant. U should know that you have 24hrs in the day to show her a great time climaxing in giving her the gift and hopefully other climaxes as well..So it’s a Monday and she probably has to work or go to school or maybe even stay home. No matter what she does, do NOT, I repeat do NOT be the first, second or third person she SEES on the day!! Even if you are jobless, try and form scarce, there is VALUE in SCARCITY! Re: fuel…But ensure that you mark your’s how: Ladies want a sense of assurance or reassurance as the case may be as often as they can get it, PDA’s are always a welcome tool.if u have a BB and she does too, it won’t be a bad idea to use her pic as ur DP with a status like “I’m going to love u always and a day more” BUT if u’re like @walegafar or @HUGOverified who are dating their whole street, then it might not be such a good idea sha. If u don’t have a BB, no wahala, I advise that you don’t call her just yet..send her a text saying “I don’t need a special day to celebrate u, but I think d world does cos u’re that special..i love u baby, today, tomorrow and 4ever” Yeah, mushy stuff like that will increase her anticipation and excitement level.(that’s if u’ve not effed up recently o!ehen!) Pls ensure your texts are orginals, do NOT use or 4wd any sent to u..if u love her that much, then u should be able to express it but if not, hit me up on Twitter and I wee compose a msg guaranteed to sweep her off her feet into MY arms..!!!do NOT start quoting MI or darey and think that she will not know, keep it ORIGINAL guys!

So her day has started with a text msg from u,Try to avoid GBAGAUNS cos u dont want her remembering u for d wrong reasons but try and see how u can maintain the tempo probably a text every hour..might sound lame but it does fly, on BB, u could change her pic every hour with a new status as well (if she's got it, then flaunt her..if she doesn't however, u may wanna spare us d torture) ahem! moving on, send her voicenotes at intervals…PLEASE DO NOT 4WD ANY BROADCASTS NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED IT IS! I’m thinking I will create a broadcast and circulate sha with hidden illuminatti messages in it capable of bursting her head and ruining your relationship buhahaha..i dey warn u naw o!! So u’ve succeeded in keeping her excited all day, its afternoon now..this will be a good time to call her and in your most sexy voice (the one u use when u’re looking in d mirror while brushing) tell her in clear language (ibo, Yoruba, hausa, pidgin or English) how u look forward to seeing her later in the day. Remember even if u’re both jobless (no offense o), Try to see her late in the day. Anytime from 3pm works. I suggest you do a late lunch..shey u know lunch will be cheaper than dinner on that day sha? Ehen! But if u have money like @WF_SimonSeez, then u can do Japanese dinner things (ah! Imagine a candle lit dinner under the stars of the sky, with nature all around u, the wind softly blowing sea breeze on your cheeks while your table for 2 is set is on THIRD MAINLAND BRIDGE..Oh CLASSIC!!!) Ok so u’re set for lunch, pls ensure that the venue for the lunch isn’t too far from where she stays or works. It doesn’t make sense for her to stay at Ipaja-Ayobo and u’re arranging for lunch things at Golden Gate ikoyi (@spitgucci take note) except u’re sending a cab (red cab ni o)..remember we r trying to UP your if u can find any nice place nearby-cool! Be warned however that u most definitely will see a crowd if u’re going to the Mr Biggs, Nandos and suggestion, look for a real restaurant or Hotel with good food, u don’t have to do the common fast food and eateries but u could have ordered take away from any just incase. If she’s at work though, u could send a delivery order to her right there at d office (real food o) u cud ‘spice’ it up with a box of chocs that she can share with her co-workers thus rubbing pepper in their eyes. PS: if ure meeting for lunch, ensure u get there on TIME! Don’t keep her WAITING!! And make sure you’re worth looking at, don’t think because its laide that u’ve been dating u will now come looking like any of @scriptkidd’s avatars..look dapper (starch and iron d shirt)..a matured look always flys, I didn’t say wear tie o but just look and SMELL good..if u smell like a combination of spoilt moi-moi, beans and eggs then u might wanna consider spending some dough on body spray and a nice perfume..and oh yeah..armpit hair? That ish doesn’t work..are u trying to provide accommodation for homeless bacteria, maggots n stuff.eewwww!!! Shave dude, SHAVE!!!

So lunch done, ehen! Pls if u dnt know how to pull out chairs and stuff, or u don’t do it naturally don’t start that day o! its all superficial and that reduces points..same thing with opening doors, just be yourself but if yourself is anything as razz as @SheriphSkills (who thinks deuces is spelt and pronounced duzzez) then pls be someone else, I recommend someone like @bleezers or @Rated_X who represent gentlemanly conduct anytime..So u’ve planned to see a movie eh? Here’s the downside to that- yup! The cinema is gonna be full and then she might wanna just go home afterwards and that’s it! Yes THAT’S IT!!! So Prof suggests u probably do an indoor movie, u could arrange with a hotel to have lunch there and then pay a bit more to have them show your movie in their mini theatre (I think some have), make sure it’s a movie she wants to see, don’t ga’an play SAW 6 bcos u wanna scare her into ur arms for easy cuddling (that’s what I would do sha cos im gangsta like that), ensure it’s a film she wants to u’ve gotta find that out. U’ve got your privacy, u’ve got her in your arms (hopefully),so..we can hope that the movie mood will allow for some mouth-to-mouth *LORD WHY ME?! WHY THIS SINGLENESS?!* now wailing,tearing bag of rice to wear as sackcloth*sorry jare, my emotions got d better of me… anyway, let nature take its toll BUT IF nature is being a beach, then take the bulls by d balls and make things d right buttons (i did not send u to press her shirt buttons o! ehen..that will be a good time to have the waiter bring in the bottle of wine (eva, bluecocktail are NOT allowed) u’ve ordered..she most likely will ask “are u tryna get me drunk?” tell her with all confidence and style...“nah..thats for later” if she says nothing or just smiles or nods..then u’ve SCORED!! YAY!!!

Wrapping it all up..if she can’t stay d night at any hotel..oh! if u’re doing dinner in a hotel, it wont be a bad idea to book there as well (pls confirm she cn afford to stay the night before booking o, if not u will enjoy the bed and AfricaMagic by yourself)..but if she has to go back home, now is a good time to bring out her gift and with all lingua dexterity, let her know how much you love her..bla bla bla yadi yadi yada…just give her d friggin’ gift already..hopefully she may ask you to stay a while or if u’re in a hotel, then all is set..PLS NOTE THAT I’M NOT ADVOCATING FOR ANYTHING SEXUAL O, IM JUST TEACHING THE COURSE AS THE SYLLABUS STIPULATES!! Eventually, remember that Vals day is just One day and so whether u get any or not shouldn’t be a problem, try to make it GENUINELY all about her, u do not rush perfection. If u successfully ‘WOW’ her, her life-and yours will NEVER be the same again..cheers guys! Show her sincerely how much of a queen she is..Ladies ae special and that’s why we love ‘em..even if ur mind is as corrupted as most cybercafé systems, try to make it all about her and little of u..

By the way guys, I’m in trouble o…I think I’ve ‘met’ the one…out of Six…but I don’t know EXACTLY which one she is..


Tuesday, 1 February 2011


DISCLAIMER POST: Do not read further!! Pls visit for disclaimer notice…THANKS!!
Done? who r u kidding? Be doing as if u actually read the DISCLAIMER…anyway, Welcome Guys, I see that I have somehow managed to get you to visit this blog once again by just posting a link on Twitter, ehn ehn? So its that easy to control mortals? I must be a god or something (buhahaha)! What if this is all u came here to see, what would’ve happened? U’ll sue me, unfollow me? But alas! I’m not as cold-hearted as that, ashualey, I am o! the last time I checked, I “had an ice-box where my heart used to be” *pops collar* oh yels, I’m a badt guy like that…

But I must at ths point appreciate you guys for always checking up on me here, it gets quite lonely in blogville nowadays, my neighbour @adahna ( ) is hardly around, I dunno the man that is taking her time away from here, @Sandie_Pandie ( ) lives some streets away and does check on me often sha, @SheriphSkills is always at stadia, play or some other joint in Abj, ah well *sigh* @exschoolnerd ( used to be my loyal crime partner around the ‘blogk’ ,up until she fell in love with Funbi …she’s our President here o so I cant complain but she’s cool like that. So, I’ve being visiting @MsJazzyfied ( ) quite often, we just chill on the steps and listen to @THEBEAT999FM all day, cool stuff I tell ya!!

Ok, having said thanks and all the introductory ish, let us now delve into the koko of d matter that has brought us here! It is summed up in one word “VALENTINE”!!! Yes! This one word has been/being (ive said I don’t know when to use either, so pick one n lezz continue)..where were we? Ok…this one word has wrecked so many potential futures- monetarily, relationship-ly, intimately and otherwise. Im not even going to try n go into d history of d day cos me sef I dunno, when did they born me dat u expect me 2 knw? Any story that works for u, believe jare! Anyway, Vals day is here again and if u’re a guy, u would agree with me that this is d one day we wish NEVER existed on the calendar! I’m Lying? See this guy o! ok bcos u don dey touch small money now abi, wait first naw, shebi dis is ur first official valentine..e go soon over u!! Seriously though 99% of us guys hate VALS day! Its not because of the money 2 b spent,(LIE!!!) its just it has a semblance of a well crafted SCAM that benefits the lady folk..ok, ladies before u chop my head off, I know u also do some ‘giving’ on the day BUT u only give when u’re sure that we are giving or have given… Alright, let me personalize this..I HATE VALS DAY!!!

DISCLAIMER: All views from this point on are strictly mine, your boyfriend did not ping me to ask me to do this so please don’t crucify him for sending you the link to this post. At the same time, if u r a lady or potential chic that is falling for me, don’t let this post change your mind- its all fiction, this is emmm..,just for laughs ok? Thanks for understanding!

Before u start thinking I’m just a selfish stingy SOB, take a walk in my shoes a bit will ya? My grouse with vals day has nothing to do with the spending (who am I kidding?), it ranges from the awkward display of ‘love’ that u see to the annoying hike up of prices of almost everything. It totally irks me when I come out of my house on feb 14th and everywhere u go, people are dressed up in red like aiyelala loyalists: as in red shirt, red shoes, all red everything, so because they said that ‘love is in the air’, it now means that we should not see road again abi? I swear, if I catch any of my followers or friends dressed in red…ok o! Then all these aiyelala people all seem to be headed to the same place: either an eatery, restaurant , cinema or joint..first of all, your foodstuff has finished at home abi? Rice and shicken that u ate on new years day here (bad as e bad), then to one cinema with 1000 other aiyelala people to watch one movie that we could have bought in Lekki traffic for #150 on a good day…abegi!! Do u see the extortion? Its annoying because it is on that day that your girlfriend remembers the ONLY scripture she knows: Jn 3:16 “for God so loved d world, that he GAVE…” she will stop at ‘gave’ and proceed to give u a Chris Okotie inspired exegesis on how love is proved by giving! As a bad guy sha, me sef I know bible: Ladies could you stop reading at this point or jump to d next paragraph thanks. So guys this is what u say when she uses this line- tell her: the bible says “GOD is LOVE”, Jesus and GOD are one, no be so? That means Jesus is also if God so loved the world and thus gave Jesus, It means God so loved d world and gave LOVE…so what God gave was love!!! Tell her “today I’m giving u love and I don’t have to spend money to do that! buhahahaha…(ensure ure well protected when u say this sha).

Welcome back ladies, sorry for pushing u out, I just had to tell your guy how best to meet your vals day needs and we wanted to keep it a secret, yeah, I have ur interests at heart, Thank me later! U know its true that as Vals day approaches, guys are looking for ways to break up, girls are looking for ways to be nicer.. Hey Guys!!! Guess what? ManU and Arsenal coaches are holding a press conference RIGHT NOW, u may wanna check that out…GO! GO! GO!!! good boys!

*now whispering* ladies if they know I told u what im about to, I’m DEAD, so please be quiet…sshhhhh*

Here are some things we often do to get away from our ‘responsibility’ , all we need to do are make up excuses of being busy, working late etc…here are some: they range from the mundane to the downright absurd
• we start complaining about our financial situation from jan 28th (or whenever salary is paid)t so that we can refer to it later by saying “remember how I told u I’ve been managing since, all d debts I had to clear with January salary…”
• we raise your hopes for a future explosion “mehn, if the money im expecting in march just comes…” whenever we avoid February, u should catch the drift!
• Now with BB, its easier for us to pass the message, all we need to do is put up ‘funny’ statuses and DP’s about how we are broke or anti-vals etc FORGET O!! those ain’t jokes, its our way of sending subliminal msgs to u
• When our ringtone and favorite song all of a sudden becomes “One naira by MI and Waje” or “Not the girl by darey”
• My BB is dead and u’re pinging me???
• “I have a lot going on right now, I need some time to get it all together”
• if u ever have a convo on BBM that looks like this, it’s a sign…

But if u’re one of the lucky few who are destined to have a great valentine’s day, then I am indeed happy for you. For the rest of us (yes u included, don’t form, u’re part of this group). We can still have a swell day even without a val, how? Not to worry…see, I don’t think u should torture yourself by going to places where you are definitely going to come across all these love birds. It makes no sense to wake up and then decide that u’re gonna go to the cinema all by yourself on such a day..Why? when u can just stay home jejely and watch ur movie if PHCN allows u o..Eateries are also out of it, u’ve been going to iya asisa’s place since o but bcos its vals day, u now decide to baff up n go to eat Chinese all by yourself!! Omo bone! Go to iya asisa and order n eat your fill abi na full..rice, eba, assorted toh kwoliti and wash it down wella!!! If u’re alone this val, don’t feel bad. Its ashualey a blezzin from God so that u can save money for your kid’s future academics etc..(I hear plenty hisses…buhahaha)

Another dilemma is GIFTS! Girls often wonder what to get their guys, their minds don’t seem to go beyond Shirts, boxers, perfumes and cufflinks, as in ahn ahn? What happened to X-box, Samsung 45” flat screen TV, iPad’s or a year’s subscription for our DSTV to enjoy the Premier league etc? seriously, we are tired of all d shirts, did I say I wanna start a boutique? On my birthday-shirt!, xmas-shirt! Wedding aso-ebi even Burial T shirt!!! And when u buy me boxers and u have never seen me in them, what’s the use? How do u know that u’re buying the right size sef? *side eye* I don’t want again! Perfumes, I’ve been shouting I want Terre D’Hermes and u ga’an buy ugo I a phool? U expect me to actually wear that? Mtscheeew!! See, we are MEN! And we also have needs, we love big things, things our hands can work or fix (catch my drift?).

And guys, I know shopping for the ladies is always a task, not because we don’t know what to get but bcos the options are NUMEROUS!! Here’s a tip: NEVER ask your lady what she wants. NEVER!!! She will tell u all she wants and as she continues, she remembers those Jimmy Choos she saw justina wearing and the Brazilian hair Ronaldo’s gf used…u go just WRECK!!! Here are my sagely suggestions: Vals day is synonymous with Teddy Bears and flowers: do NOT buy any of these!! Except ure dating Miss Piggy and u wanna stylishly give her a gift that looks like her. No Flowers!! Na 9ja we dey so, that ish doesn’t fly, I don’t care whether d flowers were freshly plucked from the edge of the Nile..she wee use it to cook your next soup, just be looking!!! So what then should you get her? Really though, I might not be in d right position to tell you that but I’m going to whether u like it or not, afterall its MY BLOG and u’ve patiently read this far so a lil’ more wee not kee you..Ladies will always get gifts-they don’t need a special occasion! I think a lot of them are not so much crazy about what you get them (except it’s a LandRover 2 or HSE), Most just want you to spend your “currency of life” on them –TIME! Whether u take her to the movies or a Togolese restaurant, it’s the TIME spent with her that she really craves, she will still shit the green slimy soup 5hrs later so WTH? Guys whether na One Naira u spend or na One million, ensure that she can look into your eyes and say “Baby u’ve got me!” I really shouldn’t be writing this cos im now getting emotional seeing as im going to sokpa on Vals day as always, I’ll probably be watching Monday night football on TV while y’all will be whipping up sheets and stuff… *boo hoo sob sob*

Well, to round up this round up, I decided to sample opinions of some of my Tweeps, They are the one that RT’d this link to you because they want you to see EXACTLY what they want for vals day..hahaha..yes, this has been a set up all along. Now you can not say “I didn’t know what you wanted…”

Read and be Blessed…

@gigachic- “I want a romantic candle lit dinner for me and the one I love”
@eagiddy- “I want my very own man for vals day, not one who will walk away after a while, sm1 who wld call me bone of my bone..sm1 I can call my forever valentine”
@Rated_X- “I want jade and a 1998 bordeaux” cc @jade
@walegafar; “I want an ipad and a car noni”
@IvyOrji- “I want an Ipad and/or Chevrolet CRUZE cc @emperorcaesar
@WF_SimonSeez- “I just want her to be here, make the plan, and make me go through with it and I’ll pick the Cheque!”
@bleezers- “I want a red All Star converse sneakers with a Transparent sole”
@sheriphskills – “ an Xbox kinnect and/or a pair of shoes/sneakers size 43 will do”
@misjuwa- “hey Cupid! We need to talk, I wanna know something…”
@tojubikz – “I want a getaway to somewhere new with friends where we can jst be kids again n enjoy nature”
@SlimSiren- “I want these books-‘Say you are one of them by Uwem Akpan’, The secret lives of Baba Segi’s wives by Lola Soneyin’ and an Easel
@Chyychy- “I want the perfume ‘Velocity’ by Mary Kay
@MsJazzyfied- “I want the perfume ‘Very Irresistible’ by Givenchy
@AdeYossie- “I just want time, no gifts, just attention and time spent together”
@lilmissfoy- “I want to be invited to lag by him, I want him to come out in the open and stop being shy, then he’ll flex me on the love boat thingy, movies, beach, shopping, he should be responsible n not pressure me to have sex with him cos nothing for him between my legs”
@SpitGucci- “I want a fancy dinner at Golden Gate”
@Sumbyjay- “I want any perfume from J’lo and a cake”
@JustAdivaa- “I just want an ipad”
@HUGOverified- “I want a sincere lady to woo me and val me”
@JunkyP- “I just want 100k, I dey find money jor”
@Le_Maxx- “ I want an Xbox pad battery and charger
@lilmissbeebee- "a pink PsP and gold pendant with my name on it
@BragginRightz “all I want 4val is for u to be here with me, I’ll make it up for these days we’ve spent apart, U are all I think about, U should know I need your love to hold me up when its all too much to bear, I just pray I’ll be here waiting when U come back, Happy Vals Soleil
@Lawrahh5 - "anything at all, its the thought that matters"
@M4minx - "Chocolate Fudge cake and Paco R's, 1m women's gift case (with the contents of course)

Its been a long post and if u’ve read this far, I really must appreciate your patience, endurance...i’m always humbled whenever im told “I love ur blog” it keeps me going..Thanks so much guys! God bless you!!!

So guys, Happy Valentines day but remember..this is just a day, let the Love go round all year through and oh! If u really think I’m gonna be alone this season, then ur brain needs to be checked by a dentist (go figure!)..its gonna be a wonderful threesome for me…hanging out with…ME , MYSELF & i…

To the haters and all those scanning for Gbagauns, if you actually think that your phraseology or parlance is at par with my lingo dexterity, then it is of plenary desideratum, inexorableness and extreme exigency that you unhesitatingly proceed for a cerebral appraisal…in simple english: Get your head examined! *Drops Mic and moonwalks away*

Thursday, 20 January 2011

I'm Thankful!

Dateline: January 28th 198… 3:27am…A hospital in Surulere (though I tell people it was jand sha..)

Doctor: “Push ma’am, Push, just a little harder…I can see d head, yes PUSH!!

Lady: mmmhhhmm… what do u think im doing u punk?! Pulling?? Mmhhmm

Man: Honey, u can do it! YES U CAN (and u think Obama was d first? Hmm KMT) Just a lil’more..!! PUSH!!

Lady: mmhhmmm…one more word out of u and I swear next time, u’re d one going to be screaming while the Dentist PULLS out teeth from your mangled mouth..mmhmmm!!!

Doctor: It’s coming…It’s coming… c’mon…

Man: Yes!!! Yes!!! Ye… (hushes up as lady turns to look at him)

Lady: mtscheew!! Bunch of sissy’s, now stealing my lines…mmhmmm!!!
SILENCE!!! ( NEPA takes light)

Doctor: it’s a BOY…!!!

Man: isn’t he supposed to come out crying?

Lady: Hello? Can someone pls cut this line thingy?

Child: (looks around at all in the room) *sighs* “jeez! NEPA!! I’ve been scammed, this isn’t jand!”

Yeah, the above is the story of my birth as witnessed by me while coming outta d womb, whaddyu mean iz a lie, were u there? Was it your mother’s womb? Plix abegabegabeg leave my loif.. ehen jare, as I was saying…I’ve always been a crème kid (thanx 2d constant flooding of my embryo dwelling with cream, u get?)…and u can’t blame my shock and surprise when I came out and was greeted by immediate power outage. Ah ahn! As in,shock did not allow me cry sef and they were all staring at me waiting for me to cry, couldn’t they see (pun intended) that a more devastating thing had just occurred? NEPA: Keeping candle makers in business since 1960!! Smh…

So born, bred and buttered in lagos; had to go on. Don’t be scared, this isn’t an autobiography on me (Chinamanda abi Chimananda) is working on that as you read, this is just a pause and an opportunity to look back and be thankful for some certain things in me life….Life they say is short, no wonder MI is living it to the fullest.

Some days away from now(depending on when u read this) is my birthday, I’ve had lots of them in the past (obviously) and every one of them provides me with d opportunity to plan ahead, receive gifts, have fun and hangout with those I love etc..This time though, for the sake of posterity I’ve decided to also look back and find some things to be thankful for and of course, share it with y’all. So indulge me will ya…

I’m thankful…

• For my parents doing the deed (im sure it happened while they were celebrating my dad’s birthday which is in April), I’ve done my calculations and it all adds up!…if they didn’t do when they did, maybe I won’t have been the lucky sperm

• For my mum who carried me about safely for 9 months without shame or gra gra...also cos she ate well and healthy, if not I would have come out looking like TerryG…drugged from the womb

• For the Doctor and Nurses at the hospital in Surulere who administered the right care although I really won’t have minded an AC tight room with DSTV for my first night on earth, is that too much to ask?

• For my big bro and sis who did not decide to throw me into a pit like joseph out of jealousy…They nurtured me till I was 4 and then jetted out of the country leaving me at the mercy of Iya Rashidi's kids next door as playmates, Thanx to my folks who refused me the opportunity to run round d street with my rainbow pant chasing tyre... I somehow managed to stay posh.

• For the people responsible for suggesting and giving me names during my naming ceremony…I’ve got 5 names by the way, Thank God none is Morufu, Testimony, Akpohwowo or such..u guys chose well.

• For my lesson teachers from Ghana that raised me in the lingua of Queen’s English..(shey u guys had Ghanian lesson teachers too abi?) I think most kids in lag did!...they’re also responsible for the fact that my pidgin English is WACK! I dey try sha on blogs and twirra.But in real life, i suck: like Angelina Jolie on Spaghetti (dry abi? thank'an write ur own)

• For my primary and sec sch days…the fact that I always came 1st (yeske dis is not a faboo) ...helped grow my confidence...i stopped coming 1st when I entered JSS 1 sha but my kids don’t have to know that, do they?

• For my first girlfriend ‘Ada’ in KG2… she taught me how to prove love- I always ate the remnants of sharpened pencil just 4 her and chalk was my mouth’s best friend, we broke up when I entered Nur 1

• For my second girlfriend ‘Omolere’ in Nur 2 who was my seatmate, we always played the “what is under my uniform game” …ehen, why r u looking at me like that? Didn’t you play it too? See pot calling brand new kettle black!

• For my friends down the years, some have stayed, others have strayed but facebook has an annoying way of making them find you..they will now be trying to famz again..mtschheeeww..

• For my church and the light it shone on my path...though that was where I met my first real girlfriend who gave me my first real kiss that led to my first real…iz not whatchuthink u perv’s…my first real petting session #ThatIsALL..The babe was in Vivian Fowler and if u have 'experienced' a vivian fowler girl here,i mean, the 'spirit' hovered over the 'dry land' and it became fruitful..i feel like preaching..can i get an AMEN! Thank u! pls sit down, we're just talking.she was also my first Val and she footed d bill o! Lord, i miss those days!

• For my University (UniBen) that taught me clearly through first hand experience that Jesus is the way, the Truth and the Life, Cult recruitment that I escaped by the was Matric day parry they called it..Me, i didnt know, it was woman (she wont read this so i can mention her name: Chichi) that carried me there o, i was in 100 level and was already setting my 'priorities'.She was in Law, i was in engineering (perfect).Darris how me i followed her, i didnt even get to dance with d girl sef cos she was HOT like that and bigger boys surrounded her..i vexingly left at 11.30pm, recruitment started past midnight…and if u heard of Uniben in 2003, u’d know that cult wasn’t moi moi or beans! I somehow, inspite of lotsa advances managed to stay out! Saw lots of people lose their lives around me in the most gruesome of ways but lets not dwell on that 2day..

• Still for Uniben and my campus fellowship that gave me leadership responsibility..all through till I rose to the peak position of president (no PDP rigging involved o..) y’all surprised? Don’t be..!!

• For my girlfriends in University: R,C,I ,those I had ‘interactions’ with; U,C,A,F…when I consider the money spent on y’all and the fact that I’m d one that is single now, it makes me wanna SCREAM!!! As in ah ah..after all was said, nothing was done! Decode that!!!

• For my first girlfriend in Uni: 'R' (we dated for almost 4 yrs, 100level-400level): she is getting married on Mar 5th..guess what guys, I’m gonna be the MC of that wedding..from potential groom to are the mighty fallen? I didn’t even get Bestman seeing as the Groom is my friend…eez a long tori jor…BTW, dyu know that the BESTMAN, originally from old tradition ought to be the guy who failed in the quest to get the girl? He plays the role as a sign of allegiance and honour to the new couple…think I’m kidding? Google that stuff! So ‘R’ im thankful for (1) bringing out d poet in me- I cant remember how many poems I wrote just 4 u, ensuring one was read to u aloud by your roommates at exactly midnight on ur birthday in ur hostel. (2) The struggle with @Rated_X for ur hand in relationship, Thanx for picking me sha…eat ur heart out X, we shall sit and share wine at d losers table on d wedding day *shrugs* (3) im also thankful for u o..being d FIRST girl to DUMP me, bcos u were about graduating n wanted 2 marry. That was 2007! Dis is 2011 . Na now u dey marry o!! mtscheeew God dey sha!! PLS IT IS NOT PAINING ME !!!

• For ‘C’…thanx for coming into my life after R stepped out, U are solely responsible for making me the man I have become today! YES U!!! Ahem!! U know it o..of course I still remember all, and in detail too..oh! sorry guys, did I leave u behind? My mind was doing a Bolton on me…as much as I would like to use some of these people’s twitter handles, wait…Let me ask ‘C’ for permission (at this point, I asked for permission ‘C’ said no problem!) but…find her amongst my followers, her handle starts with ‘S’ and ends with a vowel similar to one of those in towel

• For all the girls in between ‘C’ and ‘I’ that didn’t make the cut, thanks for filling in the gaps

• For ‘I’ my last relationship…details in previous posts abeg..

• For Obasanjo, thanx so much for bringing GSM to Nigeria and saving me from the hassles of NITEL cards and phone tapping- everytime my parents locked d phone to stop us from calling…y’all did that stuff too abi? Buhahaha… criminals!!!

• For all my GSM phones that kept me in contact with the world starting with my Sagem Mc920 – Nokia 3310-Motorola Talkabout-Samsung R220 (bluescreen)-Telital-Motorola V50-Nokia 6600 (my first coloured screen camera phone)-Sony Ericsson-Nokia 5300-Nokia n73-China TV phone (hehehe)-Nokia E71- Nokia 5330 (dstv)-BB.

Lets play a game shall we? Try and list out all the phones u’ve used in d comments area after commenting o!!!

• For cybercafés and the Internet that have now almost put NIPOST out of biz, what’s NIPOST? Kai!! Some of u have NEVER even been to the post office in your life…smh. Cybercafés that extorted us to open email addresses #200 to open e-mail a/c WTF??? (What’s that for?),..what did we do in cafes in those days sef? 250/hour to browse and chat with white people we dont know and we will be feeling cool with ourselves. shior!!… see why im thankful?

• For Hi5 and facebook: my first social network experience responsible for reconnecting me with almost extinct friends from the past, seeing how far they’ve come, the singles, married and knocked up. Really though, no matter how we might all ‘HATE’ Fb now, we cannot ignore d days of humble beginnings, the days when FB was the air we breathe, when we felt on top of d world whenever we paste a ‘smart’ quote and we get 70 comments; most of which are our own back and forth discussions…FB was our home, our drug, we sought for cheats to ensure we were always online, the blue and white interface brought undescribed joy to our days but all of a sudden, we can’t seem to ignore the abundant GBAGAUNS and meaningless chatter that goes on there nowadays..inboxes full of love letters of EPIC confusion…*naetoC’s voice “things are not d same..”

• And that brings me to Twitter, im thankful that there is a getaway called twitter (though I wonder how long b4 we all get tired of it or it gets infiltrated by FB peeps). Well for now, im so grateful cos here, I’ve met and I have the most wonderful family n friends. I cant mention handles cos i might leave some folks out, u guys are d bomb, For my nuclear Twitfam, u know urselves, Those i just met, #TeamOzone and those i'm yet to meet, u guys really rock!! As in, the opportunities are endless, whichever state in d country I am, I can hola @ someone and have a great there are potential associates, biz partners and who knows after all this play-play and flirt-flirt, maybe a wife!

• Lastly but not lastly…(go figure), I wanna thank God for the gift of life and another year, I don’t just wanna MAKE IT COUNT, at the end, I wanna COUNT what I MADE of IT.

Its my birthday on the 28th of January peeps, feel free to DM credit, BBM credit, SMS credit, just gimme some friggin’ credit so that the ministry can keep moving!

Im popping a bottle of Swan water here on behalf of the GBAGAUN detectors and HATERS, im standing on the pavement of the 3rd mainland bridge, now pouring a drop into the ocean, when u find it, I’ll have your time…MTSCHEEEEW!!!

*Insert your favourite Africa Magic igbo Soundtrack here*


*Roll credits*