Monday, 7 February 2011


Ok, here’s the deal, the last post on Vals blues seemed to be a kinda hit and I got lotsa mentions and comments on Twitter and in my mail concerning it (+ve and –ve) if I may say, Still though I must thank everyone who did for taking/making the time to actually read d post, me sef I tire for the length. Meanwhile, I must at this point make it clear that I am NOT a relationship expert and the views presented in d post were just my personal opinions (na lie o, i wanna expert die?). Lots of people seemingly agreed with the expressed desires/needs of both sexes while some criticized me for bringing out their dirty G-strings and Boxers out for the world to see! Im sorry- SUE ME!!!

Today though, I really don’t have a direction of writing (typing as d case actually is), im just going to rant all d way to the end of this post (another lie, guy u dey lie sha)..Oh! an idea just popped into me ‘ed…lets see, still on d valentine day matter, for those who actually will have a val or have the opportunity to take that girl ‘out’ on that day, a common dilemma is how to proceed. Don’t deny it, u’ve been racking your brain since on how you can give her the perfect experience and hopefully, eventually get something more than “Thank u for a nice day, I’ll ping you later!” well worry no more! Im here to take you on Valentine 101-401, I’ll be ur Professor for the class, call me Prof @KevinWithNoVaL, Class is in session students! Read my lips and make A’s in this Test!!This is where you sit down, grab your note and pen and begin to take notes..I’M SERIOUS!! U’re gonna need this…!!! And oh! This is tailored for the guys sha..ladies no vex, y’all know I love you..pls do read and fall in love with ME! Yes me!!

Ok guys, so u read the last post and u got an idea of what she wants for vals day and Thank God your account is not as red as the season so you were able to get her that iPad and the name encrusted pendant. U should know that you have 24hrs in the day to show her a great time climaxing in giving her the gift and hopefully other climaxes as well..So it’s a Monday and she probably has to work or go to school or maybe even stay home. No matter what she does, do NOT, I repeat do NOT be the first, second or third person she SEES on the day!! Even if you are jobless, try and form scarce, there is VALUE in SCARCITY! Re: fuel…But ensure that you mark your’s how: Ladies want a sense of assurance or reassurance as the case may be as often as they can get it, PDA’s are always a welcome tool.if u have a BB and she does too, it won’t be a bad idea to use her pic as ur DP with a status like “I’m going to love u always and a day more” BUT if u’re like @walegafar or @HUGOverified who are dating their whole street, then it might not be such a good idea sha. If u don’t have a BB, no wahala, I advise that you don’t call her just yet..send her a text saying “I don’t need a special day to celebrate u, but I think d world does cos u’re that special..i love u baby, today, tomorrow and 4ever” Yeah, mushy stuff like that will increase her anticipation and excitement level.(that’s if u’ve not effed up recently o!ehen!) Pls ensure your texts are orginals, do NOT use or 4wd any sent to u..if u love her that much, then u should be able to express it but if not, hit me up on Twitter and I wee compose a msg guaranteed to sweep her off her feet into MY arms..!!!do NOT start quoting MI or darey and think that she will not know, keep it ORIGINAL guys!

So her day has started with a text msg from u,Try to avoid GBAGAUNS cos u dont want her remembering u for d wrong reasons but try and see how u can maintain the tempo probably a text every hour..might sound lame but it does fly, on BB, u could change her pic every hour with a new status as well (if she's got it, then flaunt her..if she doesn't however, u may wanna spare us d torture) ahem! moving on, send her voicenotes at intervals…PLEASE DO NOT 4WD ANY BROADCASTS NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED IT IS! I’m thinking I will create a broadcast and circulate sha with hidden illuminatti messages in it capable of bursting her head and ruining your relationship buhahaha..i dey warn u naw o!! So u’ve succeeded in keeping her excited all day, its afternoon now..this will be a good time to call her and in your most sexy voice (the one u use when u’re looking in d mirror while brushing) tell her in clear language (ibo, Yoruba, hausa, pidgin or English) how u look forward to seeing her later in the day. Remember even if u’re both jobless (no offense o), Try to see her late in the day. Anytime from 3pm works. I suggest you do a late lunch..shey u know lunch will be cheaper than dinner on that day sha? Ehen! But if u have money like @WF_SimonSeez, then u can do Japanese dinner things (ah! Imagine a candle lit dinner under the stars of the sky, with nature all around u, the wind softly blowing sea breeze on your cheeks while your table for 2 is set is on THIRD MAINLAND BRIDGE..Oh CLASSIC!!!) Ok so u’re set for lunch, pls ensure that the venue for the lunch isn’t too far from where she stays or works. It doesn’t make sense for her to stay at Ipaja-Ayobo and u’re arranging for lunch things at Golden Gate ikoyi (@spitgucci take note) except u’re sending a cab (red cab ni o)..remember we r trying to UP your if u can find any nice place nearby-cool! Be warned however that u most definitely will see a crowd if u’re going to the Mr Biggs, Nandos and suggestion, look for a real restaurant or Hotel with good food, u don’t have to do the common fast food and eateries but u could have ordered take away from any just incase. If she’s at work though, u could send a delivery order to her right there at d office (real food o) u cud ‘spice’ it up with a box of chocs that she can share with her co-workers thus rubbing pepper in their eyes. PS: if ure meeting for lunch, ensure u get there on TIME! Don’t keep her WAITING!! And make sure you’re worth looking at, don’t think because its laide that u’ve been dating u will now come looking like any of @scriptkidd’s avatars..look dapper (starch and iron d shirt)..a matured look always flys, I didn’t say wear tie o but just look and SMELL good..if u smell like a combination of spoilt moi-moi, beans and eggs then u might wanna consider spending some dough on body spray and a nice perfume..and oh yeah..armpit hair? That ish doesn’t work..are u trying to provide accommodation for homeless bacteria, maggots n stuff.eewwww!!! Shave dude, SHAVE!!!

So lunch done, ehen! Pls if u dnt know how to pull out chairs and stuff, or u don’t do it naturally don’t start that day o! its all superficial and that reduces points..same thing with opening doors, just be yourself but if yourself is anything as razz as @SheriphSkills (who thinks deuces is spelt and pronounced duzzez) then pls be someone else, I recommend someone like @bleezers or @Rated_X who represent gentlemanly conduct anytime..So u’ve planned to see a movie eh? Here’s the downside to that- yup! The cinema is gonna be full and then she might wanna just go home afterwards and that’s it! Yes THAT’S IT!!! So Prof suggests u probably do an indoor movie, u could arrange with a hotel to have lunch there and then pay a bit more to have them show your movie in their mini theatre (I think some have), make sure it’s a movie she wants to see, don’t ga’an play SAW 6 bcos u wanna scare her into ur arms for easy cuddling (that’s what I would do sha cos im gangsta like that), ensure it’s a film she wants to u’ve gotta find that out. U’ve got your privacy, u’ve got her in your arms (hopefully),so..we can hope that the movie mood will allow for some mouth-to-mouth *LORD WHY ME?! WHY THIS SINGLENESS?!* now wailing,tearing bag of rice to wear as sackcloth*sorry jare, my emotions got d better of me… anyway, let nature take its toll BUT IF nature is being a beach, then take the bulls by d balls and make things d right buttons (i did not send u to press her shirt buttons o! ehen..that will be a good time to have the waiter bring in the bottle of wine (eva, bluecocktail are NOT allowed) u’ve ordered..she most likely will ask “are u tryna get me drunk?” tell her with all confidence and style...“nah..thats for later” if she says nothing or just smiles or nods..then u’ve SCORED!! YAY!!!

Wrapping it all up..if she can’t stay d night at any hotel..oh! if u’re doing dinner in a hotel, it wont be a bad idea to book there as well (pls confirm she cn afford to stay the night before booking o, if not u will enjoy the bed and AfricaMagic by yourself)..but if she has to go back home, now is a good time to bring out her gift and with all lingua dexterity, let her know how much you love her..bla bla bla yadi yadi yada…just give her d friggin’ gift already..hopefully she may ask you to stay a while or if u’re in a hotel, then all is set..PLS NOTE THAT I’M NOT ADVOCATING FOR ANYTHING SEXUAL O, IM JUST TEACHING THE COURSE AS THE SYLLABUS STIPULATES!! Eventually, remember that Vals day is just One day and so whether u get any or not shouldn’t be a problem, try to make it GENUINELY all about her, u do not rush perfection. If u successfully ‘WOW’ her, her life-and yours will NEVER be the same again..cheers guys! Show her sincerely how much of a queen she is..Ladies ae special and that’s why we love ‘em..even if ur mind is as corrupted as most cybercafé systems, try to make it all about her and little of u..

By the way guys, I’m in trouble o…I think I’ve ‘met’ the one…out of Six…but I don’t know EXACTLY which one she is..



  1. Minister for Valentine Affairs.... Prof Kelvin

  2. Kelvin u nor go kee person oh, hahahahahaha. I can feel d pain in this post. U dey cook food wen anoda person wan chop,e can pain!!!

    Btw who says u have 2 pick d one? Never forget u are African, u can go old sch and shey u know old school thgs always make good comebacks :D. Furthermore,love can be mass produced. Yeah that kain one dey quick fade but who cares? It's valentine and every lady wants 2 b loved in any way or form and if u fit write script wen anoda person go b d star actor, u can let loose in urs! (I am not my comment!)

  3. Read my lips and make A’s in this Test? Jesse Jagz, 'Represent ft. Choc Boys', Track 15 verse 2, MI 2.

    And since we're on that topic, the exact line straight from MI is 'I love you forever and a day more'. Edit.

    Why did you have to go and mention me as a gentleman? Now I can't be as nasty and naughty as I wanna be here......But I'll say this, I wanna believe this blog is for those who are trying to get the girl. Why bother if I have?

  4. @Spit...abeg forward this recommendation to Aso Rock

    Jade, i lack words for u...e dey pain me shey? yes i know..Taink u, leave it like that..and yes, u are your comment!! Bush Tadpole

    X, how nice of u to burst my bubble, i see that ur ability to quote cases n verses is still as cogent as ever and because i just decided to give u small rep here, ungrateful wretch like u..and pls dont mistake getting THE girl as being d same thing as ur neighbourhood otapiapia seller girl winking at u daily!

  5. Professor Valentines!!!!! hmmmmmmm

  6. I no dey date all the girls for my street na! I'm a good boy jor :(
    Generally, Nice One Kev.
    Uz a great man!

  7. Guy me i haff tire for you why wiv all dis ya experience u neva get babe buh as usual u r always on point i might just consider appointin u the minster of emotional Affairs :D U r Good Lyk That Seen Very Good BADT GUY......@bubu009 cheers mahn.

  8. Bro you make sense sha,i feel your write up but uniben gals nothing dey work for them na. Hw we go run that part Prof?