I'm Thankful!

Dateline: January 28th 198… 3:27am…A hospital in Surulere (though I tell people it was jand sha..)

Doctor: “Push ma’am, Push, just a little harder…I can see d head, yes PUSH!!

Lady: mmmhhhmm… what do u think im doing u punk?! Pulling?? Mmhhmm

Man: Honey, u can do it! YES U CAN (and u think Obama was d first? Hmm KMT) Just a lil’more..!! PUSH!!

Lady: mmhhmmm…one more word out of u and I swear next time, u’re d one going to be screaming while the Dentist PULLS out teeth from your mangled mouth..mmhmmm!!!

Doctor: It’s coming…It’s coming… c’mon…

Man: Yes!!! Yes!!! Ye… (hushes up as lady turns to look at him)

Lady: mtscheew!! Bunch of sissy’s, now stealing my lines…mmhmmm!!!
SILENCE!!! ( NEPA takes light)

Doctor: it’s a BOY…!!!

Man: isn’t he supposed to come out crying?

Lady: Hello? Can someone pls cut this line thingy?

Child: (looks around at all in the room) *sighs* “jeez! NEPA!! I’ve been scammed, this isn’t jand!”

Yeah, the above is the story of my birth as witnessed by me while coming outta d womb, whaddyu mean iz a lie, were u there? Was it your mother’s womb? Plix abegabegabeg leave my loif.. ehen jare, as I was saying…I’ve always been a crème kid (thanx 2d constant flooding of my embryo dwelling with cream, u get?)…and u can’t blame my shock and surprise when I came out and was greeted by immediate power outage. Ah ahn! As in,shock did not allow me cry sef and they were all staring at me waiting for me to cry, couldn’t they see (pun intended) that a more devastating thing had just occurred? NEPA: Keeping candle makers in business since 1960!! Smh…

So born, bred and buttered in lagos; Nigeria..life had to go on. Don’t be scared, this isn’t an autobiography on me (Chinamanda abi Chimananda) is working on that as you read, this is just a pause and an opportunity to look back and be thankful for some certain things in me life….Life they say is short, no wonder MI is living it to the fullest.

Some days away from now(depending on when u read this) is my birthday, I’ve had lots of them in the past (obviously) and every one of them provides me with d opportunity to plan ahead, receive gifts, have fun and hangout with those I love etc..This time though, for the sake of posterity I’ve decided to also look back and find some things to be thankful for and of course, share it with y’all. So indulge me will ya…

I’m thankful…

• For my parents doing the deed (im sure it happened while they were celebrating my dad’s birthday which is in April), I’ve done my calculations and it all adds up!…if they didn’t do when they did, maybe I won’t have been the lucky sperm

• For my mum who carried me about safely for 9 months without shame or gra gra...also cos she ate well and healthy, if not I would have come out looking like TerryG…drugged from the womb

• For the Doctor and Nurses at the hospital in Surulere who administered the right care although I really won’t have minded an AC tight room with DSTV for my first night on earth, is that too much to ask?

• For my big bro and sis who did not decide to throw me into a pit like joseph out of jealousy…They nurtured me till I was 4 and then jetted out of the country leaving me at the mercy of Iya Rashidi's kids next door as playmates, Thanx to my folks who refused me the opportunity to run round d street with my rainbow pant chasing tyre... I somehow managed to stay posh.

• For the people responsible for suggesting and giving me names during my naming ceremony…I’ve got 5 names by the way, Thank God none is Morufu, Testimony, Akpohwowo or such..u guys chose well.

• For my lesson teachers from Ghana that raised me in the lingua of Queen’s English..(shey u guys had Ghanian lesson teachers too abi?) I think most kids in lag did!...they’re also responsible for the fact that my pidgin English is WACK! I dey try sha on blogs and twirra.But in real life, i suck: like Angelina Jolie on Spaghetti (dry abi? thank u..ga'an write ur own)

• For my primary and sec sch days…the fact that I always came 1st (yeske dis is not a faboo) ...helped grow my confidence...i stopped coming 1st when I entered JSS 1 sha but my kids don’t have to know that, do they?

• For my first girlfriend ‘Ada’ in KG2… she taught me how to prove love- I always ate the remnants of sharpened pencil just 4 her and chalk was my mouth’s best friend, we broke up when I entered Nur 1

• For my second girlfriend ‘Omolere’ in Nur 2 who was my seatmate, we always played the “what is under my uniform game” …ehen, why r u looking at me like that? Didn’t you play it too? See pot calling brand new kettle black!

• For my friends down the years, some have stayed, others have strayed but facebook has an annoying way of making them find you..they will now be trying to famz again..mtschheeeww..

• For my church and the light it shone on my path...though that was where I met my first real girlfriend who gave me my first real kiss that led to my first real…iz not whatchuthink u perv’s…my first real petting session #ThatIsALL..The babe was in Vivian Fowler and if u have 'experienced' a vivian fowler girl here,i mean, the 'spirit' hovered over the 'dry land' and it became fruitful..i feel like preaching..can i get an AMEN! Thank u! pls sit down, we're just talking.she was also my first Val and she footed d bill o! Lord, i miss those days!

• For my University (UniBen) that taught me clearly through first hand experience that Jesus is the way, the Truth and the Life, Cult recruitment that I escaped by the whiskers..it was Matric day parry they called it..Me, i didnt know, it was woman (she wont read this so i can mention her name: Chichi) that carried me there o, i was in 100 level and was already setting my 'priorities'.She was in Law, i was in engineering (perfect).Darris how me i followed her, i didnt even get to dance with d girl sef cos she was HOT like that and bigger boys surrounded her..i vexingly left at 11.30pm, recruitment started past midnight…and if u heard of Uniben in 2003, u’d know that cult wasn’t moi moi or beans! I somehow, inspite of lotsa advances managed to stay out! Saw lots of people lose their lives around me in the most gruesome of ways but lets not dwell on that 2day..

• Still for Uniben and my campus fellowship that gave me leadership responsibility..all through till I rose to the peak position of president (no PDP rigging involved o..) y’all surprised? Don’t be..!!

• For my girlfriends in University: R,C,I ,those I had ‘interactions’ with; U,C,A,F…when I consider the money spent on y’all and the fact that I’m d one that is single now, it makes me wanna SCREAM!!! As in ah ah..after all was said, nothing was done! Decode that!!!

• For my first girlfriend in Uni: 'R' (we dated for almost 4 yrs, 100level-400level): she is getting married on Mar 5th..guess what guys, I’m gonna be the MC of that wedding..from potential groom to MC..how are the mighty fallen? I didn’t even get Bestman seeing as the Groom is my friend…eez a long tori jor…BTW, dyu know that the BESTMAN, originally from old tradition ought to be the guy who failed in the quest to get the girl? He plays the role as a sign of allegiance and honour to the new couple…think I’m kidding? Google that stuff! So ‘R’ im thankful for (1) bringing out d poet in me- I cant remember how many poems I wrote just 4 u, ensuring one was read to u aloud by your roommates at exactly midnight on ur birthday in ur hostel. (2) The struggle with @Rated_X for ur hand in relationship, Thanx for picking me sha…eat ur heart out X, we shall sit and share wine at d losers table on d wedding day *shrugs* (3) im also thankful for u o..being d FIRST girl to DUMP me, bcos u were about graduating n wanted 2 marry. That was 2007! Dis is 2011 . Na now u dey marry o!! mtscheeew God dey sha!! PLS IT IS NOT PAINING ME !!!

• For ‘C’…thanx for coming into my life after R stepped out, U are solely responsible for making me the man I have become today! YES U!!! Ahem!! U know it o..of course I still remember all, and in detail too..oh! sorry guys, did I leave u behind? My mind was doing a Bolton on me…as much as I would like to use some of these people’s twitter handles, wait…Let me ask ‘C’ for permission (at this point, I asked for permission ‘C’ said no problem!) but…find her amongst my followers, her handle starts with ‘S’ and ends with a vowel similar to one of those in towel

• For all the girls in between ‘C’ and ‘I’ that didn’t make the cut, thanks for filling in the gaps

• For ‘I’ my last relationship…details in previous posts abeg..

• For Obasanjo, thanx so much for bringing GSM to Nigeria and saving me from the hassles of NITEL cards and phone tapping- everytime my parents locked d phone to stop us from calling…y’all did that stuff too abi? Buhahaha… criminals!!!

• For all my GSM phones that kept me in contact with the world starting with my Sagem Mc920 – Nokia 3310-Motorola Talkabout-Samsung R220 (bluescreen)-Telital-Motorola V50-Nokia 6600 (my first coloured screen camera phone)-Sony Ericsson-Nokia 5300-Nokia n73-China TV phone (hehehe)-Nokia E71- Nokia 5330 (dstv)-BB.

Lets play a game shall we? Try and list out all the phones u’ve used in d comments area after commenting o!!!

• For cybercafés and the Internet that have now almost put NIPOST out of biz, what’s NIPOST? Kai!! Some of u have NEVER even been to the post office in your life…smh. Cybercafés that extorted us to open email addresses #200 to open e-mail a/c WTF??? (What’s that for?),..what did we do in cafes in those days sef? 250/hour to browse and chat with white people we dont know and we will be feeling cool with ourselves. shior!!… see why im thankful?

• For Hi5 and facebook: my first social network experience responsible for reconnecting me with almost extinct friends from the past, seeing how far they’ve come, the singles, married and knocked up. Really though, no matter how we might all ‘HATE’ Fb now, we cannot ignore d days of humble beginnings, the days when FB was the air we breathe, when we felt on top of d world whenever we paste a ‘smart’ quote and we get 70 comments; most of which are our own back and forth discussions…FB was our home, our drug, we sought for cheats to ensure we were always online, the blue and white interface brought undescribed joy to our days but all of a sudden, we can’t seem to ignore the abundant GBAGAUNS and meaningless chatter that goes on there nowadays..inboxes full of love letters of EPIC confusion…*naetoC’s voice “things are not d same..”

• And that brings me to Twitter, im thankful that there is a getaway called twitter (though I wonder how long b4 we all get tired of it or it gets infiltrated by FB peeps). Well for now, im so grateful cos here, I’ve met and I have the most wonderful family n friends. I cant mention handles cos i might leave some folks out, u guys are d bomb, For my nuclear Twitfam, u know urselves, Those i just met, #TeamOzone and those i'm yet to meet, u guys really rock!! As in, the opportunities are endless, whichever state in d country I am, I can hola @ someone and have a great time...here there are potential associates, biz partners and who knows after all this play-play and flirt-flirt, maybe a wife!

• Lastly but not lastly…(go figure), I wanna thank God for the gift of life and another year, I don’t just wanna MAKE IT COUNT, at the end, I wanna COUNT what I MADE of IT.

Its my birthday on the 28th of January peeps, feel free to DM credit, BBM credit, SMS credit, just gimme some friggin’ credit so that the ministry can keep moving!

Im popping a bottle of Swan water here on behalf of the GBAGAUN detectors and HATERS, im standing on the pavement of the 3rd mainland bridge, now pouring a drop into the ocean, when u find it, I’ll have your time…MTSCHEEEEW!!!

*Insert your favourite Africa Magic igbo Soundtrack here*

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

*Roll credits*

NO TITLE...i couldn't think of one!!!

The following takes place between 9am and 9.35pm..Events occur in real time…

Reason the events are occurring in such a long period of time is cos that’s how long it took me to complete the typing of this post, thanks to various occurrences such as PHCN outage which is a constant anyway, food break, toilet break, ping and Twitter breaks amongst others..if u are smart and sharp, u will discover that there was no girlfriend break or such..the reason isn’t far fetched, SCROLL down to the previous posts..and if ure feeling cool with urself at this point because u have a GF, don’t be too excited yet, wait till Feb 15th to rejoice…I’ve got a valentine post coming up and a lotta y’all will hate me after it but c’est la vie…

So wassup Utunnus (warreva that means), wats d koko? (warreva dat means), How’s ur sinzu? U know its amazing how we’ve just adopted these words into our lingo without knowing what they mean, if we were to write a dictionary, most of the words in it would have no definition! The world is becoming abbreviated lol…LWKM, LHKM, ish, appaz, ROTFLMAO, ROTFLMBBO, IHP4P, NHTTL…if u can decipher the last 2 words by the way, I’ll celebrate you in my next post..okies then, its been a drab kinda week for me..was down with fever caused by food poisoning earlier in the week but im back up cos u cant keep a good man down utunnu!! Shout out to all my tweeps that shouted out @ me @bleezers, @spitgucci @Msjazzyfied amongst others…u’re far too kind.

This post however isn’t about me (yellss I’m humble like that!), it’s a deviation from my normal (but I ain’t so normal so *shrugs*) I want to address an issue of serious economic importance that requires grade A consideration and observation, a situation that will not be given due hearing in the chambers of our judiciary but can and will be addressed here at the location of the convergence of this audience. its about a cankerworm that has eaten deep into the thick fabric of our society, its about the ‘disma pisma’ that erodes our very existence, an ‘incredible missile’ darris slowly wrecking apart one ‘kelly and some’ cohorts of his…*exhales* Ok, if at this point u still don’t know what im saying then u really should stop reading right now and #slap yourself..done? Good!! Scrolling through my TL during the week and I came across the story brewing up that Kelly hansome (?) (why d guy no spell d handsome complete, im dey fear?) had come out with a diss track for MI…my first reaction was to smh..as in u know that kind of shaking when small pikin no wan hear word..yeah! that kind!! You know, I always remind you that this is MY blog and the opinions expressed here are purely mine ehen! Because im about to express another one and darris that whether u like it or not, MI and Kelly hansome no be mates as in not even the same class…u know d rest.

My 2nd reaction was “why won’t Oga Kelly just pick on someone his own size?” (pun intended but sha, I really don’t understand when this is applicable..true o!) I think that the money Oga maga paid some years ago has finished..ehn no yawa naw! He should have decided to battle someone like ‘Konga’ or ‘Rasqie’ or better still met Oga Olu maintain to show him the way, by the way, there’s only one Kelly that me I know o and that’s R.kelly!..back to size, Oga Kelly had already entered d history books as one who ‘STOOD UP’ to MI in times past, why did he have to do it again?, now its becoming clearer that irrespective of height, MI stands head and shoulders far above Oga Kelly lyrically!!! Pls if u’re looking for fair hearing, u won’t get it here o, wait for @ifreke to do Twitter round up or watch 9’o clock news bcos im totally #TeamMi..don’t like eet? Do a Kelly hansome (shoot urself in the chest!)

So Oga Kelly writes on his Twitter page how his album has sold 5 million albums and is still selling 0_0 , me I’m like egbami o! really? Pls warris d name of d album o? cos d only hansome song I’ve heard is Maga don pay…Its not as if I don’t like Oga Kelly but if u wanna go head-to-head with MI, at least make sure you pack some punches. I got the link to the song and decided to DL it and listen for myself…you can DL it here:
http://www.4shared.com/audio/g5BKMgLI/KELLY_HANDSOME_-_FINISH_YOU_BO.htm

Eventually after listening, I agreed with @ThelmaTweets who said she would have spent the 3:59secs picking her nose instead…I mean, where were the punches? Bash Ali would have done a better job abeg…“Yes I am kelechukwu, Kelly hansome is handsome…MI2’s so dumb, so many features on the album, wack tracks the outcome..how come?...Ur whole album sounds like a mixtape, Flavour on the track was ur only escape.. short like a maltina bottle, like wande im’ma make ur fat black ass model…” (yawns) He also took shots at jesse jagz, ice prince and Wande coal (who had sweetly put him in his place in the “who born the maga song”) re: “…Why u con dey find wetin no find u, put ur mouth for wetin no consign u, u be arsenal, omo I be manU , u con dey vex because we dey outshine u..i don’t wanna harm u, no be threaten, na d truth I dey yarn u…before my fans go gather up handle u, u go think say na molue jam u…”

I’m not one to shout wolf when there’s none! IMO, the first MI album was better than this, MI2 was greatly hyped and anticipated, me sef I join hype am on twitter and it trended, it doesn’t take away the fact that there are great songs on it (epic, imperfect me, wild west etc) I don’t think oga Kelly would have been able to pull it off even with d help of the Mo Hits hype man..(that fat guy that dances galala so well)..Well while Oga kelly’s album is still selling, MI just received a 20 million naira cheque for selling the marketing rights of the MI2 album not to talk about record sales and royalties…Bottomline of this post is this sha, I think Oga Kelly should concentrate on releasing an album we know about instead of trying to get cheap publicity by ‘attacking’ Choc Boys and Mo hits…MI should also realize the strategy and be smart enough not to be drawn into a word exchange…and we fans should sit back and be entertained whatever d case may be…by the way, at the time of this post, Kelly RANsome’s followers had increased to 1803 after the diss track, MI still has only 32,800+ Wish 'em both the best though but really again, Ogs kelly should ga'an diss konga and Rasqie to help their careers! (don't count on it sha)

Here’s something to look forward to though, Feb 14th is around d corner, I know where im gonna be sha..home alone (yeah its Kevin baby!)..i’m gonna be doing a special (hopefully) on things to expect from your guys 4d ladies and things to get for your ladies 4d guys..these things range from excuses to gifts..BUHAHAHA (my evil laff)..so u can like to stay tuned for that and tell your friends abourrit as well.

Anyway, like I always say sha, those who come here to look for gbagauns to feed on, u sure will be constipated by the time u’re thru with this one…so quoting from the subject of the day “go boil stone, it will cure your sickness or maybe u should focus on your business” mtscheeew….

Comment o after reading before i "finish you boy/girl"

@KevinWithAnL

*sound sultan's voice* 2011 don come...

2011… The year is finally here, A year so eagerly anticipated by many just fr the sole reason of having a new excuse to start again..As is customary, it has been christened in various ways: to some its “2000 and heaven”, others say it is “2000 and elevation” , “2000 and hammer” Churches of course are not left out “tagging” the year “The year of divine Upliftment” (does this mean rapture?), “The year of breakthrough” (yawns), “The year of supernatural increase”…etc..i remember one year tagged “The year of Greater light”-me I thought that will mean NEPA will do well (for where?) *rme* Obviously, im not a fan of tags and slogans, though they are good for direction, they end up just being door and car stickers by February when d harsh reality of dis 9ja wey we dey so begins to hit!

Anyway guys, Happy new year..and I do pray that whatever it is you desire, as you work towards, u shall accomplish (Amen). Ok so straight to the issues at hand (u would think I really have smtn serious 2say…smh), The year kinda started slow though, I can boastfully say that I spent my crossover night on Twitter..well till 11.30pm when I snuck away to have some quiet time with God, yes o, He and I have a great relationship like that…i was done at about 12.10am and I patiently waited for my first call of d new year..omo I waited o! nothing!! Eventually, twas my dad that called on his way back from church…Next to call was @eagiddy, a tweep of mine..i was practically sleep talking so I cant even remember d nature of d conversation (I hope I didn’t tell her how endowed I am sha).. so after the last blog update, I had like the highest no of readers ever and some people even started ff me on Twitter as in ME! I haff die!! My head was bursting from all corners (no o, I don’t have ikechukwus kind of head o..haba!!)..Twas a nice feeling and I want to thank all y’all that endure the mental torture of reading my scroll and all y’all that RT the link, tanx a bunsh..shout out to @exschoolnerd @walegafar @ifreke..etc
Mainwhile, yelss..i made some decisions on January 1..not resolutions!

- I haff decided to stop kneeling down, as u saw in my last post..don’t ask me wat that means jor..u wanna koba me, basically mii r’aye gbogbo long tin yen..
- I haff also decided to work towards getting married in 2012, I dunno how dis will happen but we also didn’t know a black man will ever preside over America so *shrugs*..talking bout America, I hear Barry and Michelle are fans of Rihanna as someone overheard some bed talk going on:
Barry: what’s my name?
Michelle: Oh ba ma
Barry: whats my name?
Michelle: Oh ba ma
Now, we hear that aunty Michelle is preggers, correct guy, no slacking I hope it’s a boy sha..a black boy in d white house..dem dey craxe!!!
- I haff decided to live my life like its golden, not giving a hoot what any Tom,Dick or Sheila thinks.
- Decided I haff to register,vote and defend my vote (I dunno how I want 2 protect it cos I’ll rather go n seek refuge if kasala burst..ehen!)

Enough of my decisions, that’s not #whywearehere, its still early in the year but already there’s so much going on...some days ago a broadcast was circulated about May 21st, I didn’t actually get d broadcast, I guess peeps have understood my stance on them, but I saw it on some status updates so I decided to google ‘may 21st and voila! It says the world is gonna end on that day! Scared yet?? Now, I know the bible says “no MAN knows the time or hour” but it don’t say anything abt no COMPUTER PROGRAM so it got me thinking for a bit…what if the world DOES end that day? Where am I going? Ozone, Play. Aristotle, Silverbird, Heaven, hell… So if it does end, I wont marry? I wont have d pleasure of kpoxing my wife on a daily basis and in every area of d house, stairs, kitchen, garden…? Ah! No o!! as in this is d reason D’banj sang that olorun maje song…if it does end, we wont even have the pleasure of swearing in a new president, Arsenal will not be crowned league and champions league winners (pls forget that barca rubbish, we will handle them,just dey watch na). If the world ends…the list is endless.

I can imagine the trending topics on Twitter the day before: #MyLastWords #IfWeSurviveTomorrow #MyConfessions #IfTheWorldEnds… it will be totally hilarious, many will not sleep, im sure that day will be sex free worldwide (who wants d trumpet to blow while u sef ure blowing?) or u’re shouting “God,I’m cuming, I’m cuming while at it...and God replies “Continue, u’re not among jor”.. But let not your hearts be troubled, whether its may 21st 2011 or sep 28th 2012, it don’t make no difference, it could as well be tomorrow, bottomline is that whenever it is, we are ready to go…so I ignore d dates and focus on living everyday like its my last, u should too!
So my people, that’s about it for this edition sha, u can like to tune in next time, same place i.e same BB or PC or Mobile Phone to view d next post. If this or any other post has been a ‘blessing’ to you, pls tell your friends abourrit…

And for my GBAGAUN seekers, heres a piece of advice from the deepest crevices of my pulmonary artery located near the palpitation producing organ aptly called Mon Coeur (French for my heart)…If iz paining you that im blogging or theres Gbagaun here, I can’t say u shd go and hug transformer cos nowadays PHCN have succeeded in ensuring there’s steady supply of NO power so u can try sending Yahoo Messenger message to report me…mtscheeew!!!#OkBye