The following programme is Rated 18, viewer discretion is advised as this program contains scenes of hilarious fits, unreasonable reasoning and utter disregard for anything sane! Remember, you can activate the Parental control on your decoder at this point, just press…”sharrap! As if y’all don’t know how to deactivate the stuff”
*Rolling Film Trailer*
*Insert sound effects, preferably gush of wind NOT local ibo whistle sound*
*James Earl Jones voice* “He was a man (picture flashes), she was a woman (picture flashes) and Faith (not @Chyychy) brought them together! He wanted something, she wanted something and like I said, Faith brought them together (they attend the same church)…KelvStone pictures presents a tale of Love and Passion, a story of what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano, Sacrifice, 419 and lots of ‘Torch and follow’…*major sound effect here* “The POST VALENTINE story”…coming NOW to this blog u’re reading!!!
Buhahaha!!! I always wanted to do that, I mean the whole voice over movie intro thingy. Ah! Relief! Anyways, here we are again and NO, this is not a movie so there are no characters involved, but digressing a bit, can’t our pple learn? Must we successfully deafen our audience in a bid to advertise a movie? Shey its one guy that does all that shouting? He should be found and MENDed quickly! And even if u don’t tell us, im sure every Musa, Chinwe and Rasaki knows that the movies can be found at Pound Road Aba and 51, iweka Rd Onitsha! So spare us and ehen, what consequences await if we don’t “GRAB OUR COPY NOW!” mtscheeew..ok, jare back to why we are here…!
My people, life is like a University and at intervals, we must write exams-some we pass and others we fail, inevitably, those we fail we must carry over and write again. An exam was just concluded on feb 14th and the results are out! I painstakingly put myself through the agony of taking a class just before the exam to ensure that we all come out in flying colours..so Vals day has come and gone (Thank God), if u’re here and your vals day was a success lemme see your hands..ok, 1,2,3…if it wasn’t..ah!,1,5,17, 75..ok drop it! Wow!! What happened? U didn’t follow my class rules? Hehehe…Anyways, Vals day has come and gone obviously. Some are basking in their gains, others are licking their wounds and counting their losses! I belong to the group of people who did nothing, got nothing and basically just sokpa’d on Twitter for most of d day..You know it was always bound to be interesting anyways, a day with so many people dressed in red as in a perfect representation of d intentions for the day either boys a/c goes RED, ladies show you their RED eye etc..So what makes u think u had a great Vals day? Because Tunde sent u a Teddy bear and chocolates abi? Ure an AGBAYA!!! Yezz and im not beefing o, haba! U’re 25 amd u’re dragging Teddy with your 2-yr old niece, what does that make u? Ehn? U say what? “it’s the thought that matters?” ok, so if he had sent a text that said ‘hey baby,im just thinking abt u this vals bcos its d thot that counts” tell me u will not curse his generation in your local dialect! Leave that tin jare…and u, he took u out for Ice cream and Fried Rice …I don’t want to believe that because Esau sold his birthright for porridge, u now deemed it fit to open ur legs because of ice cream and fried rice. Incase u didn’t know, jacob’s porridge had assorted meat and fish in it!! Mtscheeew.. if you are among the lucky one(s) that got a Land Rover, iPad or a wedding ring through legitimate means, then I celebrate with you, You have eaten of the spoils of d season.
Meanwhile, I know that some of u think u’re smart abi? U bought yourself perfume and a card and addressed it to yourself to save face, some even ordered room delivery Pizza and bucket of ice cream so that them no go carry last..its all right! And you guys that came home by 5am claiming u were out all night with the chic while u were crashing, holding pillow tight at your fellow guys house, nothing do you!!
I know that some peeps genuinely celebrated the day, as in those who are really in love oh (probably heading to marriage sef), I don’t have a problem with them. Whether he took u out, bought u Fan Yogo and took u back home, u know that u’ve hooked him and when he finally asks u to marry him, u can start your revenge! But my pain is for those who 9months from now will deliver the fruit of a Mr Biggs lunch or the result of a night of clubbing and too much booze. He says he loves u now abi, wait till u tell him u missed your period, he will MISS that PERIOD!! It’s the aftermath of Valentine that excites me, if we were to have news headlines on that, we would hear things like..
• DMT mobile Toilets experience total overload as a result of all the SHIT they had to deal with on vals day
• Girl breaks boys head with STAR bottle after unwrapping gift of Nokia BB
• Sales of balloons surprisingly skyrocket as chemists record sell out of condoms
• Woman goes gaga after eating ‘igbo’ leaves mixed with beans and macaroni while thinking she was served chinese
The stories will be endless and I’m sure you all have some to share… Asides the virtual aftereffects, the physical effects will be alarming! I can safely bet that roasted corn and agbalumo (shebi its d season) will begin to trend as guys have most likely exhausted d small money that they have..Some will easily fit into their church 21-day fasting program cos it comes naturally at this time..Girls, don’t be shocked if your bf all of a sudden loses weight and becomes slimmer, its actually your fault..Shikena!! Ok, moving on…What? Oh! you wanna hear MY vals day story? Seriously, I did nothing-just lazied around, sent voicenotes to some people, deleted some members of the “Dumb Broadcast Association” that reside in my BB and chose that day to manifest their shallowness, but really, I knew that broadcasts were going to be a major feature of the day but I didn’t expect to see some of the kind I got…eg: ”The federal ministry of Love warns that boys who buy nothing for their gf’s will be broke 4 ever and girls who claim to be on their period will bleed to death…Pass this on to 20 people if u want your vals day to be a success” and some FOOLS (pardon my Spanish) FULL of FOOLISHNESS still deemed it fit to broadcast this FOOLISH message.
Smartphones should be taken out of the hands of dumb people…I think we should have IQ tests before some phones are sold to people…”err..sorry, u do not qualify to use a Blackberry, pls proceed to the 3310 stand and look through as you will definitely find something to interest you there!” (BTW, one of the most annoying broadcasters I have is a follower from Twitter, pls I thought Twitter would have refined u a bit, if u are reading this and ure wondering if its you, then it is!!! Quit it already with the broadcasts. I haven’t deleted you yet bcos im nice like that but there is a limit…) Later in the day, I strolled to Chicken Republic and I wasn’t disappointed, it was a sea of red: balloons, uniforms, customers, I took some pictures and then went to Mr Biggs, If I needed any confirmation that Mr Biggs is almost dead, I got it that day..it was almost empty! Came home and tweeted more, it rained heavily and I slept off.
So in conclusion, it has come and gone, life goes on..girls, note however that now that vals is over, u will get more advances as guys realize that the coast is clear especially if your birthday is nowhere in sight..and guys if u attempt to toast that girl now, be prepared to answer the question “where were u since?” Before she says YES, she will collect vals gift, xmas gift , New years gift and the gift for her mother’s 50 years birthday that u (obviously) did not attend 2 years ago! So I rejoice with all y’all who had a great. Memorable day and for those of you who totally failed d class, Turn to your neighbor and say “Fear Not!, u have only carried over the course, u have the opportunity to pass it next year”
Enjoy some of the scenery..thanks to @jemieyt and @misjuwa for the picture inputs
Haters and Gbagaun finders, u can like to microwave salad while waiting for Hell to freeze over, Till then though, try licking ur elbow while waiting for DaGrin's call or better still, save yourself the stress and just show love for once in your life: Kiss a naked wire, that might be the only naked thing u'll ever kiss #Okbye
PS: The search for the ONE comes to the finish line...